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For those of you that have a PTSD diagnosis, what do you need in the middle of a trigger? What are the best ways your significant other (wayward or not) can help and support you when you are triggered? What are some DO NOTs when you feel triggered?

Hey there Iamtrash/Iamrecycling

BS here that fits the bill. My answer will be a bit all over the place as...well...my feelings (especially mid trigger) are all over the place.

This will be hard, but you will need to learn to read your BH signals. And this is a learn by doing type of thing. Truth - at 3.5 years from DDay1 WH is only now very good at reading mine.

It like that meme - I don't know if I need a hug, space, chocolate, vodka or 2 weeks alone on an island. The answer is YES - and I need them all at once. In the throws of a doozy out of nowhere trigger I didn't see coming even years out - I want to throw things and curse WH and AP to perdition - all the while screaming "I want this not to have happened". This IAT/IAR is where you need to intrinsically know/learn to quietly say "I love you and I am so sorry" and to intrinsically know when to hug and when to give space. Over time, you will learn. And your BH will not react this way as often - I know in the beginning for me this was every trigger. Now - it is those out of left field ones.

With me - WH has learned when to let me alone with things [because in reality some of them once I give them time and myself some self care do fade and really aren't worth making a big deal of - think of it as a cat who just wants to hide and lick wounds a bit]. He has also learned when to say "what's up" and keep pushing when I say "nothing". I have learned to be better at communicating when I need to be left alone with it and tell him something like "I'm having a bad moment of it all and think it will pass on its own" OR "I will say - you are right I do want to get this off my chest". This took years to get to this point. In fact I'll even preface things I initiate now with "I could either tell you what's on my mind or be a bit*h for a few days" and he will listen.

Be gentle. Be available. Be strong. Be loving. Be in tune. It is a delicate dance with being compassionate vs being perceived as love bombing. Bring me a cup of coffee when you notice I need it vs asking me non freaking stop if I want a cup of coffee. Understand that gesture may be met with a warm thank you or a bunch of anger or just left to sit and get cold. However, it will be remembered that it was brought.

Ride the storm out with your WH during a trigger - large or small. Even if all you can do is try to be a calming presence to someone who doesn't want it in the moment - stand tall and strong and be there. Be honest, be empathetic, be apologetic and be LovingAF.

Now - do NOT under any circumstance - when he's melting down - bring up any "fault" [think - you know it really is your fault because - insert perceived slight here]. Do not in any way romanticize or throw AP in the face. Do not in any way mention AP or say what AP would or wouldn't do. Or - at the worst of the trigger meltdown - mention you should just D or go to AP. Don't try to get into deep relationship discussions. Don't pander. Don't placate.

NOTE - IAT/IAR these are generic examples because you asked - not anything I think you did or would do or (if you have done in the past) am calling you out for.

Is this the type of answer you were looking for? I hope my ramblings helped in some way or offered you insight.

Thank you for posting such a topic.

Everything Chaos said.

But a simpler one is to simply say "I am here if you need to tell me anything." Or "Can I give you a hug?"

Either/both of those with a heartfelt "I'm so sorry you're triggering. What can I do to help you right now?"

You're not a mind reader, so sometimes you might not read his needs correctly, but for me any effort to acknowledge the trigger, apologize, and offer to help would have helped in that moment (mine sucked at handling my triggers and largely didn't even try, so take that with a grain of salt).

BS here too. I second Chaos's comments. To go a little further, if it's safe, connect emotionally. Share how bad you feel for being the cause of all this upset. Share that you're grateful for the chance to work it all out. Share that you're grateful to be moving forward together. Connect. Don't fix. Don't say what your BS could be doing differently to heal faster. Connect with what you're feeling, your remorse, guilt....and then connect some more when the storm has passed. What your BS did to make you feel loved, what made you happy today, what you're most grateful for,

When I'm in that awful place, if FWH can say with genuine emotion, I'm so sorry. It must feel dreadful. I wish I never. It was never as real as we are together. (Trick is, you really have to feel that in your bones - because if not, it sounds rote and BS can smell this a mile away) No love bombing. You really have to feel it. And, if you don't ....that's ok. It's better to take space and time to take care of you than say what you think the BS needs.

My FWH says....I'm here when you can come back to me....a lot. As a BS I think it is so hard to talk about these without going into attack mode. At least it was/is for me.

Kudos to you for asking the question.

Triggers suck.

That’s definitely the answer I needed, Chaos.

