SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I cheated on my wife. I did not love or treasure her completely. This is the biggest regret and most painful episode in my life. We were married for almost 10 years and we have very young children.

I lost my wife, my family, extend family relationships, matrimonial home, dreams and more. My wife and my children also lost an intact nuclear family, their home and their dreams as well.

In Oct 2018, I joined and actively participated in an online sex forum. I was addicted, I was reckless and I met multiple women and we participated in group and individual sex. I made excuses and left my wife and children at home at night to meet these women on multiple occasions.

My wife, or STBXW, suspected I was cheating and warned me to stop. I did not stop. A few weeks later my STBXW tracked and confronted me at the apartment lobby of my AP.

I did not apologize or express remorse immediately. My STBXW was devasted. She revealed what she had found out. I terminated my participation in the sex forum and contact with of the women. A few weeks later she kicked me out of the house. I expressed remorse, made her promised and sought R.

A few months later, in early 2019, my STBXW relented and I got to move home to help take care of the children. To keep a long story short, it was a false R. I did not out in my full effort, I failed to fulfill all my promises to her. In early 2020, she decided there that the relationship has ended and filed for D.

The D proceedings were delayed for a few months due to Covid lockdown. In June this year, the proceedings resumed. In a few weeks, the divorce will be finalized.

My STBXW and my children have moved out 3 months ago. I lost my role as a husband and a full time father. My life has lost it meaning. Everything is empty.

She has since blocked all communications with me. Whatever I had or intend to say did not and will not change her mind.

I wanted my STBXW and my family back but it is too late. I destroyed my family, I destroyed whatever dreams and future plans we had.

I regretted cheating on my wife. I regretted not giving my 100% when my STBXW gave me opportunity to R almost two years ago.

I'm sorry you burned your bridges so thoroughly with your wife. It's time to look forward at how you can become a healthy individual, a healthy co-parent, and possibly a healthy and faithful partner to someone else in the future.

What concrete steps are you taking to work towards that?

I am having IC but mainly focusing on depression and preparing for coparenting.

It has been many months but I am deep in denial on the divorce. Everyone including my STBXW and counsellor have advised me to move on. But I can't.

My regrets and too deep. I am in depression. I have too much time. I sleep too much. I can sleep the whole day away. I can't find any new meaning in life.

It's painful. I constantly ruminate. I wish I can turn back the clock. There's so much I wish and I can do with my family. So many places to travel. Now everything is gone.

Go to IC.

The reality of it is your children still need you and can still be a purpose in your life.

You need to work through your shame and self loathing. I would propose that you think about your addictive personality, where that comes from because people often swap one addiction for another.

Start with some self care. One step in front of the other. Eat well, take vitamins, exercise daily. This will help you with your happy chemicals. If needed, see your medical doctor for medication because sometimes that is needed to get over the hump.

The future is up to you. It can be full of much joy and happiness even if that seems impossible now. If you are feeling suicidal, please reach out to someone in your life and get help.

Thanks BSR and hikingout.

I have seen a GP last week and obtained a referral to see a psychiatrist. I am awaiting for an appointment date.

Except during IC and with a close father from a divorce support group, I did not and I am unable to open up my true story. It's the shame.

I can't find joy in eating but I am eating ok. I joined a running group and have been running regularly in the evenings. Running helps but only to a certain extent. Compared with many divorced or divorcing fathers, I may be physically strong but emotionally weak. Many have told me to wake up and only I can pick myself up. Many have also advised me to focus on what I can control. But I can't.

I still cannot focus. I am barely getting by at work. I seldom go out now. When I do go out with fathers from the divorce support group, I cannot focus. I keep checking on my handphone and thinking about my divorce. I am badly distracted.

During my IC (I have almost 10 sessions of phone, zoom and f2f so far), my counsellor suggested I practice daily gratitude by making a list. I stopped after 8 days as I struggled to fill up the list. On my worst days, its work, TV, toss around in bed and sleep. Repeat.

My counsellor suggested attending mindfulness workshop or to volunteer eg at a hospice. I am just not interested. Its back to my shell of wallow and self-pity.

I googled a lot. I read from SI, Betrayed Wife Clubs forum, podcast and many many other online resources. I started to learn that even though I treasured and held on to the albums of happy memories, my STBXW and other BS felt otherwise. In fact my STBXW has thrown away our marriage portraits and all photographs of us together.

I also figured that I exhibited narcistic behaviour previously in my marriage. I also exhibited symptoms of BPD, depression, ADHD, compulsive behaviour, self destructive behaviour, etc especially after my STBXW filed the divorce petition.

Even though she has made in clear more than 6 months ago that she is firm in her decision, I still Whatsapped, emailed, and constantly asked, pleaded. reasoned with her for a final chance to R.

Many times I knocked myself against the wall for

the financial devastation, the energy and the time expended in the divorce process. If I had kept my dick in check, we would have been a blissful family.

So you are bottom.

There's only one way to go but up from here.

You're in good company here. All us waywards are a hot mess of imperfection. Stick with us. Hang in there. Believe it or not you are not a unicorn. You are not unique. You are not special. So many have come before you and blown up their lives. It is sadly a well worn path.

During my morning meditations I actively think about those others that have done such stupid shit. They're everywhere. Let's ask the richest man in the world how he feels about blowing up his family for a hot piece of ass. How many $$ Billions $$ would he pony up to go back two years and start over.

Focus on your kids. 50% of their DNA is from YOU. I bet in a year you can be a more active dad.

Go get a new dog.

In the three years since my A was terminated I've learned many things especially the good/ evil dichotomy. Many men spend their waking hours accomplishing great things. The other part of that crowd spend their days avoiding disaster. Hour by hour, inch by inch........think of the next thing you do......are you aspiring to reach higher with this next step or are you simply avoiding a further mess.

I give you the Two Wolves story....perhaps you have heard it:

A Cherokee elder was teaching his young grandson about life.

This same fight is going on inside you—and inside every other person, too.

The boy thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,

― Tsalagi Tale

So spend today feeding your good wolf.

[This message edited by Lucky77 at 7:41 AM, November 13th (Friday)]