SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I finally took a look at the girl you cheated on me with and threw away our life for. She's 23. Works in a sex store. Interested in men and women. Has two children with different dads and the fathers are no where in sight. You said she was a whore and I believe you. Now you've made your bed and you will lie in it. She is what you chose. You say you love me still, but that doesn't mean a thing. I hope you're dying without me. I hope you cry and wish things were different. I hope you see the disappointment in your child's eyes when she asks why I am not around. I hope you feel heartbreak and pain when I send you an invitation to my baby shower, that you won't be attending, because I never want to see you again. We now share a daughter together, but the only time you'll see her is when it's your day, and we won't speak much about anything else ever again. You ruined us! You did this! I hope you're happy now. And I hope all the sex, drugs, and alcohol you do fill your voids best as they can. Goodbye.

Do you wonder if I'm still angry at you?

Yes and no.

No, I'm not angry at you for cheating on me. I didn't see it at the time, but I now recognize how deeply broken you were inside and that you had to find validation in your sexuality through someone other than your husband. I realize that my frequent telling you you were beautiful (and meaning it), bringing you coffee in bed every day, making date nights with you as our daughter became independent, initiating lovemaking where your pleasure was my main goal - all these gestures of love couldn't address your feelings of self-loathing and inadequacy. I feel sorry for you that you couldn't see your self worth. I gave you a second chance for a full year and you repeatedly showed me your willingness to put your fragile ego above me, above your own daughter, above everything else. No, I am actually relieved, not angry. You showed me that your insecurities were far more important than your own loved ones. And I was able to get out of this toxic fucked up mess with my health and (most of) my sanity intact. And now I am free to be myself and pursue more healthy relationships in life. So, we're good.

Yes, I am angry at you for what you did to our daughter. Not just to have an affair, but to communicate about it on an email account that she had access to, thus ensuring she would find out and be tortured by your poorly kept secret. That you lashed out at her and blamed all your awful impulses on her. How could you tell her that she was the reason you wanted to kill yourself? that she was the reason you, an alcoholic in "recovery" wanted to get shit-faced drunk?

You took all your brokenness out on our daughter. You fed her the story line that your affair was minor and that I was the parent who failed due to being "fragile" and "sensitive." Yeah, I don't like being maligned that way, but far, far worse was that you were normalizing cheating to our daughter. You're supposed to be her female role model and you're telling her that cheating is no big deal?

Then you did everything in your power to poison her relationship with me, encouraging her anger at me, the SAFE PARENT, while you, the UNSAFE PARENT escaped scorn. That is so horribly selfish.

Luckily for our daughter, she is recovering from the horrible lesson you've tried to teach her and she is rejecting your teaching. Our relationship recovered and she and I are doing great. And guess what? I didn't have to talk shit about you to make our relationship better. Yeah, she tells me that you talk mad shit about me still. Rest assured all I tell her is "I'm sorry you had to hear that." That's all I say, because THAT'S WHAT GOOD PARENTS DO.

TL/DR; I'm not angry at you that we're broken up, I am angry at you for harming our daughter .

Wow!

Drag this living hell of a divorce and in house living as long as you can

Why on earth don’t you move in with SLUT FACE?

I am so angry, you need to wake up IDIOT!

I am seriously at the end of my rope.

Your own grandsons don’t even know you (that’s probably a good thing)

why are you acting like nothing has happened when i collect the kids.

why do you "want to be friends" when you are still fucking him?

Do you know how painful it is divorce someone you love?

Do you know what it's like to leave you with the kids, when you are nothing but a dirty thrill seeking trollop?

dont look at me. don't fucking look at me.

Damn, I missed you today bruh! I miss your laugh, your cuddles...but I miss the old you, my best friend...my person in this world...my beautiful wife. I wonder how you are doing. What have you been up to? What did you think of the GOT ending? I couldn’t watch that shit, reminded me so much of you. Have you finally realized the error of your ways or are you still blaming me for everything? When will you realize that you did all of this??? I never wanted any of this. All of this is a direct result of your dumb selfish fucked up choices!!!

I miss your Niece and Nephew, sometimes I want to call them and find out how they are doing and tell that I miss them, or explain to them why I am no longer around, but I know it won’t do any good. I hope that they are ok and that you are not filling their head with lies, but whatever, what does it matter right?

So your email the other day was quite something. Spewing fire as per usual. The one from your mom as well. I didn’t expect that from her, but I guess the lies you are telling everyone are very effective. One email and you are doing fucking jumping jacks inside my head, even had to stay home from work the next day. Damn...

