SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am not a new member. Unfortunately I have lost my login to my email and can’t retrieve the login to my old SI account without access. So, I have to start over. I originally went under the name YoNoTengoAlegria. So here is quick rundown of my story.

I had a PA with a girl back in 2008. We went out a handful of times and were sexual twice. At the time I was dating my now BW, soon to be XW(sorry, don’t know the exact code) relationship with OW ended start of 2009. Asked my BW to marry me, we got married in the summer of 2010. Fast forward to 2018, the OW contacts me on social media. We continue to chat for a few months and phone calls. In a message, the girl brings up what we did. My BW see this message. I was in no way trying to rekindle anything, but it was stupid either way. The first PA was stupid, hiding it was stupid, the messages 10 years later were stupid. I am an idiot for what I did. Since DDay, I worked hard on myself, went through so much therapy. I really did become a changed man, a better husband. But it didn’t matter, the damage was done and no matter what I did, my wife would never accept me. I tried for 3 years, but nothing I did matter. I was punished everyday, my wife was just mad at me everyday.

Well, my wife has finally decided to give up, she doesn’t want to stick around anymore and asked for a divorce. As much as I don’t want it, I said yes. So I found a lawyer right away and I started the paper work.

So this is where I really need help understanding. My wife is asking for full custody with alternating weekends. She plans to move 2 counties over and take the kids. Here is my problem. Yes, I did those things, I had an A. But since my kids were born, I’ve pretty much been the primary caregiver. I’m the one that cooks at home, I’m the one that does all the laundry, I am the one who sits and does virtual schooling with them. Before that, I was the one picking them up and dropping them off at school. I take them to all medical appointments, dentist, check ups, vaccinations. I am the only one that communicates with the teachers and school. I was the one that helped on all school projects. I am the one that bathes them, help brush their teeth, puts them to bed.

What did my wife do while I did all that? She worked durning the day, in the late afternoon and evenings she either spent hours on social media, binged watched entire series or played video games until 2 in the morning. I didn’t have time to do any of that. I was busy trying to get my work hours in while taking care of the house, the kids, the dogs.

So why all of a sudden does she want to have full custody? I don’t get it?

My plan is to keep them in their current school, current district during the week. She gets weekends. Then when summer and winter vacation comes, we switch. Her job gives her 6 weeks of vacation a year. That works out so well. Also, my next home, the kids school and my office are all literally 10 minutes away from each other. I will be volunteering at the kids school, and going on class trips. My boss has given me the ok to have a hybrid type schedule to be able to take care of the kids. I won’t need anyone’s help. Unfortunately, I will have to downsize to a 2,000 sq foot home, but at least it has 3 bedrooms to fit all of us.

My wife on the other hand wants to move north of Los Angeles area. She can’t buy, so she will be renting a small 2 bedroom apartment. It is 800 sq feet and almost as much as our current mortgage. She will have to commute an hour to her job in downtown. She will be working long hours but says her dad and sister can help pick up or drop off the kids. Her whole selling point is that they have a great school system. The school system that I’m trying to keep the kids is a good school system! The middle school near us was recently called the most prestigious school in California! I don’t get it. And what does a great school system matter if your kids aren’t being well taken care of at home?

She swears she will be taking great care of them. But currently, if I’m not home they don’t eat a proper meal, just snacks, popcorn or junk food. They won’t be washed, and they go to bed way too late. And she’s always yelling at them.

I get it, I was a shitty husband, but damn, I am a great father and I don’t want her to take that away from me. My attorney says we have a good shot, but that never matters right? It’s the court’s decision and I think they usually side with the mother, right? Anyway, that is my rant / update. If you have any advice on how to deal with this, please let me know. Thank you for listening.

I don't think that is so Heaven, at least not anymore. Just document everything you do for the children, like everything, and what she does, and be factual, no emotion. If you show you are the primary care giver you should have a good shot at continuing to be so. you don't have to agree to let them move either. She will have to prove that moving them is in their best interest. Just make sure you don't say that to her, as she may start trying to do more.

[This message edited by nomudnolotus at 12:23 AM, May 29th (Saturday)]

Yeah, she’s already trying to do more and it’s weird. It just seems so fake. She’s trying to play this mother of the year part now and it’s just so strange after all the years of not being that mother. She has stopped playing video games, someone must have advised her to stop. And she’s being super nice. I think if she would have played this role before it would have made things so much easier, as far as raising kids and running a household. I’ve stressed out doing this all myself. I cry every night thinking I’m not doing enough for my family and feeling the pressure and the stress. And when I’ve tried talking to her about it she told me I was making it all about myself.

But yes, I’ve started documenting everything. I wish I would have started doing that sooner. I’ve already discussed her behavior with my lawyer. I felt bad talking about her like that as I’ve never told anyone about her bad behaviors. But this is serious now.

Courts don't generally approve of moving the kids away. You have that at least in your corner. She will have to have a good reason to move the kids away from everything and the courts consider Stability as a big factor. They don't care that you're a cheater, and I"m sure your attorney probably advises you not to bring that up anyway.

