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silverhopes

Aut viam inveniam aut faciam.

It's been a long time

Hello there. It's been a while.

I'm not sure if anyone here remembers me. Hope you've all been well. Wanted to come by and give an update, plus I'm in need of some SI wisdom.

First, the harder update: Mr. Silver died. He was found in an alleyway, dead of an accidental fentanyl overdose. Despite having left him, I am devastated. And I am learning to go easier on myself for those feelings of devastation. I loved and married him, after all, so of course I would mourn who he was at his best. I don't want to go into the grief process right now. That feels private.

The SI wisdom that I'm hoping for is about detachment.

A few years ago, while I was still being abused by Mr. Silver, a community leader/mentor befriended me, and it was his kindness that helped me to escape from Mr. Silver. I began to work for the community leader, as his cohost, video editor, community coordinator, and several other tasks, and we became close friends during Covid. I really treasured his friendship, though I'm realizing in retrospect that there are several red flags. For one, anyone who has you swear a pact for honesty toward each other (and then breaks it), promises that you will have a lifelong friendship, and in general seems "too good to be true" (and now that I'm writing this out, I'm realizing this applies to romance as well as friendship, doesn't it?), is probably exhibiting a pattern that won't bode well for you.

He has a pattern of having favorites among the community participants. I know this from cues he exhibits plus he used to call me to talk excessively about his favorites after the classes and meetings. There's one favorite in particular who he began to treat exceptionally to the other participants, and then he made her a cohost with us, and then he promoted her, in a sense, ahead of me for something, while they both hid it from me for 4 months. He now ignores me and has become secretive about what they plan together, even though the three of us are supposed to work together on things, and he praises her and gives her special favors and attention while forgetting about me.

This screams toxic behavior to me. The terms "bread crumbing", Hoovering, blowing hot and cold, new shiny person syndrome, favoritism, white knighting, triangulation, and attention supply come into mind. Plus there's this icky feeling, almost like they're having an emotional affair (not sure if that makes sense - maybe because she's married? and because of how secretively they act?), and I've noticed he gets that way with certain people (always women) and not others. Maybe fixated is the right word.

I'm mad at myself for becoming so invested in our friendship. Mr. Silver had isolated me from everyone, so any kindness felt like a lifeline to me. I should never get attached to people like that; I've learned my lesson this time, I hope.

So my question is, can anyone offer me any strategies to detach? I do NOT want to re-engage in this weird toxic dynamic ever again. And to make matters worse, the entire community reveres him as exceptional, kind, genuine, etc. It honestly feels like a cult of personality.

Without a support system, it's harder to break free from toxic dynamics. So may I request if anyone has any advice?

15 comments posted: Friday, June 30th, 2023

Best way to find a long-term fwb?

Is this even a thing people do anymore? Find someone who you would want to engage in regular physical affection with, without seeing anyone else, but without being in a relationship? Physical touch can be therapeutic. I wouldn't want to be seeing anyone else, and would hope they would be on the same page, so that there would be fewer concerns about STDs and the like. Just us two helping take care of each other's physical needs.

I'm pretty sure this is the struggle we all go through when we're single: where do we meet people? Especially during a pandemic?

I saw someone for a couple of weeks recently. He treated me well. I had been clear that he was the only person I was seeing. He didn't tell me he was seeing other people - he just sprung it on me abruptly by saying that he was entering into an exclusive relationship that he didn't see coming. I was happy for him initially, then sad that this good thing that was only just beginning was already over, then concerned and not very happy that I needed to get tested for COVID because I didn't know he was seeing other people. Had I known, I wouldn't have kissed him. I'm told that it's important to expect that people will be seeing more than one person - seems like during a pandemic, this is the sort of thing it would be good to be explicit about. So I would need to ask directly from the start.

Am I being ridiculous in wanting to find an arrangement like this?

Right now, these are thoughts and considerations. I'm not going to act on it until I've thought about it better, so to be safe, it wouldn't be for a while even if I decide to. Thought I would share my thoughts here.

4 comments posted: Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

Question for the dudes

When you’re meeting someone for the first time, whether randomly in public or online on OLD, what are some questions you like to be asked about yourself? What’s the most interesting question a person can ask you? And how can a lady make it non-awkward for you both?

Sorry, one more question: do you think a lady is still worth talking to if she’s shy but still making an effort to engage?

