SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It doesn't matter which comes first; action may lead you to contemplation and contemplation may lead you to action. But finally, they need and feed each other.

Yes, and we are called to action. We as Christians are not called to blend in but to stand out. Mat 5:14 to 5:16 & this is how we stand out Mat 5:3 to 5:12.

i have been on this site since june 2015. i read alot but dont post much anyone. i have a question and statements and need advice. i have had adultery, oc, addiction, abuse on both sides, drugs, jail in my marriage. all on his part except abuse i hit him and spit on him. i cannot come to divorce him. people keep telling me what is God telling me to do. i dont think God is telling me to divorce. he is coming from jail soon and i told him i want him to live somewhere else and we can start over. he has boundary issues, so he asked me to delete his facebook account. i did not. i think he should do it.

i dont know why i cannot just let him go. God has very much healed me of the emotional turmoil but i have not made a decision about the divorce. advise and prayers needed.

wowme,

I will not presume to advise you on whether you should stay or leave your spouse. You are right in saying this though:

i dont think God is telling me to divorce

The bible doesn't to the best of my knowledge ever mention as to whether the betrayed should stay with the adulterer, nor does it mention the betrayed should leave. So where does that leave you? It leaves you to trusting in God that he will never leave you nor forsake you no matter what you decide to do in regards to divorce.

Excellent advice, Hihn!!

You'll be ok, Wowme, if you place your trust in God. Without Him, I honestly believe I'd be way more miserable than I am now. Either that or dead. Without God, I NEVER could have forgiven my H. And not too deep inside, I know I'm glad I did.

I know, however, that not everyone is called to R. Trust in God and you'll know what to do.

Sometimes I ponder what it would be like if I did have a physical manifestation of the Lord either through visual or auditory way. Like Abraham, Job, Moses, etc. did. Would it help to remove all doubt? Would I just think I have finally up & lost my mind. I am finally the crazy person my WH tried to convince myself & others of all those years,(the gaslighting A-holes). FYI, he doesn't do those things anymore. I admit (I realize some of you might think me crazy for what I am about to say) I have had some rare visions in my life. But they have never come in the form like Abraham's, Jacob's, etc. (like the bibles version). They are more like in a premonition form. For example a little over three years ago as I was driving home from work & all of a sudden I saw a scene of an extremely large snake slithering & weaving around the legs of three men. It was shocking to me, what did it mean, did it mean anything at all? Why did I see that? Was I losing my mind? I wonder now though, after learning that the last AP of WH's was sleeping with my WH, her soon to be ex-husband, & another woman's husband at the same time behind their backs, maybe the large snake was symbolic of the OW and the 3 pairs of mens legs were those three men. Who knows! Maybe I am just nuts!!

[This message edited by hihn at 11:55 AM, May 30th (Monday)]

Hello everyone, this is my first post here.

My story in a nutshell -- WH and I were together for 16 years. He left me in early June 2015 to go live with the OW. Our families loved both of us and we had many friends who loved us too. I was so thankful for our life together.

So when he left, the pain was unbearable. Somehow I still *functioned*, but that's ALL I was doing.

After a couple months I knew something had to change. I felt I needed God in my life, though I was hesitant to reach out because I had been away for many years.

Luckily for me He is a forgiving God -- He guided me to a wonderful little Bible-based church. In addition to an uplifting Sunday service we have weekly prayer meetings and Bible studies, and I am there for all of it. And loving it!

I have found a strength I never knew I had...a strength that could only have come from the Lord.

When I come home to my empty house I don't feel alone, because I know He is with me.

When WH left I had terrible insomnia. But now, after I say my nightly prayers, I fall asleep and stay asleep.

Just wanted to introduce myself and say I look forward to sharing on this special part of SI.

[This message edited by DeeplyCrushed at 5:41 AM, May 31st (Tuesday)]

Deeplycrushed,

Welcome to our little corner of SI. First of all, I am sorry to hear about the choices your WH made. But your testimony is so encouraging and worthy of a shout of praise to God.

What a difference a good church makes! That has been a turning point for me as well. I also love my new church and new church family (made stronger through our home group). The teaching is powerful and is always relevant.

