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Newest Member: angbel

I Can Relate :
When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2


AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 12:19 PM on Thursday, July 18th, 2019

I don't generally give this advice here, at least this bluntly, but since you're part of this fun subgroup of WS's Yesterday's Trash and got the exit opportunity swipef out from under you, I'd say dump this guy's ass. My spider sense tells me maybe the AP rejected him rather than he got hit by guilt.

We give our cheaters a big benefit of the doubt, but I'm a cynic. Guiltiness to me smells like they've had their own loss of an opportunity and now are backpedaling to recoup what they can in order to continue living on easy streets. Nobody likes being single, not even people who at one point felt like the BS was worthless to them.

Truth is, anyone who drops a BS for new strange is a piece of shit. Simple as that. It's the sure sign of a person who only sees other people as things to benefit their own lives, not, ya know, other human beings to be respected. I get that relationships are hard, I truly do, but there are healthy ways to cope with these very normal trials and tribulations.

So yeah, I'd say really think about whether or not you want to drag yourself through years of emotional turmoil, years of staring into the face of a man you once loved who betrayed you in the worst way and for whom you may feeling nothing anymore. Most marriages half shelf lives and it's our personal responsibility now, as people who are aware of this fact, to act accordingly instead of trying to force a square peg into a round hole. I should've left my ex years ago, but I didn't, and this is what happened. You husband might reoffend, and then where will you be?

Something I've learned from the WSs and BSs in R here is that actual remorseful cheaters will actually put in the the work. Users won't.

EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

posts: 1069   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018
id 8407470

Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 9:11 PM on Sunday, July 21st, 2019

I’ve gone back to work, which is good. I’m now worrying that I will bump into my ex and or his affair partner. It’s actually quite unlikely, but could happen. I don’t know how I would react 😞 has anybody got any advice?

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: England
id 8408742

HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 1:31 AM on Monday, July 22nd, 2019

Not going to lie, I had this worry a lot. It feels like you're always a little bit tense, worried that the next person to turn the corner is going to be them.

Just try to acknowledge the feelings when they come. When you feel yourself being nervous, take deep breaths and literally shake it off. The longer you go without seeing them, the easier it'll get.

All I can say is it subsides over time. Now when I'm in the area where we used to live I'm aware that he might be there, but I'm not on high alert anymore.

DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 839   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8408807

Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 8:11 AM on Monday, July 22nd, 2019

Thank you. This is good advice. I think it basically is part of life now and to recognise that is important. I will try and take a breath and shake it off. I told myself yesterday when I was worried that it’s unlikely they would want to see me either so would probably avoid where I work.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: England
id 8408881

HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 10:27 AM on Monday, July 22nd, 2019

As some of the few females who are part of this oh-so-exclusive exit A club, I feel like we've got to give each other some tips. Not sure if this would work for you, but it helped to have a few songs I could scream at the top of my lungs while I was driving.

I spend a significant amount of time in the car, and that was really hard on me because it left me with way too much time to think. The regular radio was too much of a trigger - not knowing what was going to come on, and all of a sudden I would break down in tears because of some love song, or the song we listened to on a vacation, or for our daughter's birthday, or even just something that reminded me of a meal we had one time.

Think things with angry or sassy lyrics, nothing sappy unless you need to cry it out. I know it can be hard to tap into our anger when we're so sad, but that's the beauty of the songs. It's much harder to cry when you're yelling angry lyrics, or getting really sassy, and if you just have a few songs you know will do the trick, you don't have to wait for the radio to put something on that's useful.

Here are a few of my favs for different moods... some moods are very specific haha.

Angry songs - these ones are for when you really need to yell:

You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette

I Hate Everything About You - Three Days Grace

Still angry, but a little easier on the vocal cords, in case you've blown your voice out a bit too much with the other angrier ones:

Cry Me A River - Justin Timberlake

Fuck You - Eamon

Fuck You - Lily Allen (this one is obviously more sing-songy, but the lyrics are just too good)

Are You Happy Now? - Michelle Branch

Sassy songs - trust me, being abandoned like this does NOT make you feel sassy at all, but singing these can get you there if you really get into it

Truth Hurts - Lizzo

Good As Hell - Lizzo

Sorry Not Sorry - Demi Lovato

No Scrubs - TLC

Thank U Next - Ariana Grande (I really don't like her, but this song just works)

You Make Me Sick - Pink


Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood

For when you need a good cry, but also something upbeat. The lyrics are so completely poignant to our situation, so you have to be sure you're ready for it:

Dancing On My Own - Robyn

For when you're kinda wistful, but just on the cusp of being in a good mood and need a lift:

Dogs Days - Florence and the Machine

For when you need an angry cry:

Rolling In The Deep - Adele

Foolish Games - Jewel

Damn, even just typing that was triggery as hell. XH and I used to send each other songs to listen to.

