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Well, today we told the kids. It went as horribly as you would imagine.

I feel like asking for the dissolution and telling the kids is the part that I most dreaded of all of this and now those two things are behind me.

In general, do others fear these parts the most? Does it get better from here on out or are there other things I need to be prepared for?

We’re due to tell the kids in a few days. I’m dreading it. It’s definitely one of the parts I fear the most. Another one is going to be when STBXWH moves out (will be about a week after telling the kids).

I would think continuing to live in infidelity would be much worse.

Reflect on your choices.

Perdita,

It was terrible. I guess the only advice I have for you is to remember the temporal aspect of it; it will pass. My girls are doing much better now than they were in the morning. I played some games with each of them and we both really gave them all our attention and I think that it helped.

If you do it in the evening, there will be a morning and it will be better. And if you do it in the morning, there will be an evening and that will have gotten better. Good luck.

I feel like asking for the dissolution and telling the kids is the part that I most dreaded of all of this and now those two things are behind me.

I am not sure whether you have told your kids the real reason, but the key now is to try and keep the peace and a semblance of normality as much as possible. Make them feel like they are, and always will be, the centre of your world.

I am glad you are going through with it Dogcopter. I know it hasn’t been easy for you to come to this decision, but it really does get easier from here.

Based on my experience, kids are fearful of the unknown, especially about their personal situations, like will they be living in the same house, going to the same school and keeping the same friends. After being told about the impending D, my kids became much better post-divorce, after they settled into a routine, knowing which days they’d be at my house and which days of the week they’d be at my ex’s place. It helped tremendously that I kept the family house and my XWW got a place on the other side of town, so that my kids remained in the same school and kept all their friends. Also, I highly recommend the 5-5-2 custody plan because it fixes our custody time to constant weekdays with alternating weekends so that my kids know for certain where they will be for any school day into the future. My son told me that he was in a much better place after the finalization of the D because all the uncertainty had been removed and his new normal wasn’t as bad as he had feared.

The 2-2-5-5 schedule is what I'm pushing for. It really did seem to be the simplest to do.

We have both been available to the kids a lot and I think that helps.

Karmafan, I guess was what I was asking. It seems like the hardest decisions are done. The rest is just details. We didn't tell the girls the reasons... Just very vague. It's not age appropriate yet. (10, 8)

I have so many feelings right now and they conflict with each other some. That's why I'm a little rapid fire when it comes to these new posts.

Thank you guys...

So sad and painful. I have read many of your posts but cannot remember if you had DNA tested your daughters? If it were me I would have to know and be sure. Does not mean I would abandon children I had raised as my own but I would just need to know the truth.

No, I get you.

I have tested the younger one and confirmed that I am the dad. The pictures of me as a young kid looks just like my older daughter so I felt ok putting it off, but I will do that sometime.

Either way, like you said, it wouldn't make a difference fathering. But God forbid, someday one of us needs a kidney, it will be important for one of us to know.

Thanks for the advice dogcopter, I will remember it as I navigate my own sad discussion. My oldest is 9 so similar age to your girls.

Thinking of you and your children.

Telling my daughter was the second hardest thing I've had to deal with in this process.

The first hardest was to deal with having 50/50 custody(I would prefer to never have my child stay in another home than I).

The ex was too far up APs asshole to even be present for the discussion, so I had to tell her myself. She was 7.

It's honestly a little traumatic to even think about it. But DD was okay, after she cried a lot. And she's remained okay, almost a year later. And that's what matters in the end.

99Problems,

Oh, that makes me so angry that your WS wasn't a part of that discussion. Mine was entirely present the entire weekend. We gave them undivided attention the whole time and I saw some of the tension leave my oldest I think as a result. In fact, I would go so far as to say that she was wonderful this weekend with the whole thing and our kids benefitted from it.

Not to be excessively crass, but if only my WW would have kept all those dicks from getting into her, she'd be a great mother! There was a flash at one point when my daughter was sobbing and all I could think was, "This is ENTIRELY WW's fault." It was red hot anger for an instant and then it faded.

Is that wrong of me to think that this is her fault for this?

@dogcopter

I found the expectation to be worse than reality but of course it was traumatic at the time.

My kids saw nothing coming, we had due to a combination of HB, my pick me dance, her lovebombing been closer to each other than at any point in our relationship and it was already at a high level so yeah they had no idea.

The actual time of the disclosure was kind of unplanned. WGF was having an emotional moment and just said “I want to do it now” so we agreed on a few choices or words and called the kids down.

To her credit WGF took full responsibility, didn’t blameshift etc and there was a lot of hugging and crying for a few hours. Took the kids a couple of days to come back to earth but they’ve bounce back very quickly.

We have discussed every aspect of the split with them (logistics and accommodation etc) and they’ve taking it all very well. I will be the one moving out (I was renovating this place while the A was happening so I don’t want to live here) and the kids have been part of the new property viewing process etc.