But I miss you bruh. I miss you so much that it physically fucking hurts. I think back to the times when we were happy, our late night chats, our evening walks, seeing peter rabbit lol, discussing his imaginary lifestyle I miss making love to you...staying indoors the whole weekend, just getting up to eat planning our future together, names for our kids one day that one hits me hard, because you used that to manipulate me into staying, knowing I always wanted kids.

I can’t believe it’s been three months, my recollection of time is so fucked lol. Sometimes it just hits me like a pile of bricks that I might never see you again, the person I’ve seen everyday for the past 10 years of my life. Scary shit.

I reach out for you at night, I dream of you...but when I wake up, you’re not there. Fuck, it’s hard to get out of bed in the morning. But I do, most days. I’m strong, I’m surviving. Remember how you told me that I wouldn’t survive without you? well I’m doing it. Only now I see the full extent of the damage you did to me, how much of myself I have lost, but I’m slowly getting me back. I’m starting to be more present, no more mind fuckery for me. You couldn’t even recognize my voice on the phone the other day, you dodo hahaha, that was hella funny, I kept on saying that it’s me and you are like no it’s not...like wtf lol.

Fuck bruh, we could’ve been so great together, so happy...everything was finally happening for us...everything we always dreamed of. All I wanted to do was make you happy... I would’ve loved you until forever...taken care of you, given you the whole fucking world. All I wanted from you was for you to love me back...

WTF? Why couldn’t you just love me and be the woman that I fell in love with? Was any of it real to you? Did you ever love me? Where is that fun, caring, amazing girl I met so many years ago? Was she ever there or was it all a show? Now you are so bitter and cold...so cruel and heartless...like wtf bruh? I didn’t even recognize you anymore, it felt like I was sleeping next to stranger. My mind and my heart still can’t comprehend it...so evil..and the revelations just keep coming, all the skeletons are rearing their ugly heads... can’t believe this shit... our whole fucking relationship? Really??? I just fucking ate up all your lies. Was it fun??? Did you enjoy making me a fool? How could you do that shit to me bruh???

But I wish things didn’t turn out this way, I wish I could have us back, our life, our home, our future...even though it was lie, I still wish we could have us back.

I met a girl the other day and she reminded me so much of you...there was a point where I almost thought it was you. That was scary...When I’m at the gym or the market, I see you, I see your shadow, it’s like you are about to show up behind me, cover my eyes with your hands and say “guess who”, but you don’t...and you never will...this, I need to accept.

P.S, just fucking sign the divorce papers already...

Bumped for Talon

Approaching first 24 hours of NC. It feels weird not to tell you goodnight. Lately our “goodnights” have consisted of me texting you to tell you to have a nice night screwing your new girlfriend and saying horrible mean things to you... which isn’t my nature. So I guess saying nothing is better. At least I don’t go to sleep disappointed in myself for feeding your narcissism. I wonder if you’ve tried to text or call me today... I blocked your number, so there’s no way to know. Tempted to unblock, just to see if something comes through, but I know that I will be upset if you say something... and possibly more upset if you say nothing. So keeping you on block. Yes, this is best.

17 years together... and this is where we are. It’s painful, but I know I am better off without you. I need to learn who I am again. I was 19 when you decided to take advantage of my kind heart and unconditional love. I lost myself in you. So tonight, I go to bed alone. And someday soon, I might even like it that way.

I know we're divorced, after all I filed, but do you need to constantly bring our daughter around OM?

Most days I get it, it's not my problem, but it still hurts when I make an effort and answer EVERY call with you for our daughter and she asks you, "Momma, where's OM?" Can you not FaceTime me from his house? Is that too hard?

When are you removing the last remaining crap from my house? I've asked 100 times and I get the same answer, "soon."

I'm sick of dealing with you and we've only been divorced for 7 months.

So tonight you are refusing to pay your portion of our shared expenses. You are asking me to compromise. I find that hilarious, because for 17 years, I compromised MYSELF and my financial well-being so that you could buy guitars, records, alcohol and weed with your income. And then went on to screw multiple women and eventually leave me for a 26-year-old whore. So go fuck yourself and pay me your portion you piece of shit.

You are such a piece of human garbage. You're now lying about having to work early and compromising MY work schedule? You leave at 3:45 AM to go to "work" when you're really going to meet your OM you disgusting piece of trash? Pick the worst thing that could happen to you, then multiply it by 10, that's what I wish on you.