But anyway, hope that helps!

DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 839   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8408888

AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 11:20 AM on Monday, July 22nd, 2019

Truth Hurts, Fuck You, and You Oughta Know are great tunes to get you through. Yelling out loud in your car and saying, to yourself, all the things you want to say to them is ridiculously helpful.

At one point though, I went the opposite route: I kept listening to depressing songs from like weeks 4 to 7 (except when I signed the asset agreement, that was a bright shiny day) in the hopes that I'd purge all the shitty sad feelings and run myself dry. Songs which dredged up ill feelings from across the 12 years, reminders of other similar but not quite as bad instances where she pulled some nasty crap and our relationship suffered for it.

Turns out my bottle of sadness had a bottom and eventually I did run dry. I wouldn't exactly recommend this but it worked for me--likely because I had the free time back then to stew and wallow as needed.

EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

posts: 1069   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018
id 8408896

HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 1:50 PM on Monday, July 22nd, 2019

AG, I have no clue how you listened to depressing songs. I literally have not listened to the radio once since all of this happened back in November.

My Dad tried to turn it on two different times when we were in the car together and I had to ask him to turn it off. I would rather sit in silence than have the radio on and be subject to whatever unpredictable choice the DJ makes.

Thank god for podcasts and being able to hook our phones up to our cars' sound systems. I honestly think I would have cracked if it weren't for that.

Even running errands is full of emotional landmines because I'm at the mercy of whatever music the store is playing over the speakers. I freak if I don't have my headphones on me. I learned my lesson right after DDay when I heard our wedding song, and one of our other favorite songs both in the same day. I now have a vast collection of headphones because if I forget mine, I will pull over and buy cheap ones at a gas station rather than go somewhere without them.

DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 839   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8408926

AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 2:40 PM on Monday, July 22nd, 2019

I went for the shock and aww treatment to jump start the rational part of my brain. Somewhere in the first 4 weeks, I spent a lot of time forcing myself to look at our old photos. The wedding ones were particularly tough, especially considering how beautiful she looked that day. I looked and looked until I felt nothing, which took a couple of days. Like I said, I had lots of time to try out these coping strategies. This one in particular did work, but again, I wouldn't recommend any of this for the faint of heart.

I will say though, even now, months and months later, after being pretty emotionally detached, I cannot for the life of me watch the music video for LCD Soundsystem's song Oh Baby without tearing up. Our wedding song, our favorite things, whatever, I can experience all those things without feeling negative, but damn can I just not watch that one particular music video with dry eyes.

EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

posts: 1069   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018
id 8408949

STLLOST ( member #65656) posted at 5:41 PM on Tuesday, July 23rd, 2019

I cry at all sorts of songs. I heard If You Want Love by NF and man it hit. It says someone should've told me if you want love you're going to have to go through the pain. If you want trust you're going to have to give some away.

Our song was Halo by Beyoncé so luckily that doesn't come on the radio hardly at all anymore. But it seems like so many things trigger me. It rains and I flash to us dancing in the rain. I smell a fire and I think of the nights on the patio together. Nothing is safe anymore. And I swear there are so many freaking shows or songs about cheating that there is NO safe place.

Abandoned I have been crying pretty much daily for 18months and I have yet to dry up that damn well. I think it's also different for men when it comes to crying because most boys are told to suck it up.

posts: 248   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2018
id 8409547

STLLOST ( member #65656) posted at 5:48 PM on Tuesday, July 23rd, 2019

How are we supposed to not continue to ask ourselves why weren't we enough?