Just like you say you've changed and have become a better man, why can't your wife change and become a better Mom. Is that not possible? Maybe shes changing not only for the courts, but because she sees that you are not going to be there any longer to do all of those things that you do. Sometimes, change only happens when it must, or you get jolted, just like you did. She might be in the same boat, she has to now change b/c she is trying to be a better mom, just like after you screwed up, you wanted to become a better person. Can you not at least acknowledge that?

Honestly HalfTime, I wish it was a change for the better. I wish it was sincere. This past week and a half she has been playing the part, but there are issues. For one, she’s been trying to take care of their meals. I usually cook for them, but she has been ordering take out, a lot. Yesterday when I heard discussion of food downstairs I came down to start making something. She then ask if they want her to order pizza. They got all excited. I had to point out to her that we literally had left overs in our fridge from 2 days before from the same pizza place. Couldn’t say no though after the kids got all excited.

Her idea of spending time with the kids this week has been laying on the couch watching cartoons. That’s bad enough, but she’s getting my young son into her more adult cartoons. And then tells me, “look, he’s into the same thing I’m into”. And video games. She said she was going to stop, and she did for a few days. But now she plays and let my young children play her violent game. That’s spending time with them. She’s also pushing them to play more video games after I already told her I talked to the kid’s doctor and she asked me to cut down their screen time.

Memorial Day, she said she was going to work all day. I reminded her that her agency doesn’t allow working on holidays. She said she was going to work for free. I was like, ok. She could have taken the kids somewhere, anywhere or something, but that’s what she wanted to do. She heard that I was taking the kids to her family’s house and then all of a sudden joined us.

Yesterday, she kept bringing up that I should take them somewhere, mentioned it a few times. I was like, heck yeah, of course, we’re gonna do something fun. I took the kids to the pool for a few hours. She wanted to stay home, she needed some time away from the kids. She ended up playing video games.

Yes, people can change, I know that for a fact. She just isn’t showing me that she has. What I’ve heard from others on here about myself is that actions speak louder than words, I was told that a lot. And they were right. Same goes for her in this situation. She needs to do a better job to prove to me she can be a good parent. Especially if she ever does take them out alone. She’s not very vigilant, or observant and always on her phone. Stuff like that worries me.

And to your first point, my attorney did tell me the court wouldn’t just pull them out of a school where they are already established. At least, that’s the hope.

Also, thanks for your comment, and allowing me to get this off my chest.

HeavenBesideYou- I want to applaud you for being a present and hands on dad. Not all fathers can say that.

As it relates to your wife, give her some time. Change, just like yourself did not come in overnight. If your true intention is "I really want what's best for my kids", than you should turn your attention to helping your wife building and seeing some of the things that can help her with this transition for the sake of your kids. Ask her if she is willing to learn some of your recipes, in particular the ones that your kids enjoy from your menu. Give her some advice on what the kids enjoy doing, outside of the house, and not playing video games or watching cartoons. I say this as a father, not as a BS, but a caring father who wants whats best for my kids. That energy you have on their mom, it will show through, and it won't change how the court views your custody arrangement. It just wont.

The courts don't care that the kids have take out every day of the week. They care that they're fed, and taken to school, and watched after. When she moves out into her own place, you won't be able to monitor everything they eat, what they watch and who the play with. You will eventually have to just let some of this go.

And lastly give her some time

Thanks for that. That is actually some very good advice. I really appreciate you taking the time to help me understand that.

You have a good shot at custody. I have friends - both dads - who were able to stop the wife from transplanting the kids just because.

The courts could rule the kids stay where they are.

Hey First. I sure hope so. Going into this i right away just thought I was screwed because the courts would pick the mom regardless. I’m hearing more and more stories where that is not the case.

She’s been pushing me to agree to give her full custody. I’m taking my attorneys advice of not agreeing to anything. Today, she heard out my plan in the event I get custody and the only argument against it from her was that they wouldn’t be living with her. That was the only thing she could argue against cause really, everything else was pretty solid. She ended by telling me she was going to have to fight harder and told me she was now going to move even further away. I guess she’s trying to hurt me. I don’t know, I’m just thinking about the kids and what’s best for them. Her half assed plan was seriously lacking.

Hey First. I sure hope so. Going into this i right away just thought I was screwed because the courts would pick the mom regardless. I’m hearing more and more stories where that is not the case.

She’s been pushing me to agree to give her full custody. I’m taking my attorneys advice of not agreeing to anything. Today, she heard out my plan in the event I get custody and the only argument against it from her was that they wouldn’t be living with her. That was the only thing she could argue against cause really, everything else was pretty solid. She ended by telling me she was going to have to fight harder and told me she was now going to move even further away. I guess she’s trying to hurt me. I don’t know, I’m just thinking about the kids and what’s best for them. Her half assed plan was seriously lacking.