You user. You manipulator. You narcissist. I let you come over last night to pick up a package and see the dog. We had gone NC for three days. It was the first stretch of significance and I was starting to see the road to healing. Then you tell me you want to break up with her and come home and my heart soared! So today, I asked you to do that. I was ready. I was ready to get to work and get my partner back. And then you disappeared again. Stopped responding to texts, calls... and said I should block you bc you don’t want to keep doing this to me. YOU ASSHOLE. You are the one that convinced me to UNBLOCK you last night. I was fine. I was resolved. I could see happiness on the horizon and then you pulled me right back in. Well, I’ve had enough. I am no longer your narcissistic supply. Go fuck yourself and the whore you rode in on. I officially hate every part of you, except your soul. You don’t have one of those.

Yeah, if I could check my email without having to brace myself and take deep breaths first, that'd be great.

Oxygen thief. Useless disordered fuck. Tasmanian devil brain.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 7:37 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

After the divorce I suddenly have much less interest in communicating with you. You messaged me immediately after the divorce and I had absolutely no desire to reply

You "liking" my posts pisses me off. Let me guess, I'm going to be the asshole for not wanting to be your friend, right?

I feel so glad that I have no ties to you once the money is sent. Reading through this thread makes me appreciate that we didn't have a child together. Perhaps the best decision I've ever made regarding our time together.

What I do hate is I'm still thinking of you constantly. Dreaming of you. Wondering what you're doing. Then tiny things that remind of the pain make me angry. But the indifference is starting to set in between the anger and sadness.

Yesterday you texted a few times regarding paperwork and the kids. I responded in my usual brief business-like manner. You responded the same way, except for one sad faced emoji about missing the kids.

Jeez, you appeared NORMAL! Was that so difficult? I never would have left you if you were indeed NORMAL. Alas, you are not. One brief exchange does not a normal person make. My hopium pipe is long gone. You are who you are.

The default cluster B texts and emails will resume in short order, I know. Mehhhh....

Normal is not possible with you. Healthy fulfilling relationships will never be possible with you.

I am grateful for the presence of your girlfriend, but my basic human compassion struggles just a tiny bit with NOT telling her who you are. I have suffered enough, though. 19 years. I escaped. Every man for himself. I refuse to place myself in your cross hairs again.

I'll just be over here blending into the wallpaper.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:05 AM, July 13th (Saturday)]

You just had to show up tonight. We had gone 24 hours with no contact. I was doing just fine. And I stayed strong, held my values and told you over and over that we are done, there is no fixing this. But it went on for two hours before I realized I can just ask you to leave. And it worked! I will remember that from now on... you show up? I simply ask you to leave. Done.

But damnit, now I’m sitting here in tears. You are such an idiot for ruining the best thing you ever had. You will never comprehend the level of pain you have caused to me, to my family... and you know what? I’m getting stronger. I felt it tonight. That strength. That resolve. I am learning my worth. I have been forever changed, fundamentally, by all of this. I feel the power, the strength, piping through me. Thank you for hurting me in the worst way possible, so I can find myself in ways I never knew were possible.

Now. Leave me the hell alone.

Why?!?! Why do I want answers still? You never gave me anything but lies... our 2 oldest are so ANGRY at you that they only want to text you if they need something..... they keep asking me WHY? Why would he do this? And I dont have a good answer.... I gave you 4 years to get your shit together , I lived on Hopium becuz you seemed to be changing for the better.... but then.....

I was officially diagnosed with PTSD and you Officially BAILED out of the marriage (over the phone you FUCKING COWARD!) Never giving me time....

The kids dont want to see you!

They know that they cant count on you!! Our 15 yr old tells me he wants me to find someone who Really loves me, I didnt realize that they could see it too..... that makes me so fucking sad.... to think that I put up with your shit so that they could have a 2 parent family, and yet they could see that you didnt love me .... you providd nothing but money, and emotional insecurity .... and I dont care anymore if you completely stay away, if it helps my kids. FUCK YOU!!!!

[This message edited by MultiplePain at 12:11 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

Why the FUCK?!?! You come home from a 3 week training and just a week after asking for a divorce over the phone.... ASSHOLE

And have the nerve to tell me that you are still sober!?!? Informing me that you didnt jerk off or cheat on me this trip..... who fucking cares at this point?!! Did you want me to be happy for your "3 week sobriety"???? Did you want a medal for doing something for 20 Days that I have done for 20 years?!?! I have kept my hands and my eyes off of othes while you had unprotected sex with others!!! ARG!!!