I thought my marriage was a good one. I thought we had a good relationship. My wife tells me I'm beautiful and sexy as hell, I have an amazingly kind heart and I'm her best friend...then WHY THE FUCK am I not good enough to stay with? Instead she has decided that she just can't let go of her AP and will tell me she doesn't know why but she just can't. That just tears me apart...SO I have all of that going for me and I am still not worth the fight..

posts: 248   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2018
id 8409551

Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 12:19 AM on Wednesday, July 24th, 2019

It’s so hard isn’t it 😞 I have tried to sort of endure and reclaim some songs. I feel really angry that I can’t enjoy them anymore when some of them I introduced to him. So that makes me more determined to listen to them. Music is a massive trigger and the radio is very unpredictable. I listen to my headphones too. Hehadadoublelife thank you 😊 I have been driving with my music up loud and singing and it’s good to get the feelings out. I binged on beautiful sad stuff too. The Nationals new album sums up exactly how I’ve been feeling. Stllost you are good enough.. It’s your partner who has lost out. I understand how difficult and painful it is. My partner couldn’t leave his affair partner either. I have been devastated. Time for a new perspective. I’m sending you hugs and support

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: England
id 8409768

RockstarDad ( member #62075) posted at 2:10 AM on Wednesday, July 24th, 2019

Truth is they weren't good enough. It's difficult not to be introspective but most of this has nothing to do with the betrayed.

We got the shit end of the stick in the short term (relatively a couple years is short term). Knowing you lied, hurt and cheated on your spouse is a curse I wiuldn't ever want to internalize for the rest of my life.

If they don't value that then thank God you aren't with them anyway.

I gave her 7 years of everything I had. I will not give her one day more.
Me BH 36 Her WW 33 OM 27
She moved in two days later with the OM directly across the street... Divorced. Onward!

posts: 417   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2018
id 8409812

AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 3:33 AM on Wednesday, July 24th, 2019

I second this. I've been friends with a handful of narcs. They're all miserable, self-absorbed people who treat others like fuel for their egos. Most of them flounder in life. People like my ex, unfortunately, excel because they hit certain jackpots (such as being a hobbyless workaholic petite blonde in an old horny male dominated field who knows how to use a hair flip to her advantage).

If a person has no regard for your well being, ESPECIALLY when they spent years pretending that they do, to the point of taking certain "vows" testifying to these false feelings, fuck em. If they feel remorse years later, good, I hope it prematurely ages them as penance. If not, they're creepy fucks who do well to stay more than 100 yards away from us at all times.

EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

posts: 1069   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018
id 8409852

Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 6:00 PM on Wednesday, July 24th, 2019

I feel like it’s unfair that stilosts partner has sort of made her feel to blame because she can’t share her 😞 that is really really hurtful and makes it even more confusing and sad.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: England
id 8410150

puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 4:18 PM on Thursday, July 25th, 2019

No contact is providing strange affects. She answers the door and looks like she has a bee in her mouth. She seems to be on her own emotional rollercoaster. With NC, I guess me being out of the triangle, she is left with the reality of being stuck with the fat, womanising, fuck. They don't have me to feed and bond over any more.

We are keeping it civil, though. I am still kind if called upon to be. i think that's important. to be minimal contact and display a neutral but kind manner. I am not going to forsake my values for these two shit heads. If I let emotion out, they will feed of it. I know for a fact that after every kid drop off/collection, they call each other to give live updates on "the state of me and the marriage."

no, fuck you. I am moving on with my life. You have chosen and checked out.

Letting go is what I am going through now. Grieving. Grieving the once magical dynamic I had with my beloved children. The bond now is different - that is heartbreaking. But I need to accept it has changed and be strong enough for it grow into something else - hopefully something better. Loss. So much loss.

But as others have said, time and NC is such a great medicine. What a weird situation we are in where the cure for the illness is being able to fall out of love with someone you loved the most.

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8410608

puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 4:23 PM on Thursday, July 25th, 2019

bookgirl, i know that fear.

i dread the day when the POSOM moves into my family home (i have moved out) and he will answer the door when I collect my kids.

I dread the day when my kids start to see him as another dad.

These two outcomes may happen. I just have to embrace that. To embody all possible outcomes. If I try to fight/deny these outcomes, i will never find peace.

Letting go is getting used to all outcomes, no matter how painful, for me anyway.

what a bunch of shit heads cheaters are.

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8410614

Chili ( member #35503) posted at 5:07 PM on Thursday, July 25th, 2019

How are we supposed to not continue to ask ourselves why weren't we enough?

