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What would you do?

Im still processing the last affair. I need more therapy but i havent gone in about 9 mos- im taking care of 3 kids, doing PT for physical stuff related to last pregnancy, and i have a sick relative that i visit often who lives 7-9 hrs away . (7 hrs wo kids and dog, 9 -12 hrs when i bring kids and dog. And i always bring kids and dog )

Anyway. I usually rug sweep and bury the hurt, but today I was thinking. If ow2 and wh were Best Friends, what would you gave done in the situation.

Wh was inundating ow2 with texts about how she should not drive her Mil back to florida during the pandemic. Mil had been staying with ow2 and her husband and kids, after ow2 mother died several weeks before.

Ow 2 ‘s mil brought her 2 big dogs when ows son is allergic. My husband is also allergic to dogs and was upset that ow would force a kid to be around a pet hes allergic to, and just dose him with benadryl when needed.

Last straw was when they were all driving to a covid hotspot. Wh texted both ow and her husband many texts and info about covid, etc… and put in a text about how they need to think of their kids, as obviously they havent if theyve made their allergic 6 year old be in a house w 2 dogs the last 2 mos.

Ow was upset. Both block his texts. About 5 days later she calls in work and cries that she cant come in because wh was mean and telling her she was going to give the office covid, etc.

She told the boss that disliked wh first. A second boss came to wh and yelled at him for 30 minutes about what a shitty friend he was and its none of his business if ow goes to florida during covid. (Wh told her that he would allert the court system if she went, since no attorneys or other court officers were allowed to go to court for 2 weeks after travel back then)

Wh was manic. He quit his job and there is some other stuff that happened but ling and short- ow knew he has bipolar. He told her he has issues like this at times

If that were MY friend (haha… friend) i would have contacted the wife and said your husband is having issues, you need to come home (i was visiting family at the time)

I would not have gone into work and brought this there. The texts didnt happen during work time.

My dd baby sat her kids and when wh took dd to court (she is in highschool and was shadowing him for a week) ow 2 looked at her and ran away. Ow 2 used to text my dd (like an aunt… just stuff like your dad told me about your A! Congrats! )

This woman threw me a baby shower for baby 3. She had us to her home, we babysat her kids when she and her husband went out. We went to the lake together, etc. family friends.

I am not saying my wh isnt a complete jerk. But i feel like she went way overboard and did not handle this correctly.

BTW- shes messed up her career over this. She is given easy cases and has a boss with her sometimes (like a new attorney would). Other attorneys make fun of her (ive seen texts where they talk about her)

And to just ghost people you were supposedly friends with? I haven’t really lost a friend, but she considered me a friend (i know way more about her problems than she knew about mine..). And my DD. This is your old babysitter!

Also, rumor is she’s involved with a bailiff at work now. So she isnt making any good choices. But man. It still boggles my mind that she would destroy a “friend “ like that without notice to me at all. No - hey gotta, whats going on…

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 9:52 AM, July 11th (Sunday)]

Ggt, I didn't even read through all this.

Because what I would do is do whatever it takes to stop worrying about what twatap did or didn't do. She doesn't matter, and whatever happens to her is her own damn fault for being such a horrid person.

YOU matter. Your kids matter. Your pets matter.

Stbxwh and whatever he's doing don't matter to you anymore. I know how hard it is to shift that thinking, believe me I do. But whatever focus you put on them takes energy from you, and you deserve it a hell of a lot more than they do.

I did read all of it and I too agree with Ellie.

GGT, why do you need to judge who is more to blame between WH and OW? What purpose does it serve you? Is this productive in your healing or is this your coD talking trying to convince you that your WH isn't that bad or isn't fully at fault as if that will give you more incentive not to separate? Instead of building a case for your WH against OW, examine why it matters, why you feel the need to keep going back to this, and why you need validation from us about it.

Why are you focusing on others when you should focus on YOURSELF? Who cares about her or your ws? You need a plan to get YOURSELF out of infidelity! You keep focusing on situations regarding him or his family when, honestly, you need to focus on yourself, your kids, getting out. Why?

You need counseling ASAP. You need an exit plan. Period.

GGT,

The OW is a trainwreck, no doubt. She’s proven herself to not be a good friend or parent in a myriad different ways. So her being crappy toward your STBXWH is no surprise. Sounds like she had a nice veneer and no real depth - she faked being a decent person when it suited her.

