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Ow2 and Wh both have mental health issues. That was why they bonded.

Wh is very tight lipped about telling people his bipolar diagnosis. ONLY family knew until he told ow2 about 18 mos ago.

Well, 11 mos ago shit hit the fan, ow 2 and wh had big blowup over covid (wh was manic and told her she was being stupid for traveling to a hotspot during covid)

Ow 2 told their boss, wh got in trouble and subsequently quit.

He still sees ow 2 through work.

Ow 2 now has another emotional affair

Wh was next to this man a few days ago and the man said under his breath, “mental issues “

I told wh when u lay with dogs you get fleas. I am not surprised that ow 2 has another paramour, and im not surprised that she has blabbed about wh’s mental health.

My worry is how that will effect his business - if it gets out that he has bipolar, will that make him lose work? And money? And child support.

Im pissed. But not surprised. And to blab something so personal about someone… what a snake. Why is she talking about WH? This is so highschool…. I need to not feed on the gossip.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 3:58 AM, May 30th (Sunday)]

Why do you think it would affect his business? I don't follow you on that. Isn't he employed by a company who likely can't discriminate against him for his health issues?

Nekonamida- he quit his job with ow that was a state job.

He now owns his own business (and is the sole employee)

Im not 100% sure that his bipolar would infact hurt his business… but at the very least, I am pissed it would be a source of gossip. And the fact that someone would make a comment about it… trash. Trash trash trash

I am being vague about wh’s job so I don’t put out too mich info/ but he is a trial attorney. The guy who is OW2’s new affair partner is a bailiff. Bailiff said it in court when he was standing near WH.

Lawyers are so damn highschool. I know about so many who are f***ing around, f*****g each other. It’s disgusting.

I say just ignore ow. Any response to her bullshit just feeds her need for drama and attention. And you'd be hard-pressed to prove that her saying anything caused any real harm anyways.

I know it's frustrating ggt.

Also I do want to point out that all of this is a consequence of your stbxwh's crappy decisions too. Imho, tho I do get that it could potentially affect your bottom line, you really shouldn't be worrying about saving him from himself anymore. That's a hard habit to break, but it is an enabling behavior on your part and does you more harm than good.

I don't see why it would hurt his business. As long as he still proves himself in court and does right by his clients, it's not going to matter. It's just hearsay to others and bipolar doesn't have nearly as much as a stigma attached to it than something like NPD or BPD or APD.

GGT, at the risk of being blunt, have you spoken to your IC about catastrophizing? I see you frequently focusing on the small chance that something really bad will happen. This isn't the first time you were very worried about something affecting his job. Your fear has prevented you from standing up for yourself and forcing the separation agreement. You should really talk to someone about this and how you can self soothe instead of assuming the worst every time something changes.

Edit: I think you also need to address how much value you place in the perception of others. Who gives a shit if his coworkers gossip about him? Big deal. They gossip about anyone and everyone. Hasn't impacted much. How does what they say about your STBX affect YOU? So why are YOU getting upset about it?

[This message edited by nekonamida at 1:38 PM, May 30th (Sunday)]

I understand your concern due to finances - if he cannot pay alimony or child support you suffer.

However he is in this position so HE has to figure it out. Not you. Stop being involved in his drama. Let him get a counselor or job or new GF or whatever — on his own.

You will be better off without his issues impacting you.

I m thinking about why this upsets me- and its more because damnit, i kept wh together for 9 years between affair 1 and affair 2… and helped him and kept his mental issues secret and supported him, and this ow2 is blabbing that very personal information.

Its HIS fault. He told her. He had an affair with her.

Also, ick. Making snide comments about someones mental health?! You are trash.

Why is he even telling you all this? Detach from him. He does not treat you well, and you are no longer his confidant. Just walk away.

Detach.

Attach to yourself instead.