....I have an amazingly kind heart and I'm her best friend...then WHY THE FUCK am I not good enough to stay with? Instead she has decided that she just can't let go of her AP and will tell me she doesn't know why but she just can't. That just tears me apart...SO I have all of that going for me and I am still not worth the fight..

STLLOST First - you are enough. For a genuine, decent, non-disordered person you are way more than enough. You are probably not enough for your wife - because no one will ever be enough to fill her jacked up and holey bucket. Don't confuse your pride with their messed up thinking.

Ok now - I'm going to ride on the coattails of Bookgirl here, but it's going to be a little more blunt. I've been following your story and I feel like this is the right forum because my assclown tried to keep us both (all?) if he could until I discovered the underground contact and kicked him right the hell off the fence. He just *couldn't* quit seeing his main AP either. And yep - he went a'running right to her. As AbandonedGuy said - these types can't be alone with themselves for 2 seconds.

The shit your wife is doing to you right now? Huge big enormous abuse. To keep seeing her AP with your full knowledge? Horrible ongoing abuse. She has no shame. No remorse. She gives no shits about your well-being. She *knows* exactly what she's doing (the line about doesn't know why? Horseshit.) She is choosing to have a buffet of women in her life. She gets some hole in her filled by the AP. And she gets other holes filled by you. Or you get to act as her *legitimate* life to make herself feel better about herself. And she just can't let go of the AP? Please. So far - she really hasn't had to, has she? She's been taking AP on an extended test drive at your expense. And at the expense of your family.

I know you're scared. I know you hope she'll come to her senses. I know you don't want to tear up your family. I know you don't want things to get ugly. And you probably hate the idea of somehow *failing* at this marriage. But this woman needs a huge kick out of unicorn land. I know it stings and you think that means she'll go be with AP forever. Well, that may very well be the case. So be it. Let her go be her problem on a day-to-day basis and clean up all her messes from now on. I know - I know - I was right where you are and it stinks. I'm quite certain I forced assclown to choose his AP because he had nowhere else to go in a hurry. Oh well. Regardless, their fantasy was over and real life moved on in with them. (As a matter of fact - it seems reality still resides with them today and the shitshow is absolutely astounding from my view in the nosebleed seats.)

But you've got to find a way to get out of this horrible pattern and blow up her fantasy. Show her what the real world consequences of her choices look like. You are stronger than you know. You want to model strength and grace and doing the right thing for your child. But you have to somehow let your wife know you are done tolerating this treatment of you.

I am really sorry if this sounds preachy. I swear I'm not standing here wagging my finger at you and judging. It's just I was in your place once and pulling up my boots and tightening the laces literally saved me.

My hangout is the D/S forum. I wrote something back in the day about detaching and I'll bump it for you. Some practices there really helped me find my footing and maybe there's some ideas you can use. Stay strong girl.

2012 pretty much sucked.
Things no longer suck.
Took off flying solo with the co-pilot chili dog.
"Life teaches you how to live it if you live long enough" - Tony Bennett

posts: 2235   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: Reality
id 8410642

HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 7:42 AM on Friday, July 26th, 2019

Anyone have any advice for how to get past the flashbacks? I feel like it's different for those of us whose spouses left. There's another layer to that betrayal that makes this a little harder for me to process.

I try to focus on other things, work, watch TV, hang out with my cats, listen to my favorite podcasts etc., but inevitably my mind drifts.

The crazy thing is, the flashback isn't even to the day I caught them in my bed together. It's the night after I initially caught them at the beach. He came home and fed me the story that she was his long lost daughter trying to find out if she is his kid. Knowing how dedicated he is to his own kids, I fell hook line and sinker for that one. Plus, it was so ridiculous, I figured it had to be true.

The main part of the flashback is this - laying in bed with him that night, cuddling each other, naked, while I consoled him over how hard it must be to find something like this out. He was "so upset that this had been kept from him." He asked me, "Do you want to know her name?" And I of course said yes, and he told it to me. I was so compassionate, lying there next to him consoling him as he went on about how he had missed out on her life, what a terrible father he is for not being there for her. I reassured him, no, you can't blame yourself for what you didn't know. You are a great dad, and you will do right by her if she ends up being yours. I reassured him!