And that you would have handled it differently is no surprise because you are good, kind, caring, empathetic friend, partner, and parent.

But like the others said, it doesn’t matter. Detaching and breaking the habit of caring about STBXWH’s world is hard, but it is so helpful for healing. I understand how hard - I still drop in to that once in a while. For me, I seem to want to be able to find the “good” in my WH in order to make myself feel better for having chosen to be with him for 25 years. I’m wondering if you are trying to do something similar but creating an “out” or excuse for your WH. Yes, he has mental illness. But still… she owed him nothing, and she is selfish. The old saying about laying with dogs comes to mind…

Hang in there, work on detaching, focus on your very busy life. I hope you relative is doing okay and enjoy the summer with your kiddos.

(Also, I am a fan of online therapy — I used one where it was by email/written and that worked for me because I could write when it was convenient or top of mind to me, no specific appointment time. It was very affordable, too.)

Barely Breathing- I actually tell wh that alllllll the time when he says, i cant believe ow2 (he doesn’t believe shes an ow… he uses her real name) destroyed my life. I say , you lie with dogs, you get fleas… i also say told ya so a lot. I begged him to stop texting her.

I just am so sad. I put so much into creating this dream of family that i had.

You are expecting a liar and cheater (OW) to behave with morals and compassion.

Remember you were her “enemy” while she’s having an affair with your H. So you cannot expect she would behave any differently than she did.

Remember you were her “enemy” while she’s having an affair with your H. So you cannot expect she would behave any differently than she did.

See, i wasnt her enemy. Wh said she talked really highly of me and when he complained about our marriage to her, she was my #1 fan and would encourage him to stay with me.

I just dont get it.

And everyone is right. I am sooooo focused on wh , the drama that is still there at work, and getting an apology that Im not focusing on me.

But the deal is, i feel boring. This drama is exciting and interesting. After dealing with poopy diapers and a dog and bills all day, hearing about ow2 having a breakdown in court and running to someone’s office and having the boss go get her and sitting with her for the next few weeks is freaking interesting. Its like a soap opera.

I feel like im too vanilla, too normal, too boring. Being associated with wh is interesting.

Go shave your head. Get a tattoo. Pierce a random body part. Rob a bank and flee to a non-extradition country. Buy a pet duck.

There's lots of ways that are way better for you to be 'interesting' than staying tied up in all the drama is all I'm saying

GGT, I wonder if you would use Bigger’s technique of listing all the ways OW2 is pathetic, and reminding yourself of that list whenever you start ruminating about her supposed superiority. This technique helped me stop ruminating.

I noticed that you are discussing OW2 with your WH could you try to grey rock yourself out of those conversations?

You're tormenting yourself over assumptions. You THOUGHT you had a good friend, but you didn't, who cares if she looked up to you she still had an affair with your husband, that's not a good friend.

What would you do?

Few things.

First your post comes across like you have shift blamed your husbands infidelity onto the other women, stop doing that! This is his fault. You're fixated a little bit on these other women but that doesn't matter at all, friend or foe, it doesn't not matter. You need to focus back on yourself, not your cheating husband, not his other women. You know he has cheated, multiple times with different women who he keeps in contact with, what are YOU going to do for YOU?

Understand friends do not sleep with friends spouses. This friend could have been like a sister to you, it simply does not matter, she is two faced, her active part in sleeping with your husband proves she is not a friend. Friends do not do that. If anything she manipulated her way into his life via you first. He tells you she always says good things about you??? That's HORRIBLE! has it sunk in that this means, while sleeping together, they were talking about you behind your back? Doesn't that gross you out? Gives me the chills.

Next I would leave. He has shown time and again that he is in contact with the other women, one had to block him he is still so much apart of their lives. He shows zero remorse, zero understanding or empathy. He is a unsafe partner. I understand you want to keep your dream marriage but you do not have a dream marriage, you have a cheating husband, that is a nightmare not a dream and sadly you can't change that by yourself. Even if you hope for it to change, for him to change and become a faithful loving husband, it is him that needs to do the work and he is showing zero signs of ever changing, he cares for these other women too much to the point he lost his job over his erratic concern over one of them.

So I would talk to a divorce lawyer, sort out your finances and walk away from him. That is what I would do because there is nothing to work with here to build a new safe marriage with. You can not do all the work yourself and that's what you're doing, all the work to hold onto this cheater, all by yourself.

