SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good morning,

I am a WS. My husband found out about my affair 1.5 years ago. The first year was filled with missteps and everything you are not supposed to do until we found some great programs to help us.

There was trickle truth a year after D-Day and a bit more 13 months after D-Day during a Validating Amends that our counselor suggested.

My BH has gotten some good help. He has made progress in moving past the crisis, past most of the rage and anger, into the mourning and forgiving stage.

We are both working hard to improve our communication, along with finding desire, friendship, and happiness again. We are actually doing quite well in this area.

M issue is a lifetime of deep-seated shame. At this stage, I switched careers during the Pandemic. I am still working from home, have little contacts with the outside world. I reduced my friend's circle down to damn near nothing over the affair. My extended family relationships are very stressed. I came to the end of helpfulness with my IC, and am in search of a new one.

My main issues now are:

I'm constantly questioning if what I am doing is right. If I'm failing my husband.

I am daily questioning my professional stance, and if I am a total fraud in my abilities.

I am questioning if I'll ever have any decent friends again in my mid-forties.

I am wondering what the hell life will be like.

I am at home ALL THE TIME.

I just feel extremely isolated and alone and unsure and like a failure and a PoS.

I question myself constantly.

I feel like I have a short window every day to focus on my career, bc my kids and husband need assistance with stuff throughout the day. I can't start work early or work past when my husband gets off (also working from home), because then he'll think and say I'm not focusing enough on him.

I feel like I'm just here, trying to fill time between when someone needs me to help them.

I feel like I will never be enough and never be able to get my feet back under me and be able to stand up tall again.

I feel like I am still a shell of sorts.

I created this but fuck it's killing me. I'll never be able to go dancing again, one of my favorite pasttimes. Never out with the girls on a girls trip again. Never feel comfortable being alone without my husband again.

I'm in great shape but honestly wonder if I should just let myself go and just give up sometimes. I'm intelligent and determined, but lately that's just gone.

I have worked so incredibly hard to be honest and helpful and regain my integrity and self-worth and not be a lying cheating *##$.

I am just left feeling like I still haven't found myself again after all of this.

We are still early on. I realise that.

My affair was 2013-2016. BH found out fall of 2019. 2020 was brutal as hell for everyone, all while the entire family was under the same roof for close to a year.

I feel like my marriage is in the best pace it's ever been in. And I'm so grateful for that.

But at times I feel ilke I may be in the worst place I've ever been in. A cage of my own creation. And I'm not quite sure how to get free. Wondering if it's just Karma. And if so, why am I so incredibly pissed that my AP sn't paying, at all, for his actions also. But then I think that's just the vengeful side of me stirring up. Stop and drop the resentment and stop thinking about that at all. Just focus here, now, in the present. Yet I have a ridiculously hard time focusing on anyting these days.

You are very hard on yourself. I think a little compassion is in order. 2020 for many people has placed great emphasis on the need to be social (among other things) and how its something humans just need. When you've spent almost a year at home I have no doubt you are feeling the effects. Not to mention the proximity of your dday.

Have you considered your self talk probably isn't the most accurate voice? Its a lot easier to let your inner voice just run the mill without stopping to question it and challenge the validity.

I think its okay to not like your cheating self, and I think its okay to be mad and sad about it. But its important to move past that and accept that version of yourself to then turn inward and get to work.

You said you feel like a shell, I suppose its time to start filling back up with things that you'll actually feel good about. I think the hardest part for me was once I stripped myself down, I become somewhat scared because I thought what the fuck do I do now? I don't know who I am anymore!

Part of my work was figuring out what actually means a lot to me. I had to flip my thinking and realize, I've got a blank canvas to work with. What do I want to fill it with? This doesn't happen overnight. My painting is incomplete 5 years later. But for the last two years or so, I've been incredibly excited to continue. I'm getting pumped just talking about it. And you will get there too.

I don't know the whereabouts you reside, but winter effin sucks. It doesn't help much when you are already in a shit state of mind. But, spring is right around the corner and I don't know about you but that alone brings happiness to me. Maybe what you need right now is a little rest and self care. I believe its perfectly acceptable no matter your circumstance and demands. How can you possibly be emotionally supportive to your loved ones when you are depleted? Answer: you can't.

