SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

rosie, doesn't God reveal his response in different and wonderful ways? If you just got a feeling to continue along the path you were on perhaps you would continue to question but a real situation, so out of the ordinary or expected, provided insight. Wonderful.

Good Sunday morning all!

Rosie I loved your update and yes I believe God is ALWAYS with us ...but sometimes HE likes to prove it as well!

steady I am sorry to read about your injury and pray for your healing ...your description of your view from your office sounds like a piece of paradise...enjoy your paradise steady and feel the love of your friends family and neighbors as they come together for you and your cattle.

this is God at His best....

Peace everyone

I just read a thread in another forum that provided an instant message to me. It came into my mind immediately. It hadn't anything to do directly with the original post in the thread but was immediately in my mind and I was reciting the 23rd Psalm but not from the beginning. I started reciting from the 4th verse - Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: For Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me. 5: You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runneth over. 6: Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

This came upon me without thought out of no where. No where, really? It certainly came from somewhere and I just found myself in it and getting comfort and peace. I think it was about fear - my fear of the unknown, of coming face to face with WW's AP, fear of places, triggers, fear of an unhappy future and much more.

I don't explain this well and how it has affected me but I needed to share.

I want to start by saying I really appreciate this thread. I've been reading through it lately and many things have touched my heart.

I have struggled with my faith since I was a teen. I didn't come from a religious family at all and at one point around 18 or 19 I lost it completely turned away and didn't look back. I believed the lies of how ridiculous it was to believe in an imaginary intangible God. My BH actually brought me back, in fact our first few dates where on Sunday morning. One thing that my BH told me long ago that I still think about is that Satan doesn't care what religion you believe in or if you don't believe in anything, as long as you don't believe in the Trinity

Reading this line in particular spoke to me so thanks Virginia

If they struggled while personally witnessing all the miracles Jesus performed, it makes me feel slightly better that even seeing the miracles in my life that I struggle too.

I often think if I had witnessed the miracles how easy it would have been to have faith. And how could they not believe wholeheartedly!?. But I also have to remind myself that through my own prayer working with God to make changes in my life, He has helped me do some really hard things in the past. Things I couldn't have done on my own. So, if you don't mind say a little prayer for me, to strength my faith even more One thing I am praying for is to wear everyday the full armor of God. Which is truth, righteousness, peace, FAITH, salvation and the word of God, believing in His promises and NOT Satan's lies (he is the granddaddy of lies after all).

Before I stepped into my spiral of affairs, our family was actually the most spiritual it had ever been, praying as a family every morning before we went out into the world, my son was saved and we were going to church every Sunday. My BH and I were also fully aware of the attacks Satan was taking on us and that spiritual revival was dampening. And me being the weak one I suppose he knew he could get to me and I let it happen. You know, the temptations that appeal to my specific desires are not accidental and in fact they appeared at my weakest most vulnerable moments. In this book I am reading it says:

If I were the enemy, I'd tempt you toward certain sins, making you believe they are basically (even biologically) unavoidable. I'd study your tendencies and proclivities till I learned the precise conditions that make you the most likely to indulge them. And then I'd strike right there. Again and again. Wear you down. Because if I can't separate you from God forever, I can at least set you at odds with Him for the time being.

I mean right? Satan warps your perspective on the events in your life, my case, rewriting my marital history, until the reality appeared worse and more desperate than it truly was. If he can't make us feel judged he'll turn us into judges. This spiritual war is no joke to me and well, to those who believe. I can lose sight of that, because it is intangible, I can't see this battle but I do feel it and lose sight of who is behind the wreckage. And today, I went to my book to read on a little more, I am reminded of who already won. God opened the book to a page I already read and He reminded me through Christ, Satan has already been:

disarmed and embarrassed (Col. 2:15)

overruled (Eph. 1:20-22)

mastered (Phil. 2:29-11)

rendered powerless (Heb. 2:14)

all his hard work destroyed (1 John 3:8)

I'll end it here, I wanted to share my struggle because I am walking through this dark valley trying to regain my footing and to ask for prayers to help me along my way.