As for your low self esteem, that you think you’re boring and getting thrills from WH and his AP dramas??? That needs work, that’s not healthy, I would recommend IC but if you don’t want to (though I think you should because I fear you think your WH cheats because you’re boring and “vanilla”) download some self esteem boosting apps.... but see a IC, truly, for helping with infidelity recovery alone they’re amazing but for your low self esteem issues they can help too.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 10:41 PM, July 11th (Sunday)]

Oh Gotta honey,

You are trying to compare your life to hers, and it will never work.

You know why? Because you are a good person, who loves her kids, and wants them to grow up to be good people that become productive members of society.

You are also trying to make sense out of nonsense. It won't work. EVER. Just accept that he cheated, she is not a friend, and probably has some mental health issues as well, and be done with both of them. You will never get an apology from them. Stop wasting energy on them, and start spending some on yourself.

As you continue to separate your life from your WS, you will start rediscovering who Gotta is, and start doing things that you are interested int, and for others that will make you interesting.

(((And Strength)))

For clarification- this OW was an EA… I think thats why Im having issues cutting out. He has had a PA with OW1, and then while we were separated he slept with a bunch of women, which he says was not cheating because we were on a break.

I just dont think there are any decent people in the world anymore. Everyone is trying to screw you over. How can you discuss with a man with a family stuff like “i like this sexual position” or “i care about my friends but I care about you more. Dont think you are like everyone else- youre not”

Geeze Louise! I would feel like such a horrible person!!!

I want to write her a letter to tell her how horrible she is.

I also want to tell her husband shes screwing the bailiff.

and then while we were separated he slept with a bunch of women, which he says was not cheating because we were on a break.

Wtaf. There is no accounting for the stupid shit cheaters say, RME SMDH.

This is what I'm saying though gotta. I get how hard it is to shift your thinking, but you have to try to stop obsessing about what he did and with who and when. You're getting a divorce - his dysfunction is not your cross to bear anymore.

And as far as the trash he slept or EA'd with... they are just that - TRASH. And Karma will do her work with them eventually.

I guess im still in shock regarding Ow2. OW1 was a “typical” ow, she liked drama and she sought out married men.

Ow2, she was someone we knew for a while, we hung out at her parents house for crying out loud!! I knew her husband, kids, parents. For goodness sake, I texted the bitch a week before this went down to see how she was doing!

The 4 or 5 he screwed while we were separated, eh. I am conflicted. I am not happy but I sort of am because I like that he cheated on Ow1.

Funniest thing about the whole 10 years of infidelity- in 2009 he left to be with ow 1 without a word. I thought he was going to have drinks with guys from work. He never came home. I was distraught.

NOW- i cant GET the guy to leave! If he pulled that again, bye!!! Wouldnt chase after him! Would be glad to see him gone!

which he says was not cheating because we were on a break.

Anyone else read this in Ross' voice from Friends?

Go shave your head. Get a tattoo. Pierce a random body part. Rob a bank and flee to a non-extradition country. Buy a pet duck.

There's lots of ways that are way better for you to be 'interesting' than staying tied up in all the drama

Boom!

I also want to tell her husband shes screwing the bailiff.

Wouldn't blame you...

which he says was not cheating because we were on a break.

Anyone else read this in Ross' voice from Friends?

Actually, that’s how my husband says it! Our therapist says that I should leave him, but she says I can understand his charm he’s a funny guy. It’s such a mindfuck. To laugh at something like this. But yeah, he says it exactly like Ross from friends.

Our therapist says that I should leave him, but she says I can understand his charm he’s a funny guy.

I can't imagine how many award winning jokes it would take to cancel out the disgusting verbal abuse he's heaped on you even recently. Yeah, he sure is funny and charming when he doesn't feel like you owe him something or he wants something for you.

What are you doing to progress the separation?

What are you doing to progress the separation?

Honestly? Absolutely Nothing.

I did just look on ow 1’s twitter or instagram or whatever to make myself feel bad (she is married to a former WS that she cheated with and got arrested for fighting with his then wife)

So pity party? Making myself loathe WS even more? Mind movies of him and ow 1….

Gotta you've given this shitbird 11.5 YEARS of chances. All of which he's abysmally blown.

This ride ends when you get off of it.

You deserve more in your life than an abusive petulant man-child. Don't you want more than this?