I am a complete failure at reading triggers. I am a failure at knowing what to do. I feel like I try a lot of things and fail miserably. It helps a lot to know that it took a long time for your WS to get better at identifying them and knowing what to do. I am completely lost. It’s also hard because how (rightfully) upset he gets when triggered is triggering for me. I feel trapped in this endless loop of causing each other more pain. It’s like I want to help, or back off, or do whatever he wants/needs me to do but I also get trapped in that fight or flight feeing.

I want to be better at it and sometimes I feel like he expects me to just know what to do and say. (It’s my job to fix this, so I don’t blame him for that.)

I’m so tired of hurting him. I feel like it’s all I do, without even trying.

For those that experience that fight or flight, heart racing feeling, how do you manage it? How do you get yourself out of it?

I have CPTSD from fire rescue and infidelity

I need space while I'm triggering. Sometimes I even trigger on purpose to desensitize myself to them. Not all are infidelity based.

It works better for me if my WW bears witness after the fact than while I'm in it.

Maybe the chat needs to happen during a time of stability about what your BS is likely to need.

It kind of depends on what you think you need in those moments. Sometimes I want to be held, sometimes not. Sometimes I want him in the room, other times I want to be alone. If you have trouble verbally sharing your need in the moment, perhaps come up with hand signs or index cards with what you want on them. Each person is different at different moments. Prayers for guidance and support.

I needed a lot of patience from my triggers, unfortunately my STBX would make the trigger worse either by being defensive or insulting me.

A lot of patience and support. Being there to listen and understand. Give space if it is asked for. Reassure him that you are there for him to support him through this. Try not to take his triggers personally as we usually feel bad for saying things we don't mean during a trigger.

A book that really helped me understand my trauma and PTSD (from CSA and infidelity) is "The Body Keeps the Score." It may be helpful for you and him to read.

Hey there Iamtrash/Iamrecycling

I suggest "iamcompost." Compost starts with ingredients that appear to have no value, but with time and tending, they become a rich soil that helps things grow.

For those that experience that fight or flight, heart racing feeling, how do you manage it? How do you get yourself out of it?

This is a question for your IC. You are in IC, right?

My H is in IC right now for similar issues. He's been given a variety of advice. Breathing techniques, separating himself from the trigger to calm down and then revisiting when calm, various ways of reframing the situation around the trigger as to not let that anxiety boil over into anger, etc. An IC is really the best person to give you advice on what to do and may want you to keep a journal of what triggers you and why to find the most effective way to handle them.

Yes. I am in IC.

One thing in The Body Keeps the Score (a book on trauma that I cannot recommend enough) that I found interesting was that Van der Kolk said he would only Rx Xanax or other anti anxiety meds if the client was journaling the triggers (and when they took the Rx). The idea being that taking a pill to alleviate them doesn't really get to the root or the long term work of learning how to handle triggers as they arise.

I have to echo Chaos' comments. If talking about a BS' trigges (and IamCompost - I can't tell if this post was about your PTSD or your BS), it really does come down to the WS doing enough work (read: shame management & empathy) to attune to the BS when triggering. I dunno what it looks like from the "other side" of the street, in that asking (or expecting) a BS to do that kind of attuning with their WS in the first several years doesn't sound very reasonable or empathetic to the BS' trauma.

Specifically for triggers that are acting as a sort of panic attack/fight of flight situation, handing the person experiencing this a glass of ice water and telling them to take a sip is a good simple technique.

It does a few things to ground them back in reality. They have to recognize the other person to take the glass. Take it, feel the cold on their hands to bring them back to the present. Stop breathing to take a sip. Then start breathing again.

These simple actions can help bring someone back to the present from a panic attack.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 1:52 PM, February 1st (Monday)]

For those that experience that fight or flight, heart racing feeling, how do you manage it? How do you get yourself out of it?

What has helped me the most is understanding what's happening to my body. I encounter a trigger or a fright, and the amygdala of my brain send out signals which release adrenaline and cortisol. In the aftermath, I notice slight pain in my head and neck, a feeling of rolling/emptiness/queasiness in the pit of my stomach, and a deep dip, almost like a plunge, into black depression. What I know, from having paid close attention to my body's reaction, is that this is TEMPORARY. The reaction will dissipate in 12 to 48 hours and I'll be okay again.

To be perfectly honest with you, yes... I want some understanding from my WH about what I'm going through when this happens. But he can't change anything about it. It's physiological. It's all about the amygdala of the brain being hypersensitive. He might have caused this reaction due to the trauma he created, but he can't fix it. I just had to ride it out, knowing that it would pass in time. Six years out, I really feel like my brain is back to normal.