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 11:54 AM, June 26th (Sunday)]

Hi everyone, I am so grateful for all of you and this wonderful thread.

Something just happened that I would like to share.

This morning I went to my doctor for my yearly physical. The last time I saw her was a year ago, shortly after Mr DC left me for OW. I went to be tested for STD's, depressed and humiliated, and I remember laying there with tears pouring down my face. My doctor was so kind and compassionate.

Today she told me I look happy and peaceful and asked what I'm doing to heal (from Mr DC's betrayal). I told her several months ago I found a welcoming, Bible based church and found my way back to the Lord.

She smiled and said, "That's where MY peace comes from - meditation and reading my Bible. All peace comes from Him."

I don't know why her words touched me so deeply, but they sure did!

Such a blessing in an unexpected place

DC

Thank you for sharing how God is at work.

Steadychevy

I love the description of your cattle and the surrounding area with a cup of coffee.

Sometimes God just wants us to be still and rely on Him and His care for us.

Sounds like so many of you are in a real good place right now. Steady Chevy, I know what a difference a nice environment makes and am so happy for you!

Foreverlabeled, I will add you to my prayer list - you and your BH.

Deeplycrushed, I, too, have been told that I look happy lately. And, like you, I credit a lot of it to the wonderful church H and I are now attending. Through this church, I have finally made friends in my new home. I had been hiding myself under a proverbial rock for so long! And H and I? Often - quite often - we are happier than we've ever been.

Hopeful, it is always good to hear from you. You sound like you are in a positive place. Praise God!!

Brokenheartedwif, I think you are the very first person I ever prayed for on SI. I am hoping that you and your FWH are finding your way back to each other through "Him". Hugs!!

This was my daily read today...thought I would share....

Change as a Catalyst for Transformation

Thursday, June 30, 2016

The word change normally refers to new beginnings. But transformation, the mystery we're examining, more often happens not when something new begins but when something old falls apart. The pain of something old falling apart--chaos--invites the soul to listen at a deeper level. It invites and sometimes forces the soul to go to a new place because the old place is falling apart. Otherwise, most of us would never go to new places. The mystics use many words to describe this chaos: fire, darkness, death, emptiness, abandonment, trial, the Evil One. Whatever it is, it does not feel good and it does not feel like God. You will do anything to keep the old thing from falling apart. This is when you need patience, guidance, and the freedom to let go instead of tightening your controls and certitudes. Perhaps Jesus is describing this phenomenon when he says, "It is a narrow gate and a hard road that leads to life, and only a few find it" (Matthew 7:14). Not accidentally, he mentions this narrow road right after teaching the Golden Rule. Jesus knows how much letting go it takes to "treat others as you would like them to treat you" (7:12).

Transformation usually includes a disconcerting reorientation. Change can either help people to find a new meaning, or it can cause people to close down and turn bitter. The difference is determined by the quality of your inner life, what we call your "spirituality." Change of itself just happens; but spiritual transformation must become an actual process of letting go, living in the confusing dark space for a while, and allowing yourself to be spit up on a new and unexpected shore. You can see why Jonah in the belly of the whale is such an important symbol for many Jews and Christians.

In the moments of insecurity and crisis, "shoulds" and "oughts" don't really help; they just increase the shame, guilt, pressure, and likelihood of backsliding. It's the deep yeses that carry you through. Focusing on something you absolutely believe in, that you're committed to, will help you wait it out. Love wins over guilt any day. It is sad that we settle for the short-run effectiveness of shaming people instead of the long-term life benefits of grace-filled transformation. But we are a culture of progress and efficiency, impatient with gradual growth. God's way of restoring things interiorly is much more patient--and finally more effective. God lets Jonah run in the wrong direction, but finds a long, painful, circuitous path to get him back where he needs to be--and almost entirely in spite of himself! Looking in this rear-view mirror fills you with gratitude for God's work in your life.

