I believe you are focused on trying to force action from your spouse.
You want him to value your feelings, but you aren't valuing his feelings. Read your below statement.
I deserve his negative treatment/distance/attitude/silence/ dismissiveness ect.....I feel that it's un fair to our family to be living life with someone who he hates. His feelings are 100% valid and warranted.
You say one thing, then entirely discount it in the next sentence. Some of the WS around here say they deserve the anger, but they love their spouse. (Because they know they don't deserve the second chance.)
Your question is fair below, but you need to think about what you have given to fill in the massive hole, you said you could never forgive him for? Would you hate him the whole time? Hate is him being defensive of how he can't trust you. It is pushing away the sadness. Sadness is reflecting on how he was treated and regretting not doing more. Did you face consequences? What would you expect him to do if he did cheat? Have you done that?
Do you have sadness? Do you feel regret? Do you feel anger? Who do you direct those emotions at? Is it due to who you are/used to be? Have you changed who you are to become a better partner?
There has to be a breaking point though, is that a fair thought? Given that I've tried to talk to him many times about just general courtesies and basic universal human interaction and basic respect among people. There hasn't been much action taken...
You expect action on his part, and just started individual IC. that will only be as effective if you walk in knowing you don't love your partner as much as he loves you.
Ask yourself why?
Ask, why you don't trust your partner? He stuck through more than you would ever and you still don't trust him?
You "Feel" his disrespect, but you aren't and haven't actively fixed your disrespect for your spouse.
As an aboriginal woman our culture hold woman in the absolute and upmost highest regard.
What? So because of your culture you see the respect you had before as a birth right?
You showed him that his respect when he was in the relationship with you previously wasn't what you wanted. Why would he give it to you again?
So your spouse was a second class citizen in the relationship during your affair and now he needs to swallow his pride and self respect to return to his second class citizenship? Why would he? Think about his point of view.
You don't even hold the current power in the relationship which is why you want to leave. If you left, you know it would be because you messed things up. You are blaming your spouse's impact on your son, so you don't have to be the bad guy here. A great topic for your IC.
This is not being modeled by his father.
You need to think if your son was in your spouse's situation would you want him to stay in the relationship?
You seem to care more for your son than your spouse. You also keep checking to see if you should leave.
So who is showing unhealthy behavior in a relationship?
Your spouse shows the strength to stay and try to make things work when they get tough. That things like trying to hold a family together is what a spouse should do. I see that if your spouse got cancer or had a spinal injury, you would question if you should leave him. That isn't love.
Think of what you gave the affair partner. Was it easier to give your best to that guy. If so, why doesn't your spouse get that for even less effort on his part? The AP did not respect you. He did not honor or revere you and you gave him everything. Maybe that person you're used to being needs to change her perspective.
Ask yourself, what do you bring to this relationship? You question this all the time, but expect to be revered. Find what your spouse really gets from having you in his life and try to lean into that. Make that how you show him love.
Also realize your relationships in the past have all been transactional. You are broken in this way and I hope the IC helps you.
Good luck, and I hope I wasn't too hard on you. I was trying to get you some helpful items to work on in IC. It seems like you are having a hard time, self reflecting. Be honest in IC and let it change your perspective. Realize you may be seeing things only how you want to see them.
Great exercise. Think of the top 5 people in your life. What have you done for them in the last 10 days? What have they done for you? Really think about this. I bet your transactional state will not let you see that you may be in the deficit in some of these relationships. That is ok, but then ask why you expect things (Attention, praise, time, respect, ... whatever) from those people? Then ask, why are those the 5 most important people in your life?
Around which of those 5 people are you your best self?
I hope this helps. I know not all counselors are equal, so this starting block should help you get a measure of what should be talked about in your sessions.
[This message edited by DoinBettr at 7:57 PM, Wednesday, November 3rd]