Update - To my surprise I actually received her version of a timeline. It was a bit of a mixed bag. It got my heart thumping and that tingling feeling your body gets. At least I wasn't feeling that way because it lacked new information. It seemed on the light side. There was a lot of her stating something and then talking about the physiological reasons she made the decisions. I didn't see the explanations as minimizing, I got the feeling she was really trying to understand her decisions.
Anyways, I know most of you are wondering if she addressed if there was a PA. Based on her statements in the timeline I would have to say yes, I consider what she disclosed a physical affair. I think the story she's giving me is true, but leaves out the part where they had sex.
"We went for dinner that night and went back and had some wine and talked more. I confided in him how I was feeling about turning 40 and how I didn’t really feel like myself anymore (and all the other feelings you know I was having)."
"At one point when we were talking he held my hand (like playing it off in a comforting way) and asked if that was ok. I said not really, but I did it anyway for a bit. We ended up sleeping in the same bed because we were still talking, but there was no cuddling or funny business."
"He has made light of us sleeping in the same bed since then, and we made jokes a few times. Like referring to the night we "did it" or whatever. "
That was pretty much her whole story for the weekend. This arrived via a word document and I put a lot of follow up questions for that part. It makes no sense. He held her hand, she said no, but he kept holding it, then all the sudden they fall asleep in the same bed talking. A whole bunch of stuff was left out there, like how did they end up in a bed? I won't list all the questions, but I think you all can imagine what they are. I think her mention of the joke they had about doing it is her trying to get ahead of any message I recover where that "joke" comes up. The night and build up to the night makes me 99% sure it was a full PA, at least for that night.
She did disclose a few thing that led up to that night. That night was Oct-2017. She disclosed during the summer of 2017 "And then we started texting all time. We started joking inappropriately. Never sexting or anything super dirty, but teasing and flirty I guess you could say. Not all the time, but obviously none of this is proper. At one point he joked and called me his VM, or virtual mistress."
Then she saw him in August 2017. She had gone back west with the kids for a visit. There was one day he hung out with her and the kids. It sounds like he flew out to California just to see her. I know from my previous research the kids were around all day. During this trip he saw them back to their hotel and she and him had a glass of wine after the kids were asleep. During the conversation "At one point he asked if I had ever cheated on you (red flag!!) and I said no. And then he asked if I ever would and I said no (bigger red flag!!)."
Not a ton of new information other than that. I am working on going through it to ask questions. I think further exploration and details of that night is a must. I plan to respond in writing and ask her to respond in writing. I'll save each word doc so I can compare information on new versions to the old versions. It was such a brief disclosure with large periods of time disappearing. She fully expects to have to take polygraph, so I think what she wrote is true. Her superpower is lying by omission. I think something occurred between getting home from dinner and somehow ending up in a bed. I always contented that he was being an aggressive mate poacher based on his actions. Her filling in some of these blanks about his efforts validates that.
I still plan to file for separate maintenance at a minimum.
She is stating that she regrets all of it and is owning up to it as an affair. I feel like she's made some progress. I am at least going to engage with her long enough to get all the information I can. Once gotten all I feel like I can get I'll schedule a polygraph. That's also when I'll have her write a letter to his wife. I'm guessing she doesn't know how he was pursuing my wife, making flirty dirty jokes, and that they slept together. I bet it was the marital bed they slept in.
One last thing, and this has to do with her IC. About a year after they spent the night together she resumed communicating with the POS because "We had the temporary no- contact thing, and I didn’t talk to him until I spun it to IC and he told me it was ok to talk to Barry since he was "just a friend" and that it was my choice.
Now at that point our marriage had been in a state of crisis for a year because of my wife's relationship with this guy. She might have lied to her IC about the nature of the relationship, but even if she did, I can't imagine how an IC would give that advice. The MC figured it out really fast and called my wife out. If he hadn't figured it out via context clues then he might just be stupid. My plan is to insist she stop seeing him. I don't think a counselor like that will do anything other than tell her what she wants to hear. Regardless of her marital status, she needs an IC that won't just placate her so he doesn't have to work hard.
I'll probably editing this for typos.