Ok so I want to reach out to other Christians in similar situation.

We are separated and were headed to divorce. I had already started the filing process.

He seems to be getting it. He is truely reaching out for Gods guidance and forgiveness. He is offering his inner thoughts and struggles of his own accord( never was this something he ever did) He seems to be getting to the crux of his whys in therapy. Now I have not commited to reconciliation. I told him we will delay divorce for now and we will proceed as friends, and see what progresses. I have decided to do alot of prayer and be open to Gods plan. If he wants restoration he will show it. I am trying very hard to have no opinion and just trust God. My daughter assumes that I am a sucker and seems she will never trust her Dad. Its very important that we are able to restore that relationship. I told her she needs to figure out what Dad can do to earn her forgiveness and that she needs to be truthful about it with him. (They have very similar personalities both tend towards avoidance) I shared with her that forgiveness is a gift that God gives us, even when someone is not worthy. That I want to help her work through all her emotions, but to work towards forgiveness.

Tell me honestly do I need a 2X4 am I off base. Please help me in prayer that God will direct my steps and lead me to the future that he sees fit for the family, and me.

Thank you

Willowchef,

I just said a prayer for you (and your daughter). You are in a place many of us have found ourselves in, so no 2X4 here. You see your H doing the work he's needed to do and are beginning to feel maybe you can R after all. That's a good thing.

If you do choose R, your daughter will (or should) come around. Is that your concern? That she does not want him in your lives right now? It's sad how many lives are affected by our FWS's poor choices, isn't it?

Something that helped my DS2 to forgive his father was seeing him become a real man of God. We began to attend a very alive church and DS2 witnessed H being moved to tears several times, finally asking for DS2's forgiveness on Father's Day 2014. Their relationship is still not perfect (nor is mine and FWH's), but true healing is taking place. It takes time, Willowchef. Unfortunately, it seems that these things always take time. Your H has his issues to work through as do you and even your daughter. With God's help, though, lives can be transformed. My H is living proof of that. Asking for prayer? It was a step in the right direction. Keep us posted.

(((Willowchef)))

willowchef - How old is your daughter? I found the book How Can I forgive You? to be very helpful. Honestly, it's good in any scenario where forgiveness is needed. I read it initially when trying to figure out how to forgive my husband but I found it incredibly helpful in forgiving myself as well. There are examples of children forgiving parents in the book as well. If your daughter is older, late teens and above, she may find it helpful. Also, is she in IC? I think that might be a good place for her to work out her feelings about her father. My son recently shared some things with me. He knew more about the affairs than we thought. But the important thing that I learned is that he blamed himself. It broke my heart. I've learned through all this how unresolved childhood issues are incredibly damaging and helping them work through them now rather than when they're in marriages of their own is so important.

I feel like focusing on forgiveness and God might be counterproductive right now depending on where your daughter is. My son is really having trouble even believing in God right now so focusing on how God wants us to forgive would either fall on deaf ears or make him even more angry. Which is why I think How Can I forgive you? is a good place to start. Instead of focusing on the religious aspect of forgiveness, focus on the personal. We need to forgive not for the other person but for ourselves.

I've really realized lately that as much as I want my husband and children to have a relationship with God, I can't force it and it's not my job. As a priest told me, God wants a relationship with them more than I ever could so it's not my job to try to force it or get frustrated about it, God will find a way just like He did in my life. My job is to live my life by example, encourage, and pray for them. I'm not sure where your daughter is spiritually, but I feel like at the beginning, forgiveness understood from a perspective of, why does it benefit me? is a better place to start than, God wants me to do it, so I have to.

I regularly pray for everyone on this site, infidelity is so destructive and far reaching. Prayers for you and your daughter (and husband!) as you navigate through this.

I found the book How Can I forgive You? (the courage to forgive, the power not to) to be very helpful

YES!!!!

