Like ripples on a pond....
About nine years ago I set off on my affair.
It lasted about a year.
Here we are all this time later and the effects of that affair are still like the ripples on a pond when you drop a stone into it. They subside ever so slowly but you can still see them.
I am a much better person today than I was then. I wish I could have done this growth and fixing my M without throwing such a massive wrench into the works. But I did. And I am more sorry every day for going off and having an affair.
A few days ago my wife and I were talking and the conversation turned to my affair and how we have changed since. We can speak of it in some matter of fact terms these days, but a part of me still wants to crawl into a corner and cover my ears to avoid it.
I root for those waywards that come here looking for help and advice, but I also recognize that we come here broken, and fixing ourselves can be a long process when some of us are not even ready to be honest with ourselves let alone others.
I've lost what my original intent of this post was, but some posts on I can relate got me thinking.
I feel that my real question of our community is how long did it take you to really feel you had grown past the affair and become a better person and partner? And how many missteps did you have (because none of us are perfect).
4 comments posted: Wednesday, May 3rd, 2023
1 comment posted: Wednesday, March 10th, 2021
Christmas and New Years
2020 was quite the year. Pandemic, lock-downs, working from home, still trying to understand what the deal was with toilet paper, face masks, and baking bread.
Mrs. Clean and I went for a drive to a few country markets today and splurged on some nice treats and artisanal meats and cheese for Christmas Eve. It will be a smaller gathering with just our immediate family.
Reflecting back it was a difficult year in some respects. I discovered I had massive pandemic anxiety - spending days freaking out and not doing well in general. I also discovered what it means to be together, like all the time. I was comfortable with that and enjoyed our moments doing small things.
To the point of my post though. I realized what a difference it is being honest and open these past few months. With nothing to hide there was no stress. I spent some nights on the couch due to my anxiety. I was able to let Mrs. Clean know why. I never could have done that before.
Today while driving I handed Mrs. Clean my phone to check a few messages that came in. I just handed her my phone. No worries of what she may see.
So I came to appreciate the growth I have made over these past 5 years.
I also finally started to treat my youngest (he is now 21) as an adult. That was so hard to do for some reason. I've watched him trip and fall a bit, but he gets up pretty fast on his own much to my surprise.
Thanks Covid for these positives.
So, end of year and how about one or two personal growth stories to share with us.....
6 comments posted: Saturday, December 19th, 2020
Positive Reconciliation Stories
W2BHA is always so upbeat and has been on a mission to get a few more posts onto the Positive Reconciliation Stories., and she specially was hoping for a few from WS's.
I took some time to read the stories, and so few from waywards (not surprising). I recalled reading those same posts about 4 years ago and they did motivate me. There was hope.
I posted my story. To be honest I found it more emotional to write out than I expected. It felt good though.
So, any other waywards who are in R and would like to maybe share your success head on over to the Reconciliation forum to the pinned post.
72 comments posted: Tuesday, December 1st, 2020
5 Years today....
5 years ago my AP went all nuclear on my BW and exposed the A to her. I had ended the A a few weeks prior and was trying to build up some kind of nerves to tell my BW. I was way too chickenshit to face her.
For months prior during during the latter stages of the A I kept wanting to scream out to my wife "Can't you see how shitty things are? Look what I've done! I had a fucking affair"
Before My A I so wanted to fix things with my wife. I was too afraid to open a dialogue. I so regret that. No, instead I bitched and complained to another woman. Oh and she fed me all the lines I wanted to hear. I played my AP too. I was taking and taking. My AP made me feel important, and needed and she was willing to do whatever - what a power trip.
I clearly remember those first few moments when my BW called me all confused saying she had an email from a woman.....
That was the start of a journey of self examination, of truth, of learning how to be a couple again, how to communicate and deal with life's stresses.
I decided to blurt out everything. It somehow became easy once I started. The real hard part was trying to understand why I did the things I did, and even harder was accepting I had depression and other issues that I needed to work on.
The AP was the shit sandwich that kept on giving - she literally stalked us for about 6 months. Even after we blocked on everything digital I started to get notes on my windshield at work, mail to my house. With everyone of those I felt awful bringing it to my BW. But in a strange way those brought my BW and I closer. We circled the wagons so to speak. It made it easy for me and my BW to have a real united hate on for the AP.
For a long time I kept thinking about all the 'what ifs' in the years leading up to the A - If only I had accepted that I was depressed, if my BW had not been depressed too, if I tried to communicate with her, if we had sex more....Looking back now I understand that the 'what ifs' search was my way of trying to shirk accepting responsibility. For sure there were issues in our M and with me, but I took the wrong path to deal with things, or more to the point Not Deal with Things. What I did was escapism.
Today for sure there are still the odd triggers from the A, and I know there is a very short leash attached to any trust my BW gives me but I also have learned how to keep her apprised of where I am and what I am doing if out. We have cobbled together a new M with a much healthier relationship. This took work on both our parts.
I mention this time and again on posts - but learning how to effectively communicate was so huge for my wife and I post D-Day.
There is a lot of times I will complain to my wife about work, a neighbour, whatever. I get it off my chest. She listens. Sometimes she agrees, other times she calls bullshit on what I am saying, but end of the day I am communicating. We also don't let stuff build-up or ignore issues. We deal with stuff that bothers us head on now. It is much healthier this way.
I'm here still learning, and also trying to offer some advice along the way. At times I am in awe at some of the responses others put up with such insight.
12 comments posted: Friday, October 9th, 2020