Trigger warning- talk of suicide

I am not at our home currently, im out of town visiting family. And hes using the same trio that he always does- making fun of my family, saying im lazy and dont know what hard work is (since i dont have a paying job) and the always fun, “come in the house before the kids to make sure they dont walk in on me dead”

I realize there will never be a time he is happy for me to see family or friends, there will never be a time he doesnt say im lazy (i really hate laziness and i think he says that because he knows its a pet peeve. I dont believe im lazy, i just value other things than he does and so my house is messy and i dont cook 3 gourmet meals a day, but i travel and have fun wotg the kids and do different things)

There will never be a time he is on my side and does something nice for me. I have hung on so hard for so long in the hopes we could get back to where he wasnt that bad (hes always been a jerk) but I know it will never happen (which os huge for me. Ive given up on the marriage, when for years i thought it could survive). Now i just need to pull the final plug. Ive talked to my atty and he says its all there in the separation agreememt, ive legally gotten my ducks in a row.

Ive called a shelter to ask for a safe plan on how to get him out (and they are trying to form a plan that doesnt involve police…. Not only am i worried about the neighbors, but as a lawyer my hubby knows the cops). Hell, he knows the director of the shelter, they ahve worked together on cases.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 8:17 AM, May 31st (Monday)]

She knows it's a weakness for him and that is why she is using it. Despite his diagnosis he needs to stop blaming it for the poor choices he has made. This is deflecting blame. It's bad enough that there is a stigma when it comes to mental illness and disorders. I think too much deflection on to those issues saying 'It's not my fault it's because I have this.' is a poor excuse. Yes I know that mental illnesses or disorders can inadvertently have a negative impact on a person's life. How ever there is too much blaming poor behavior on these things. It's probably why people vilify those who have these issues.There is also not enough invested in treatment for mental health.I can remember struggling with my issues as well. I have bipolar disorder. Still never cheated,hurt or abused anybody because of it though. I grew up in a home where there were no excuses. Not that my home life was peachy. I do agree it was in poor taste what that man said to your husband. He knew it would have an impact on him and used your husband's diagnosis as a weapon to hurt him purposefully. This just shows the OW's EA partners lack of decency and ignorance. The OW should know better considering she is of the same elk. The bipolar disorder is not what will have an impact. His behavior and poor choices will if he continues down that slippery slope.

Also, ick. Making snide comments about someones mental health?! You are trash.

That's why I don't think this is going to go very far. OW and cohorts look like massive douches for mocking someone else's mental illness. Anyone with half a heart will not look kindly on them for it or pay them any mind. Your WH has options for getting more work through the bar association if he ever needs it.

I am not at our home currently, im out of town visiting family. And hes using the same trio that he always does- making fun of my family, saying im lazy and dont know what hard work is (since i dont have a paying job) and the always fun, “come in the house before the kids to make sure they dont walk in on me dead”

Call the police back home, read to them the text messages, and ask them to do a wellness check. There are multiple pros to this:

- If he is serious - and he might be - they can get him the help that he needs.

- If he's not serious and he is trying to control you, he will think twice before trying this again if he knows the police may come knocking.

- There is now a paper trail of his unstable behavior. Even cops who know him aren't going to brush off threats of suicide. OW outing him may even help you in that they now know why he is acting this way and will take it more seriously.

I know you're trying to avoid police and whatever your neighborhood thinks but hypothetically speaking, which is worse? STBX makes good on his threats and you come home to find him OR whatever you think might happen from neighbors seeing the police do a wellness check on him?

We have the Ring, so he wont answer . Last year someone from work had the police do a wellness check and he didn’t answer. He texted someone and said he was fine.

I told the therapist about his threats and he said he was not serious .

This is the same stuff as last summer. I need to see through the chaos and ignore that and get him out of my house. The chaos os exhausting and its all i can to get thru the day

(((hugs)))

I need to see through the chaos and ignore that and get him out of my house. The chaos os exhausting and its all i can to get thru the day

The day I left with my children (then 6yrs and 9yrs old) was the day that my exh threatened suicide. I called the police. They showed up, talked to him, deemed him "no longer a threat to himself or others" and LEFT HIM WITH US.

The female officer pulled me aside before she left. She said that people that can turn their emotions on and off depending on the audience are NOT safe people. That if she was me, she would think very carefully about what this is doig to the children.

I moved myself and the kids in with the neighbours for a few weeks before finding my own place.

I tell you this because you absolutely need to compartmentalize his shit from yours. I'm proud of you for recognizing that you just need to get him out. Make that your mantra for now.

I promise you that your soul won't be so tired once he's gone <3