A great read I wished I had read early in life.

Janis Spring opened my eyes to the different forms of forgiveness. CoD forgiveness is very shallow and not effective...but I fancied myself oh so evolved and mature. I see NOW I offered the cheap, surface level forgiveness more as an attempt to deny\ignore the pain then to really heal. And forgiveness is necessary for healing.

See....If I forgave quickly and without any thought, I could avoid actually fully admitting I was ever wounded.

Jesus never denied the truth.....always called out the wound\sin, but then he draped it with tons of grace and mercy.

Spiritual battle as it really looks in my world....all took place in my mind. I use " " to delineate the thoughts in my mind and no quotes represent the counter thoughts I fought back with.

I will list the emotions the enemy uses to tempt us to sin\choose destructively.

BATTLE STARTS

Real world fact....discovered wife downloaded SnapChat. Triggered hard. Here is the battle, and it was not between me and my wife.

FEAR

"See? She's f'ing you again. You just came back from a week away at a conference and she is up to no good. You're about to get bad hurt again."

No...I don't know that. This sucks that she did this, but it is a false assumption that she is up to no good. Certainly a mistake was made and her choice hurt me...I will invite her in to this experience BEFORE I make life altering choices.

DOUBT

"Why? She'll just get defensive, accuse you of NEVER going to trust her again. She'll say you are judging and condemning her. You really want THAT added to this mess? She'll leave you."

She may get defensive....and that will be HER choice. That will certainly point me closer to a fact that something is bad wrong but that has not yet happened. I'll need courage, God, to do this right.

GUILT

"You do it right? Haven't you seen by now you can't help but hurt your wife?!? You are so f'ed up you'll never be able to love a woman correctly. Every time you engage your wife she turns further away....and I would too."

I've made some mistakes.....but I finally see that. I also understand that trying to be perfect, having back up plans for when the back up plans fail way of doing life has not served me well....goes against Gods will....and demonstrates areas my faith needs to grow. I see that was fear-based living......and I'm not doing that anymore. I'll still make mistakes but I will tap into the Spirit of God and choose in power, love and self-discipline.

PRIDE and LUST

"Yeah...you are a good man. (said sincerely) That cute waitress at the cafe would sooo appreciate what you would bring into her life. You should go have lunch there tomorrow."

K......I'm married and I love my wife. Thats not an option. In fact, I think now is a good time to visit with my wife.

AT THIS POINT I CALL MY WIFE.....the exchange doesn't go really well and credit that to the enemy working in her life. I was resisting him so it he moved to attack the other part of my M....my wife. Remember, he is dedicated on stealing and destroying JOY. That includes our hearts and he very much hates the family...and all the power and good that starts from within it.

That night I had a restless sleep.....again, a ploy of the enemy to wear me down. We were designed to rest...its part of how God made us. To miss it is to go against the way things work. The enemy knows this......

I was awakened by my wife early in the morning in a way any husband would like to be stirred. smile.

.....painful mind movies attempt to roll through my mind. Now I don't know if that is the enemy or if it is just a real-world result of what actually happened...... I was not able to get to completion.

GUILT and SHAME and DOUBT

.....sarcasm...."WEll done, dip-shit. You just hurt your wife again. REALLY think you are healing and changing? Then why did you just hurt your wife in the same way AGAIN!?"

Man....I'm sorry I hurt her as I did. I really wanted to just enjoy being intimate with my wife, to show her how attractive I find her. I was not fully able to do that. sigh (this is where I slipped a little....gave the enemy some ground.)

"Thats because you are the SAME. There ain't nothing "made new" about you or your deceitful heart. What do you know about real love, real intimacy anyway? You've been messed up since boyhood. You'll never be a man."

