SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Its been 15 months since DD (wh had a 3 month affair that turned physical the last month before I discovered the affair). WH didn't confess, I found the messages he sent OW about wanting to end our marriage and his plan was to be with her.

Now after months and months of IC (EMDR), I am strong enough and have had clarity that I want to get a divorce. I have looked for and applied and been accepted for an apartment (which won't be available til end of April -new construction in an existing complex). I got clarity in February/early March, that it is the best thing for ME.

Our DS will graduate in May and move 45 minutes away for college (where DD is going to be finishing up in December).

Now WH wants to continue to work on the marriage and prove to me he can be the husband I deserve, but I have been waiting for 15 months for this (actually longer than that). He finally said that after all this, it is me that he wants to be with. Ugh! It is like I did the 180, and he is doing the pick me dance.

So why do I feel guilty wanting to end the marriage? Is this normal? How do I stop feeling so guilty when I know I can't be in this marriage anymore?

I think it’s normal. I still feel guilt over ending the M and it doesn’t help that my STBX blames me too. They always say here it is not the A that ends the M but the actions after it. That was true in my case. Sometimes love isn’t enough and it’s too little too late. My STBX still wants to work on M but then emotionally abuses me when I’m back and I’m not willing to put myself through that again. If you know this is what you need to be healthy and have clarity proceed with the moving out and see how you feel. Maybe you need some distance from him.

In exactly the same situation. Like exactly. 3 month EA/PA caught 15 months ago. Finally got strong enough to say I’m done in the last month and now WGF and my IC/MC are both saying its the wrong decision and she’s doing more to make it up than she did in the last 15 months.

Nothing to add but will be following for advice.

Edited to add: WGF is not eating, not sleeping, is having panic attacks and is really struggling with this “new chapter” and its killing me to watch her go through what I went through a year ago. We have the added issue that exposure hasn’t happened yet either so in top of all this she has to deal with our kids finding out, our parents and friends etc. I can assure you that I will take zero pleasure in any of that, but at the same time I will not lie to my children or family about the reason. It all just sucks that now I have to add guilt to my list of emotions to work through each day.

[This message edited by TwoDozen at 4:19 AM, March 24th (Wednesday)]

For me I think some of the feelings of guilt came from doing what I needed and wanted.

In the marriage I had made tremendous sacrifice for my ex-wife and others (mother in law) over many years. I had put my spouses and some family member's wants and desires well ahead of my needs.

When processing such feelings, I gave (projected) the guilt back to my ex-wife. She owns the repercussions of her infidelity.

It is okay to have such feelings. I think it is important to identify the source of such feelings and process them as you heal.

Take care of yourself. Post infidelity and during the divorce process, my suggestion is to do what you want and need.

Your WH is a liar. What makes you think that he is not lying now, and that he is going to truly work on the M.

Many of them are such good manipulators, you have to be super careful when around them. He had his fun and now when he is about to deal with his choices, he's asking you to save him. Cmon now.

You can divorce him and let him prove to you if he is worth it. YOu should look at the divorce and see if its worth it to you on a business case. Make the determination that is best for you and if that is divorce, than divorce him and let him date you. If he is truly sorry and truly wants to work on the marriage that shouldn't be a problem. You will see his real face when you tell him that. No need to feel guilty. He was the one who cheated, he wronged the entire family. Its all on him.

He’s making you feel guilty. It’s part of the manipulation cheaters use to get their own way.

15 months is a loooong time to wait and hope.

Have confidence in your decision. It’s what is best for you.

Y

our WH is a liar. What makes you think that he is not lying now, and that he is going to truly work on the M.

He probably is, he has pretty much told me countless times that he has figured out what he needs to do to be a better husband, but then he goes back to his old ways.

He’s making you feel guilty. It’s part of the manipulation cheaters use to get their own way.

15 months is a loooong time to wait and hope.

He doesn't see it that way, but he definitely uses guilt a lot, I could make a list that is pages long of everything he has said over the past 15 months. It is what is best for me, and I know he will act (again) like he had no idea that it was coming (and still is)

Tell him to do all of the work he needs and that if it's meant to be, maybe you'll get back together someday. Then keep packing. You can always remarry him once he becomes the prince you dream of, but promises? Yeah, those are cheap and worthless. You deserve more. Let's see what happens.