The way he just couldn't wait to say her name to me, as if she was this important thing in her life, and the way I believed that the sound of adoration I heard in his voice was coming from a place of fatherly love. Sometimes if the flashback is particularly bad, I still have to run to the bathroom to dry heave

I think the main reason this is such a trigger for me is that laying in bed naked together had always been our thing. We would text each other that we couldn't wait for a "naked hug." Honestly some of the happiest times of my life were laying in bed with him giggling, him joking about being a cuddle monster (barf, I know, but I loved it). He was the only person who I ever let my guard completely down for, who I let hold me like that. Who I let just stare into my eyes without feeling the need to look away. Who would look at me and tell me that he didn't know how he got so lucky, and how I just had a certain glow when we were in bed together. Someone who just wanted to be completely wrapped up with me, legs and arms wrapped around in the perfect way where we just fit together. He would say that all the time, "see, we're a perfect fit." I felt so safe and loved in those moments.

And now I'm left to wonder if I will ever have that again. The fact that he could deceive me in such a calculated way, while I was in the most vulnerable state I could possibly be with him, in our happy place, has rocked me to my core. I know now that I will never trust anyone like that ever again - how could I? Physical touch has always been so important to me, and I'm worried that it is tainted now. Will I ever be able to be that vulnerable with anyone again? It took so much for me to get to that level of trust.

The thing I keep hearing about his A is, "well he showed you who he really is." The crazy man who looked like a cornered animal with eyes that looked simultaneously full of rage and also vacant? If that's who he really was all along, he did a damn good job of hiding it. And if that is the case, how will I ever trust any level of affection from anyone ever again? The idea of kissing someone, or letting someone hold me like that, now makes me nauseous.

DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 839   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8410933

puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 10:01 AM on Friday, July 26th, 2019

for triggers and flashbacks, i use my buddhist principles.

i invite them. i draw them into mind and let them sit there as long as possible. no pushing away. no fighting them. no trying to think my way out of them. just let them rest in consciousness and hold them there. and note how i feel whilst they are there. "whenever confronted with a ghost, walk right into it and it will disappear".

i like you am besieged by painful thoughts of betrayal and triggers (one particular awful one is seeing my wife looking at her ass in the mirror in her new sexy garments which she later admitted she bought for HIM - checking herself out in the mirror with ideas of pleasing HIM

- christ). but by allowing them to be there in my mind, my relationship to them alters. i find new perspectives. by fighting them away, i am telling my brain they are important. by drawing them to mind and holding them there in meditation (or when they occur), i am giving my brain the opposite message.

it's not easy, and they still cause pain. but i no longer dread my own mind. i no longer see negative emotion as something to avoid. instead i say to it "bring it, on, give it your best shot". the problem with anxiety and dread is that the more we want it gone, the worse it gets. by pushing these thoughts away or wanting them gone as soon as they enter, i never get new perspective.

see further: mindfullness or the teachings of the Buddha.

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8410954

puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 10:17 AM on Friday, July 26th, 2019

ah loneliness. walking the streets of London on my own, occasionally stopping for coffee. missing my kids far more now than i miss her, although i am seeing them at least 4 times a week. mourning the loss of the dynamic of being a father in the family unit. the bond is still there with them, but it is definitely different. i need to work on this. becoming the best dad in the world.

although we are part of this sad sub group, as others have said, it does have certain benefits - doubt and hopium cannot be strong when our partners are so flagrantly and unarguably hurting us in front of our own eyes. once they have jumped ship like they have done we are left alone. but that aloneness is the foundation i guess for either moving forward or collapsing. i feel i have it in me to move forward. yeah it's terrifying at times, but i have no option. isolating is my biggest worry at the moment, i find i am at peace sitting in cafe bars drinking coffee and vaping, but i have this feeling beneath it all that i should be being more healthy. i am exercising and eating well and sleep is getting better. i am also not thinking about it ALL the time. i have noticed a shift too in my thinking where at the start i was disgusted and rage filled with the idea of htem spending time together; now i am getting to the stage where i have got hte popcorn and deck chair and a part of me is enjoying watching it unfold. they have NOTHING in common, she 100% affaired down, he is a disgusting womanising, heavy drinking, chain smoking human being, and now she is stuck with him whilst I am starting to enjoy the single life

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8410965
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