Well....thats a lie. Thanks for showing yourself to me! (then I did a roll-call on all the very real very noticed-by-others changes in me....then I invited God to come between me and satan in a very direct way. I also fully admitted how immature parts of me were and how God is helping Father me in ways I had never been, guiding me into the man he sees\had put in me)

I've seen my core shifts....I enjoy how my relationship with a few good men has deepened and as it has I have found new to me choices and courage to make those choices.

SHAME

"So you aren't using porn anymore. Good for you. (sarcastically said) The real reason you didn't orgasm with your wife is......you're GAY!"

Really? We must be getting close to the end of this scrimmage as you are chucking some really "hail mary" stuff at me now. I guess we are done here, aren't we?

The enemy left.

The bible tells us we are in a battle, that we have an enemy fighting for the same thing God desires.....our hearts.

Guarding our hearts does not mean NOT using them.....it means to use them wisely.

This trial has given all of us wisdom.....which is why God allowed it into our lives. Don't pass on this opportunity to fight the good fight...and that starts with the very honest realization that we are, like the bible says, very much under attack.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:50 AM, July 1st (Friday)]

my daughter just turned 14 and is in therapy. Actually we all see the same therapist, our churches staff counselor. He was our marriage therapist, sees my husband in IC and daughter in IC(she is also seeing him for her gender identity issues) He is wonderful and counsels from a spiritual and grace abounding point of view.

My husband and I started MC a 19 months ago and had gotten to what seemed like a good reconciliation. Then he went prodigal again, coming on to a fellow church member, then the neighbor and when none of that resulted in success he went online. When God showed me what was going on, I asked him to move out(as suggested by our counselor) Husband has had weekly IC since then.

However with DD she knew about his LTA definitively a few months before I found enough evidence for him not to wriggle out of..she was only 12 then, she had noticed him texting her several times. She didnt tell me because she didnt want to hurt Daddy, and felt very bad for it. I told her that was never her job..I discovered she knew after Dday, when I asked her to pray for us, and she said you mean pray for Daddy.

When I told him that she knew, that shook him out of the fog fairly quick. He looked sick for a couple of days. He talked to her and told her that he had made a big mistake and that he would never do it again.

Then when It happened again and he told her he messed up again and would fix it, she feels betrayed and lied to as well. She always assumes he is up to no good, and believes nothing from him. She really does not want him here. She wants me to divorce him. It makes me sad because they were so close once. My Son and I tend to be optimist and more trusting and forgiving.

No matter what happens in marriage I just want her to have a relationship with her Daddy again.

It is in my prayers

I will read the book suggestion for guidance.

I know that we shouldnt trust a serial cheater, but at the same time when God works in peoples lives its amazing what can occur.

I know this first hand because I was a heroin addict 15 years ago. Quit when I got pregnant went back to the Church...husband was babtised about 2 years later. Satan found his way back in through porn and anger...once in he made a pretty large structure in his heart. However he has a humility and peace that I have never seen in him.

Thank you for all your prayers, and suggestions. Great thread

See....If I forgave quickly and without any thought, I could avoid actually fully admitting I was ever wounded.

I did this too, I put one foot infront of the other and did what I thought was right to save us, and the kids. I thought I could carry us through with my strength. I recently decided I was Codependant. Always being strong, never being honest about what I needed.

thank you

Blakesteel

Thank you for sharing the battle you had in your head. The most dangerous neighborhood in the world is isolated in our own head where Satan can work to lie, kill, and destroy us and relationships.

We are defiantly in a spiritual battle. My Pastor has preached his last 3 sermons on this warfare and how when we agree with God's plans in the spiritual realm, God provides victories that don't make sense in the natural (Earthly) realm. Many examples in the bible. Jericho, Israel being set free from Egypt, Israel winning the battle as long as Moses arms were raised, Elisha and the Assyrians, Gideon, etc.

A spirit of fear isn't in agreement with the Spirit of God. The moment you set yourself in agreement with God, the battle is won in the Spirit. Even though you don't know when or where or how. It's won in God's Spirit. By agreeing in the Spirit with God, we close the distance between heaven and earth.

