Lavender0916, good for you. There is a lot of hard ahead with the path that you're taking and, seemingly, an unending, surprise-filled, and full load of hard ahead if you make-nice with him right now.
So much for R.
Then the gas lighting started. "Starting to wrap up(at work). If you think i am not at work I will check into a motel...Where do you think I am?"
Gaslighting and ass-covering. That turning the question back to you so he can discover what you know and do damage control is so very typical. They might as well ask directly, "How much do you know so that I can better formulate a countering response?"
And they think that they're being oh, so very clever with the 'subtle' questions.
Then he proceeded to tell me that I will keep suspecting, (duh), and he will never be able to convince me....OK, I found a second phone, you refuse to use a tracking app, you won't show me your official work schedule. Not accountable on your whereabouts? Stopped IC, sooooo what am I missing?
That first statement, that's probably an attempt to make his case seem un-winnable. The thing is, when taken with the rest of what you've found, his "case" is un-winnable because he isn't acting right. This is still all about him. Have you heard the plaintive, "But where will I go?" yet?
Here's what I really wanted to comment on, though:
What hurts more is H is choosing that nasty AP over us...his family and me.
No. While I understand your feelings and their source, since I've had the same feelings before, from my greater time to consider the matter the answer is, No. He is _not_ picking her over you. He is picking being broken over healthy. She does not matter, it could be anyone. If he were a healthy, well-adjusted man she could be nude and begging and he could excuse himself and walk away.
Further, the "he picked her" attitude is an extension of the "pick me" attitude. You know, with the dancing and begging and pleading and twisting yourself into odd shapes to try and "convince" him to stay. Lavender0916, we both know that that attitude is a crap one, right? He's already decided to go when he didn't decide to honor your vows. He just didn't tell you then and hasn't had the balls since.
Another part of that is - past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. And - he hasn't honored anything with you, instead he went out and found someone as broken as he is to have an A with. Think about that carefully. He is going to do to her exactly what he has done with you. That is who he is right now. CSA or not is immaterial with this particular point. CSA might have helped turn him into this but, right at this time, this is who he's _choosing_ to be.
That's a difference between the CSA folks and other, different reasons for having the A. A lot of times the really bad wiring we get when we were young causes us not to be able to discern what the world and people really are. We think that everyone's life is like ours. We think that everyone does what we do as a result of the same stimuli and training that we have. Always lie, remember?
The difference is - I had a rock-bottom moment. YouMeI had a different rock-bottom moment. Lots of people who suffered CSA have rock-bottom moments that include suicide. Lots don't, as well. So, the difference is - when presented with a chance to do better some of us chose to do better. Some haven't hit their own rock-bottom yet and flamed-out in whatever spectacular fashion is chosen. Some never do choose to change, instead continuing with hiding, avoiding intimacy, truth, honesty, trustworthiness, and all of that.
Again, this isn't about you or her, this is all about him. Still.
[This message edited by devotedman at 1:56 PM, November 19th, 2017 (Sunday)]