[This message edited by MultiplePain at 12:20 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

I don’t know why today has been so hard. I know that you are never going to change, that you will always be the person that had no empathy, no conscience. You cheated on me probably more than I will ever know. And I don’t want you back.

Actually, today, I’m angry at HER. The child-troll-woman that calls herself a feminist. Feminists... TRUE feminists... they support other women. They lift other women up and cheer for them and wish good things for them. They don’t ruin other women’s lives by fucking their husbands. She is an idiot. She is a hideous person, inside and out. I hope I can shake this... I don’t naturally hate people, I’m usually a good person. But she is just SO AGGRAVATING. She is a child that cares about no one but herself. And I just want to call you, have you put her on the phone, and yell “Stop existing, you c***. You deserve to have your life ruined and I will ruin you.” I want to hurt her the way she has hurt me. But I know I can’t. I have to remain calm. And carry on with my life. This too shall pass.

Maybe it's my own mental gymnastics, but all this reflection after the divorce makes me care about you less.

Unfortunately your brother called me. I'm very grateful for his help, and adore his wife and child. Your mom is great too. At least they're acting great. I definitely wish to take them up on their offer to eat together, but all this makes me realize how bad you are for me, and they probably don't know any of this.

I'm starting to wonder if I was the OM to your previous relationship.

You cried the first time we had sex. I thought you were just drunk and emotional.

You kept your ex in your life for quite a while and while I didn't like it, I tried to be understanding.

The guy you I saw you with was a marriage candidate during one of our spats, but I tried convinced myself you just met him because your family pressured you to.

The guy that said he could buy you 5 iPhones, I never even thought about why you were in that situation.

The day you got in a car accident while coming home with a drunk man alone. I thought he was just a friend. A different scenario never crossed my mind.

The day we had a fight and you called a friend and they sent their bf to our apartment. We got into a physical fight any while I put him in his place, I ended up with an injured ligament myself. Suddenly it doesn't make sense that someone you didn't know well would try to fight me in my own home and console you while threatening me after i hurt him.

The man you said you kissed while drunk. Stupid me didn't care because you said it disgusted you.

Then there's the weird crap where you kept mentioning a 3 way with another girl. Were you sleeping with a girl at any point?

The sudden backpain that you used as an excuse about not being able to orgasm with me anymore, which after a year of frustration on my part became "its because I'm thinking about you too much and I'm too anxious". What was making you anxious?

Were all those trips to a bathhouse really just trips to a bathhouse?

And i remember at least once you scared me with a fake pregnancy. Maybe twice. Was it because you were worried someone else got you pregnant?

Seriously fuck you. You fucked me up really bad. I can't stage my cats. My rage issues are back. I walked home thinking i don't need friends i just needed you, my partner in crime. I was very happy here, alone, because i always had you. i was so secure. now that's all gone. whats left is loneliness and rage.

You messaged me the other day to see if i moved my gym eq. Seriously fuck off. i did that before we divorced. i took care of everything. there's no reason to ever contact me again, except to pay me back my portion.

you made me cut my hair that I grew as a response to my mother's cancer to prove i love you after dday. that hair meant so much to me.

you tried to set up tracking shit while i was sick in the hospital to better cheat on me.

you lied to me about that get together with old classmates and staying at your mom's house.

you made me sign a document i didn't understand regarding ownership of the house giving it to you during the middle of your affair.

what a horrible person. i hope your mom is ashamed of you. she should understand what it feels like to be cheated on for years. i don't understand how she can forgive you.

fuck you.

Oh boy, please let me get through this meeting tonight with my dignity intact.

I realized we haven't been in the same room or vicinity since our D hearing 3 years ago. Yes, I chose to have this meeting about DS's health insurance because it would just be easier to come to agreement in person than this awkward "sending messages through DS" bullshit you requested 2 years ago. And yes, I chose to have it in your store because no way in hell are you coming to my house or am I going to yours and OW's. And since DS will be on speakerphone we need a little privacy. And I will try not to sneak peeks at the little business OW set up for you since you can't keep a job.

I know it's a possibility that you will want to put DS on OW's insurance. And if so you will probably have to claim him on your taxes. I know it's just a technicality, but I like the solidarity I feel with DS that filing provides.

I've put on my armor - dressed nice, hair looks good, smiles are coming easily today, bracelet says "she believed she could so she did" and I feel strong. I thought I was stupid to think it should bother me, but hey, this is just practice for future events with DS (marriage, babies, etc.)

But OW better not be there!