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I think that will help them put things in perspective, however, the only thing that will truly comfort them is feeling that you are still there for them, and always will be. That although the logistics will change, the love you both have for them won't. And don't just assume they know that, tell them every day! And don't let them hear that quiver in your voice.

I think Karmafan is right Unhinged; this is the philosophy I am taking. I came home from work early yesterday and just gave them all the attention I had to give. This was at the expense of getting the dishes and some other chores done.

This is not something I can do long term; I have to do well at my job of course and we have to be in a clean safe environment. But I am doing everything I can to let them know our feelings for them have not changed and they are the sun in our universe right now.

I've also been wondering about the friends they have. Neither has friends with divorced parents, but one of their friends has lost her dad 2 years ago. She hasn't adapted in what I would call healthy ways, but it could be much worse and who am I to judge that?! I wonder if my daughters can learn something of grief from her...

My guess is that there is some normalizing that will happen between your son and his friend who has gone through this. You will have to check in periodically to guide this learning though.

in OUR universe right now

I am doing everything I can to let them know OUR feelings

It's a tough thought pattern to break after being a part of a couple, but consider letting them know YOU love them, and you know Mom loves them also. They are the sun in YOUR Universe, and also in Moms. It is is a tiny difference, but as time goes on you will be speaking of your feelings and plans for them and Mom will have to speak for herself. They have two parent individuals who look out for them, not a couple. It seems sad but it is something everyone adjusts to eventually.

So sorry you are going through this. Telling the kids is the hardest. Don't think it gets any harder than that. Hope things get brighter for you and the family with each passing day.

How are you and your kids doing OP? My kids have been told now too.

Well, I have been visiting my brother and his husband for the weekend. I flew out on Thursday and will stay through tomorrow. Today would be day five and I hate it. I wanted to experience five days away before signing up for it every two weeks.

I'm so angry today. She keeps pointing subtly to all kinds of small things I did wrong or we did wrong. I'm not leaving because of a breakdown in communication! Im not leaving because I didn't replace the backdoor handle in a timely manner! I am not leaving because sometimes I'm not great with appreciation!

I'm leaving because she had 8 AP's in various stages, at least 4 that were physical and 3 that had the words "I love you" uttered or typed and I happened to get that transmission because I spied on her! That's why I'm leaving!

And now I won't be in my kids everyday life because of this. Fuck!

I don't see my brother often, this is actually six days away so, this is worse than what I/we would experience normally. But today is day five and I hate that I will experience this every other week.

The girls do seem better with things, but I don't know. I've had to remember that they do not really connect on the phone well, so I don't really know.

Being memorial day in America, ... I've been thinking about the men and women who go away to serve and stay long periods of time away from their families. My situation really isn't that bad I guess. But I miss them and do not look forward to spending 50% of my time away from them.

If you have a friend or family member you are honouring today, I wish you a really good day. Thanks for letting me let that out.

Oh dogcopter, I feel you, I really do. Why do they do this to us? My STBX is trying to spin a narrative that we are divorcing because we are ‘incompatible’ - sure, and his 5 years of indiscretions have nothing to do with it? Give me a break.

I don’t know how I will cope without seeing my kids everyday. I think you doing a ‘trial’ by going to your brother is a good idea. I hope they have been able to give you some support. STBX has been delayed on his rental so it’s going to be a couple of weeks before I have to be in the house by myself.

Keep writing dogcopter, I hope it helps you.

Thank you, Perdita.

I think what you and I experienced is not that unusual. I think it's denial, maybe if they can blame something else, they can feel better...

However, it doesn't mean I can't get angry about it. And I do get angry about it.

It was helpful to let it out the other day.

How did your kids take it?

Sometimes our issue is that we base our expectations of tomorrow on our lives yesterday.

My eldest son divorced his ex wife 4 years ago. They have two kids, and he really hated the thought of spending less time with his kids. However, he discovered that the weeks he is alone he works long hours and does all the chores managing a home require. The weeks he has his two kids he works minimal hours, cooks meals and spends time with the kids. He insists that even though they are only there every other week he spends MORE time with his kids, as opposed to in the same vicinity as his kids.

even though they are only there every other week he spends MORE time with his kids

I hope that this will be what I find to be true as well.

SI,

Actually, I have a question. I do read a lot of books and some of them that have been suggested to me here have made it to my stack. I wonder if there are books on parenting through this stage? I prefer books that are heavily backed up by books...

Any recommendations?

I'm going to post this as a new topic...

Thanks for asking dogcopter - the children burst into tears at the word ‘divorce’ and there have been questions - I just started a new topic about some of them. Remembering what you said about the temporal aspect of it really helped me weather the initial storm. I’m keeping a close eye on all of them.

Ok, I'll go over there.

Im glad that helped