So maybe too, after a good rest, you reach out to safe friendships and try to rekindle something.

I'm sorry this has been so difficult on you. Often times we look at our past wrongdoings and when bad things occur we think that it must be justice in some form. I go through this constantly. I encourage you to find some hobbies and perhaps consider branching out and finding some like-minded couple friends. Maybe even through the program that you and your husband are going through. We certainly have done some terrible things as Wayward(my story is similar to yours and currently suffering separation from my wife), but we are only human. Learn to forgive yourself as I need to also learn. We are deserving of forgiveness.

foreverlabeled offered some wonderful advice, and I second everything she said.

Your state of mind right now sounds very much like where I was just before (and after discovery) the affair, and in fact, that state of mind had a lot to do with why/how things went down the way they did. Are you seeing an IC? I'm not a therapist, but generally speaking, you sound incredibly depressed, and it is concerning. Please take steps to make sure you don't go too far down that rabbit hole. If you feel as though you can't take it anymore, promise yourself (right now, this second) that you'll reach out to people, okay?

I created this but fuck it's killing me. I'll never be able to go dancing again, one of my favorite pasttimes. Never out with the girls on a girls trip again. Never feel comfortable being alone without my husband again.

That first part is indeed tough. Here we are, people who are already in a bad place emotionally, struggling just to cope, and then we go and do something that just makes everything so much worse. This is true. But it is not the end, and it is not hopeless.

Every story is different and I cannot promise you anything, however I can tell you that now, for me, five years into R, things have changed a lot, for the better mostly. We spend almost all our time together, because we want to not because of trust issues. We are making plans for our future together. We make sure to hug every day and she initiates that most of the time. We talk more and more over time. There are still bad days sometimes, but they are much less frequent and much less severe now. And I need to tell you that I, personally, am a happier, better person now, someone capable of loving myself to some degree, having healthy boundaries, and living a life where I no longer need to carry the shame of my childhood trauma. I learned to actually grow up, and be an adult, and expand beyond myself, to see and hear others. Who knows? My wife may still decide one day that it's over, it could happen. But if it does, I know I'll be okay, and I know she'll be okay. And that's a place that I can operate from, because it is not based in fear and pain.

As foreverlabeled pointed out, part of the process ahead of you is learning about yourself, who you are now and how you got there, and then offering yourself the opportunity to be someone... better. Someone you love more, respect more, someone you feel more proud of, and more sure of. It takes a shit-ton of work, humility, courage and determination, and a willingness to fail... a lot. And then keep trying. But if you do, there are rewards to be found.

Focus on becoming a safer partner for your spouse to be with. Be honest, open, and take full responsibility for your betrayal without being defensive. And more than anything, let him see you putting in the work. Trust is something that is built, and earned. He will never trust you 100% again, that's true. But that doesn't mean it will always be the zero-trust and pain that it is now. Part of that depends on him and what he ultimately decides and wants and will allow in his life. But a big part of it is on you too. Give him every reason to stay, sacrifice your needs if you must, and put him first in all things. Be the spouse you should have been. Part of his decision making going forward will be based on what he sees and feels in regard to you. It's easy to divorce someone who doesn't a give a shit. But it might be worth considering R if it seems they learned and grew, and have regained empathy and understanding of what they did and how it destroyed the marriage, and show remorse and contrition.

Take 2.

You never responded to my post back in November. How have you dealt with the shame? What are some of the things you've worked through and what did you find worked best for you?

You seemed to be on a positive track just a few months ago as you were encouraging people not to get bogged down in shame. What changed?

Or is it the confines on your "freedom" as a result of your A that is troubling you? What kind of A was it? EA? PA? Both? You mention 2013-2016, was it a 3 year affair? Does your BH post here? What are you doing differently post-DDay than before?

A cage of my own creation. And I'm not quite sure how to get free

I wonder if you are just going batshit crazy from Covid and everyone being home, etc.?

A lot of what you write rings of situational depression to me. (I've been there and I know those feelings you describe, and it can be a real rabbit hole to go down)

Are you able to vocalize these feelings and thoughts with your spouse?