I would like to share todays daily reading on "death and resurrection"

Dying into Life

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Most of us probably grew up thinking that the Resurrection was a one-time miracle about Jesus, an anomaly that proved he was God. I believe that Jesus is actually naming and revealing what is happening everywhere and all the time in God. Jesus' resurrection is a statement about how reality works: always moving toward resurrection. As the Catholic funeral preface says, "Life is not ended but merely changed." This is the divine mystery of transformation, which is entirely evident in the physical universe. This is why I believe in the physical resurrection of Jesus, even if it is a new kind of physicality, which Paul struggles to describe (1 Corinthians 15:35ff).

Resurrection is not a miracle as much as it is an enduring relationship. The best way to speak about the Resurrection is not to say, "Jesus rose from the dead"--as if it was a self-generated miracle--but to say, "Jesus was raised from the dead" (as many early texts state). The Eternal Christ is thus revealed as the map, the blueprint, the promise, the pledge, the guarantee of what is happening everywhere, all summed up in one person so we can see it in personified form.

If you can understand Jesus as the human archetype, a stand-in for everybody and everything, you will get much closer to the Gospel message. I think this is exactly why Jesus usually called himself "The Son of Man." His resurrection is not so much a miracle that we can argue about, believe, or disbelieve, but an invitation to look deeper at what is always happening in the life process itself. Jesus, or any member of "the Body of Christ," cannot really die because we are participating in something eternal--the Cosmic Christ that came forth from God.

Death is not just physical dying, but going to the full depth of things, hitting the bottom, beyond where you are in control. And in that sense, we all probably go through many deaths in our lifetime. These deaths to the small self are tipping points, opportunities to choose transformation. Unfortunately, the vast majority of people turn bitter and look for someone to blame. So their death is indeed death for them, because they close down to growth and new life.

But if you do choose to walk through the depths--even the depths of your own sin and mistakes--you will come out the other side, knowing you've been taken there by a Source larger than yourself. Surely this is what it means to be saved. Being saved doesn't mean that you are any better than anyone else. It means you've allowed and accepted the mystery of transformation, which is always pure gift.

If we are to speak of miracles, the most miraculous thing of all is that God uses the very thing that would normally destroy you--the tragic, the sorrowful, the painful, the unjust--to transform and enlighten you. Now you are indestructible and there are no absolute dead ends. This is what we mean when we say we are "saved by the death and resurrection of Jesus." This is not a cosmic transaction, but a human transformation to a much higher level of love and consciousness. You have been plucked from the flames of any would-be death to the soul, and you have become a very different kind of human being in this world. Jesus is indeed saving the world.

Peace everyone...

Hopeful77,

Your daily devotional goes hand in hand with what I've been learning in a Bible study I attend. We can take the pain that has been inflicted on us by others and grow angry and bitter or we can let it transform us into - among other things - people who can help others who are in similar situations. In other words, we can grow, Spiritually, through our pain by turning it over to God in prayer and letting go of it. Completely letting go is the key.

But it took me 2 years to be able to even start to do that. So deep were the hurts H and OW inflicted. I pain shopped pretty regularly, thus keeping the wound open and feeding the bitterness inside me. I pray for the strength to really let it go and to stop the pain shopping - the urge to do so hits me sometimes almost like an addiction.

I just had an awesome weekend with FWH. I mean, we had fun, enjoyed beautiful fireworks with our neighbor's, and had a lot of lovely quality time together. I know H loves me. I know he is extremely remorseful for what he did during those 6 years. And I believe he will never do anything like that again. So why? Why do I still cling to the scraps of his past indiscretions like they're some kind of hidden treasure? Like if I let go, I will lose something valuable and important? Am I alone in this? Just wondering...

Good to read the joy folks have found in their PRESENT life.

Proof-positive that if you can keep satan from reminding you of your past or worrying about your future you CAN find the joy God has for us each day.

Well done, good and faithful servants!