I wish you continued happiness in your walk with the Lord and in all other areas of your life as a result.

needsfriendshere and hihn thank you for your support - the only thing that i can do is trust God - i surrendered all to Him and He delivered me from the emotional pain i was experiencing. i have a greater and renewed belief in marriage for my own, and for others to have the reconciliation that God gives and have a marriage that is better than before. One thing I keep reminding myself is that I can only control me. WH has to do his own work but Romans 8:28 we know God causes all things to work together for good to them that love him and are called according to his purpose.

Hi gang.

Just been battling "locally" here for a bit...visiting with a few real life men as I find myself up against another threshold of something.

I know I am because I have seen this pattern. I get restless, I feel anger and bitterness, I find thoughts moving towards the past. All signs I am close to a breakthrough.......

I KNOW THIS. EVEN IN MY HEART I know this.

But, yet, I still fight temptations.

Tempted to get bitter.

Tempted to covet what other men have.

Tempted to visit too much with other women.

Tempted to treat my false assumptions of what is going on with my wife as facts...and then choosing based on those. Which is what was a trademark of mine in my pre-A M and for about 1.5 years after DD 1. Its a throw-back to my CoD pattern of living, started in my FOO.

Look....I have uncovered pain I didn't even know I had deep within. I have experienced real healing and have faith and hope that I will continue to grow, heal and mature past anything I thought I could. I even have faith that I, with Gods assurance, will handle the next affair should my wife fail to fight off her temptations.

But....I just can't shake this uneasy feeling inside right now.

Thought I could....but the two posts that caught my attention on SI today had the topics of "Jaded" and "Intimacy" attached to them.

I soooo desire real intimacy.

I sooooo don't want to be that jaded guy.

I am not sure how to attain those goals.....so I will have faith.

A favorite author of mine said

"You can have knowledge, or you can have faith...but you can't have them both on the same thing."

I am up on another act of faith.....though I find myself.....doubting.

I leave for a business trip in a week. As it works out, I can stop on my way to see my old college roommate. This is a perk for me as he has been my one true friend through this whole trial...even over my older brother (he has a lot of the same dysfunctional programming I had, coming from the same FOO). This is good for me....but has created some tension in our home as my wife has issues with him. Feeling like he ran her down during the affair.

So this is a mixed blessing....but it is a blessing.

hmmmm.......painful trials a blessing?

It does appear that to be factually true in my case. Odd........or not?

Not a well thought out post but felt compelled to compose it.

Welcome Deeplycrushed....solid responses Hihn.

Keep the faith.

Just found this thread and wanted to get some support and encouragement. I am a Christian who gave my life to Christ 7 years ago my husband is not a Christian and living unequally yoked for the past 7 years has been a hug struggle. The short story is that he had a 16 month long PA I found out by innocently attempting to send photos to his sister through his email account which was already open and thAt was on April 5 2016. I am in IC with a Christian counselor which WH has made fun of me over and continues to do so. He went to counseling once after having a few coxktails which has been a long-standing problem for us (his drinking). He shows little to no remorse and has changed very little and refuses IC for himself insists he won't stop drinking doesn't believe in therapy and doesn't think he has anything to work on with respect to himself. We have two young daughters I've been posting on the just found out forum at times and the consensus is that he's not worth it and hasn't "gotten it" yet. I am just here to request prayers for us and for discernment about what u should do next. I feel so lost but in the same breath my faith is increasing through this and I am leaning so much into Jesus right now that at times I feel joy even in this painful darkenss. I would so appreciate prayers and encouragement I am struggling with whether just should even give this a chance or not. My husband is so far from a Godly man he's got anger issues and drinking issues and is so incredibly selfish and has done and said so many hurtful things since day I wonder if God is just strengthening me to move on or sustaining me while He works in my husband. We have two little girls who are my world and I am so worried about what this will do to them especially if we end up divorcing. My fears are huge but not as huge as my God. I am going through some of your stories and will be praying for you all