Obviously the fact we all still live together in a harmonious household is probably delaying the major impacts for them but I feel that’s better than having any animosity or one of us moving into a rental.

We’re about 6 weeks from closing in my new house so things will change very quickly.

But all in all the trauma didn’t match expectations and the kids relationship with their mother is still very good.

Is that wrong of me to think that this is her fault for this?

It would be wrong to think it wasn't. The fact is, it is her fault.

Answering your earlier question, yes telling my son was the worse. It does get better. He is fine now.

I am of a slightly different opinion that I wanted to tell him myself so he had the basic facts without me navigating the news with cheater possibly manipulating things. (Plus my nephew had suggested it as a child of divorce at the same age as my son. He said don't have "The talk", just tell him the truth quick and simple)

It is still worth it for you to talk casually with them alone to make sure they are clear that this is not your choice, you were forced into it the same way they are. Just stating the fact, not disparaging your cheater in any way. They 'feel' it if you try to hide that basic truth in any way and it is unsettling.

The good news is if both you and cheater aren't bad mouthing each other, and she is behaving in a loving way towards them everything will be fine. (ha, screwing around on dad, lying to everyone, real loving I know.)

Take care.

It comes and goes in waves. You did get some very hard parts behind you, but with children things come and go in waves. They will have hard days, probably on different days than you. Be prepared for a lot of questions, and answer them without giving them too much info that will upset them. Kids are strong, but this is hard for them. Hugs to you, you are going to be ok!

So glad the girls are adjusting and handling it as best as can be expected. I have two major fears looming on the horizon - telling my boys and telling my parents.

We are waiting for DS1 to get home from college to tell both boys at the same time. I have no idea what their reactions will be, but I think about it all the time.

Telling my parents - I might dread this more than telling the boys. My Mom adores stbxws...ADORES. Like, on a pedestal adores. I watched them get blindsided by my sister's D eight years ago, and they only liked him.

I can't think of anything else that I dread coming down the path, but I'm sure I'm not thinking of something. Let me know!!

Congratulations two dozen on closing on a new house. That feels like a bittersweet moment for you guys. For me, AP lives right next door.... And down the street.... And around the corner.... And also five blocks that way... Guy four in this neighborhood. I'm not interested in the house either, but for slightly different reasons.

It would be wrong to think it wasn't. The fact is, it is her fault.

Anna, I believe this, but it also feels wrong to feel this way for some reason. Almost like it's more important to move past now. I'm always caught up on the right thing sometimes I don't just do what I feel I should. It's a little like this here. I'm policing my emotions about this.

Someday, my girls will know why this happened. I will rely on IC for help with the when of it.

Thank you for the warning cbgrace. I was picturing a gently slope down where every day is slightly better that the last but I can see how it might be fine for a while and then really emotional for them immediately after.

Henry, my sister was tough for the same reason as your parents. She still texts my wife all the time. She maybe doesn't need to know right away how much WS abused her brother... That's an issue to deal with another dayi think

Thank you guys for the encouragement. I do feel like a weight is gone after telling them. It's some relief, but I know it added some weight for them... So not much better.

I keep thinking that I can't shield then from this and I am not the origin of their pain... I just can't guard them from it forever.

My disgusting EXWW would have preferred that I take all the blame and she have none of it.

She(WW)is not very happy that I picked a different route, namely that I told her (DD)that her mother and I could not be together because she (WW) "fell in love with another man" (who had already been introduced to my DD before dday#last)

and that I had to leave and live in another home that would now be hers as well. May I add that I don't give one tinkers good God-given fuck about how WW feels about any of my decisions.

Fucking nightmare fuel. And I am still dealing with the emotional fallout daily almost a year later. But... I am dealing, some bad days and a lot of good days.

[This message edited by 99problems at 10:25 PM, May 24th, 2021 (Monday)]

Thanks for the post, dogcopter. My STBXWW told me this morning that she's moving out on June 19th. I'm dreading having to tell my son his parents are getting a divorce. I'm dreading not seeing him every day. I am NOT dreading not seeing my STBXWW everyday (or most days for that matter).

Short and simple, huh? Just the basic facts?

He has a couple of friends and acquaintances whose parents are divorced. Are kids this young capable of relating and finding comfort with their friends in similar situation?

He has a couple of friends and acquaintances whose parents are divorced. Are kids this young capable of relating and finding comfort with their friends in similar situation?

I think that will help them put things in perspective, however, the only thing that will truly comfort them is feeling that you are still there for them, and always will be. That although the logistics will change, the love you both have for them won't. And don't just assume they know that, tell them every day! And don't let them hear that quiver in your voice.

Conflict avoidance is actually a wonderful thing where kids are involved because any sign of conflict can affect them for the long term. My divorce was high on conflict and my children had to witness things they should have never had to witness. And young minds tend to 'read' conflict as 'it's my fault mom and dad are fighting'. That was the case for my 11 y/o son and it took years of counselling to eradicate that belief.