4 comments posted: Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

Creepy folks souring my desire to date

Hi everyone,

Hope you’re all safe. It’s been more than a year since I left my ex. I’m getting a civil RO on top of the current criminal one so it will help make custody easier to sort, so I can properly get a divorce. Having trouble figuring out how to do that - I’m low income, and I don’t know what resources are around, especially now during Covid. He’s harassed me and keeps blaming me for his abuse.

Covid is lonely. This we know. I wasn’t planning on dating and haven’t done so at all. I had a couple of crushes that had me feeling like I would be up for it (one played and still plays head games, so I’m still getting over my interest in him; the other gently and cleanly rejected me, and fortunately we are still friends). Well, I’m not so interested in dating anymore.

Three guys have hit on me in the past week. One was a total stranger and trying to put his hands on me. The other two were elderly guys I see around the neighborhood - one I even thought was my friend (one of my son’s former preschool teachers - my son and his grandson are only a couple years apart!). The first guy stood over me and tried to crowd my personal space - even more uncomfortable with Covid rates rising! The other one, who I thought was my friend, said “walk in the new year?” and stupid me thought he meant was I going to walk more often in the new year. Instead he was trying to get me to agree to a date I didn’t know I was agreeing to. And that was after I’d told him about the other two guys who made me uncomfortable.

Well, I definitely don’t want to date now. In fact, I’m kind of back to being repulsed by people. At least it will make dealing with the remaining months of the pandemic easier!

Thank you for letting me vent.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 9:55 PM, December 24th (Thursday)]

65 comments posted: Thursday, December 24th, 2020

Learning

So... hi. It's been a while. Sorry for not being here for so long.

I left my ex in October. Haven't gone back - though it helps that he's been in jail since November. I haven't had contact with him for the last two months, no matter how much a certain family member tries to guilt me into it. The last conversation, I confirmed that he will definitely have his divorce.

Since I haven't filed yet, even though I've made clear that it's over, I wanted to know: what are good guidelines for interacting with people of the opposite gender? Mind you, in my M, ex pretty much said that so much as being polite to another man was leading him on, and accused me of infidelity even when I avoided other men like the plague.

I'm sure the advice will be not to sleep with people until I'm fully divorced. Are there exceptions to this? I miss physical touch. Would getting a massage be inappropriate?

I am not planning on dating for a very long time, if ever again. What I have been noticing, though, are feelings of attractions to other people. I emphasize, I do NOT act on these feelings. I notice them, feel guilty about having them, and then wind up learning from them. Specifically, I'm learning about my own wiring and what traits are healthy to be attracted to and what traits aren't. I'm learning what respect looks like.

When you're in a community and someone often pretends you don't speak, but then shares your ideas and gets credit for them, even in a community that encourages people to "steal like an artist"... that tells me that such a person is trying to make me invisible, otherwise they would credit me. The correct response isn't to try to prove myself to them or anyone else in that community - it's to stay the hell away from them so they won't suck out more of my soul.

Why do I feel the need to prove myself? I'm guessing feelings of inferiority. So I need to address those and learn to feel good about myself without external validation. I'm slowly getting there. I'm learning to be more comfortable with silences.

I just really, really, really miss physical touch.

10 comments posted: Wednesday, April 1st, 2020

Outliers: The Story of Success

Has anyone read Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell? I started it yesterday and am already halfway through. Quite a good read!

If you've read it, what was the most thought-provoking part of the book for you?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 10:29 AM, August 23rd (Thursday)]

1 comment posted: Thursday, August 23rd, 2018

5 Languages of Apology

Has anyone here read "The Five Languages of Apology" by Gary Chapman (author of "The 5 Love Languages") and Jennifer Thomas?

Was it helpful for you?

1 comment posted: Friday, July 13th, 2018

Any artists here?

If so, I would love to see your art! Be it drawing, painting, cooking, singing, dancing, weaving, poetry, etc, I would love to see what you love to create.

Please post!!

46 comments posted: Wednesday, April 4th, 2018

Avengers Infinity War predictions

Not sure if this is the right place for this or not... Delete if not, please.

Did anyone else hear that Infinity War is coming out early? Apparently it's being released on April 27th instead of May 4th!

Sooo... Predictions, anyone? Who is going to die in Infinity War?

12 comments posted: Monday, March 19th, 2018

Happy 12/13/14, Everyone!

…And Happy Birthday Lil Silver!

That is all!

14 comments posted: Saturday, December 13th, 2014

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