Just found this thread and wanted to get some support and encouragement. I am a Christian who gave my life to Christ 7 years ago my husband is not a Christian and living unequally yoked for the past 7 years has been a hug struggle. The short story is that he had a 16 month long PA I found out by innocently attempting to send photos to his sister through his email account which was already open and thAt was on April 5 2016. I am in IC with a Christian counselor which WH has made fun of me over and continues to do so. He went to counseling once after having a few coxktails which has been a long-standing problem for us (his drinking). He shows little to no remorse and has changed very little and refuses IC for himself insists he won't stop drinking doesn't believe in therapy and doesn't think he has anything to work on with respect to himself. We have two young daughters I've been posting on the just found out forum at times and the consensus is that he's not worth it and hasn't "gotten it" yet. I am just here to request prayers for us and for discernment about what u should do next. I feel so lost but in the same breath my faith is increasing through this and I am leaning so much into Jesus right now that at times I feel joy even in this painful darkenss. I would so appreciate prayers and encouragement I am struggling with whether just should even give this a chance or not. My husband is so far from a Godly man he's got anger issues and drinking issues and is so incredibly selfish and has done and said so many hurtful things since day I wonder if God is just strengthening me to move on or sustaining me while He works in my husband. We have two little girls who are my world and I am so worried about what this will do to them especially if we end up divorcing. My fears are huge but not as huge as my God. I am going through some of your stories and will be praying for you all

DM939,

I just said a prayer for you. And for your H. As many of our FWS's were, he is lost.

Keep your eyes focused on the Lord and He will guide you in terms of how to proceed with your H and your M. You have little ones that I know you are considering - not an easy place to be with a nonbeliever who is drinking his problems away and hurting you in the process. I am so sorry you find yourself in that situation. But your faith? It will take you far.

Blakesteele, you are struggling with the same things many of us struggle with - anger, bitterness, and letting our worst fears get the best of us, leading us to indeed make (sometimes) false assumptions that can drag us down. God has done a tremendous, visible work in you since Dday and, if you allow Him to, He will complete that work. As for your FWW, we can only pray that she, too, is yielding her life to Him as you are. It's what I need to remember to pray about my FWS as well. God has clearly begun a work in him. My prayer is that H will allow Him to complete it. It's all about free will and what we do with it, but the Holy Spirit is not beyond giving a person a gentle nudge now and then...

I need your prayers tonight please. My WH has OC from his 6 year LTA. He is very close to his five year old. We are in our late 60's and lost our only child to cancer in 2002. My heart is so heavy about the fact that my WH is a father again. We are trying to R, the affair is over but I cannot seem to get past the fact that he has OC. Please pray that God will show me the right way. I don't want to come between a father and an innocent child but I feel that my WH bought this child with my heart, by throwing me away. I cannot understand why God would bestow this blessing on him after betraying me in this awful way. I just need prayers to accept this and to decide where to go from here. I feel that all my core beliefs are being put to the test. Thank you. And God bless you all.

(((Stunned318)))

Prayers coming your way. My heart hurts for you. I pray God gives you that amazing peace that passes understanding.

Wowme.......I have used porn for 30 years. Invited it into my relationship with my wife in out dating years and continued to into our M. I ramped up its use after DD1. But the pain was too great.........thank God.

God didn't put this trial into my life, my wife's free will choose to invite it into my life. Just like my free will brought porn into my life and I invited it into my wife's by my choice. BUT Gid did allow it.

Thank God?!?! Yes.

We were both blind to the fact we needed to change. Our coping mechs (porn use was just one of many) did what they were designed to do.....numb pain and pretend pain doesn't exist within us.

We could override most pain in our lives.....until adultery entered it. My wife could even ride through adultery cause this was just an extension of how she bent reality and numbed pain.....more of the same, just a stronger dose.

Why this talk about pain?

Change occurs when the pain of same exceeds the pain of change.

Adultery finally (after 1.5 years post DD 1) had me to the point of being opened to change.

During that 1.5 years after DD 1 I'd is ask God;

Why did you let this affair happen?

Why do you let my wife trickle truth?

Why did I have another DD?

Why did I have yet another DD?

I get I'm a screw-up, but why'd 7 kids have to be hurt by this affair?

And a ton of other means to God as I tried to wiggle away from the real pain of reality.

Now I see more clearly (though I still thirst for clarity yet today). God loves me enough to allow trials in my life to help heal, grow and mature me.

Through actually PROCESSING pain I have learned much.

1. My wife's affair was NOT about me or OM....it showed where she had chosen to get to. Huge realization for a heavy CoD person.

2. Discovered sexual abuse as an 11 year old boy by both parents where I was first introduced to sex and porn. Not an excuse but with that realization my motivations are better understood. Plus now that I am aware of that wound it can and is healing. Profoundly amazed at how much this affected so many of my choices. Still in awe how I missed this for 30 years.

3. See now how I can and have grown as a parent. I'll still mess up as a Dad but I am getting better. Pre-A I had much pride.....and that was blocking my growth.

4. My eyes have been opened to the very really, very daily relationship I have through Jesus with God. I know have conversational prayer with him. I have not heard his voice directly, but there is no doubt he is present.

5. My eyes are opened to the very real fact I have an enemy....Satan and a 1/3 of the Angels that are dark. As I actively, with Gods help, fight off temptation and fix my eyes on the narrow path I have come to realize not all my thoughts are my own. Not everything that happens in this world is Gods will. That God desires an active relationship with each of us......he doesn't NEED our help, he desires our participation.

Look....I haven't felt truly desired since I was a young boy. I see how I was settling for so little in my pre-A life.....from my wife AND from myself. It feels good to be desired.

I still struggle.

I am searching for true intimacy.....have seen the truth under false-intimacies and intimacy-replaces and it's not pretty. I needed to see this painful truth in order to change.

5 years ago I didn't think I was perfect, but sure thought I had it all together.

Now I see more of my wounding and brokenness than ever before....but am finding more peace in reality than I ever found in fantasy.

Wowme.....I will end with this:

"When I see you broken beyond repair I see healing beyond belief"

Lyrics from a song that resonated with me yesterday as I visited with God.

I hope this helps.

You are stronger than you think, you are never as alone as you feel.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:07 PM, June 2nd (Thursday)]

blacksteele

i thank you for your transperancy. thank you for taking the time to give such a detailed response to me. this part really resonates with me

Change occurs when the pain of same exceeds the pain of change.

at first i thought of my husband when will he feel the pain that the external things or things of this world is not worth it. really though the change needs to come with me. you said God desires to have a relationship with us you said He allowed the trials in your life to help you. This is true for me too. but i spend so much time thinking of wh and how he can be helped but it is really me that needs the help.

i pray your continued recovery from porn addiction and for your family too.

deeplycrushed i know what you mean when you say you needed sleep. i could not sleep when wh was not there i would only sleep for a few hours. i could not think, i could as you say "function" God really delivered my soul and set me free. i am glad you have a good support and a good christian church family. welcome to SI

((Stunned318))

I don't want to come between a father and an innocent child but I feel that my WH bought this child with my heart, by throwing me away. I cannot understand why God would bestow this blessing on him after betraying me in this awful way. I just need prayers to accept this and to decide where to go from here. I feel that all my core beliefs are being put to the test.

And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose,

Rom 8:28 (NET)

[This message edited by hihn at 2:55 PM, June 3rd (Friday)]

Blakesteele

. My eyes are opened to the very real fact I have an enemy....Satan and a 1/3 of the Angels that are dark. As I actively, with Gods help, fight off temptation and fix my eyes on the narrow path I have come to realize not all my thoughts are my own. Not everything that happens in this world is Gods will. That God desires an active relationship with each of us......he doesn't NEED our help, he desires our participation

Yes to that, EXACTLY!

@blakesteele:

Change occurs when the pain of same exceeds the pain of change.[/quote]

@Blakesteele:

Your posts are so insightful I am often in tears after reading.

Thank you so much for being here. I know you don't have to be. You could opt out --- take the easy way, the less painful way, but you are allowing yourself to share through your pain and helping heal others. God is working through you.

I know you don't PM females and I understand. Could you share (perhaps through a female moderator) which program you went to in Colorado? Thank you.