SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have read most of this in the last two years after the first DD. WH now accepts his EA was an EA and was always wrong. Has anyone read this with their WS and was it helpful? Specifically in relation to an EA?

I just read this book. I got something out if it even though my situation did not involve an EA (it was pretty much just sex). I think it what she had to say about EAs, how they start, where the tipping point was, how to avoid in the future, was pretty good.

Maybe others have read it with the WS and can weigh in on how that went.

My H isn't a reader. I read the book and highlighted passages. I then carried the book everywhere we went, and often in the car I would pull it out and *share* the important passage of the day He was a caged animal!

Seriously, it opened up great dialogue and that book was instrumental in his understanding of an EA (and admitting that his was a 3yr EA that culminated in a PA)

If your H is willing, it would be a great read for him.

My husband read it and it was useful for him. He said it feels rather... lame? in a sense to find everything he did/said was so stereotypical.

His EA was different than Glass describes in that he went into it intentionally, there was no slippery slope except slippery sloping to sex. And even that was more like cliff jumping.

It has been useful for us to talk about marital issues and other issues as well though.

My WSO had 2 EA's and we read this book together. It was the best thing we could have done together, and it took us 3 months to get thru the entire book. We would read and comment on almost every page, we would ask each other questions such as "does that resonate with you?"

I learned a lot about his thought processes, and he learned a lot about how I felt when he had his EAs. It truly helped us understand each other better and gave us some really good ideas on how to handle certain situations.

ETA: Some days, we only got thru a sentence or two, because of all the dialogue it opened up for us, and some days we could get thru several pages at once. We also skipped a few days here and there and just took it at a pace that was comfortable for the both of us.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:16 AM, October 13th (Monday)]

I've read alot of this and found it very helpful. Have asked WH to read but he hasn't started yet. Having read the above comments, I think reading it together and discussing bit by bit will be theraputic.

I read it, and it gave me an 'ah ha' moment.

I think it's valueable.

I started the book, but haven't finished it yet. I've read far enough that all I see are things I should have known/ done to avoid an affair. For those who have finished it, did you find any healing benefit? Frankly, I put it down because it just made me feel like shit. (I did buy a digital copy so that I can finish reading it I originally checked it out from the library.)

I read this book a year ago when I first suspected inappropriate friendships in WHs life. He denied of course but now he had to finally admit because of course, when you're the BS you just have that gut feeling that something isn't right. So with more snooping I found indisputable proof in his computer and phone. They weren't just friends, there was a PA. Anyway now that he can't deny it he does want to make things right and I've suggested reading this book as well as another one I read called surviving infidelity. He has promised me he will read them both. For now he seems 100% committed to do whatever necessary but it's so hard when this happens to you I'm just so skeptical. Anyway for me this book was very helpful. We want to work and maintain our family. I'm hopefully optimistic but I'm guarded. Once you're hurt like this it's so hard to be confident it won't happen again.

As soon as I told my WH it was a less than hour read, he read it.

And he's still going back and re-reading.

Neznayou...the idea behind reading this for me wasn't to make my WS feel awful. I NEEDED him to understand how he got where he did and what steps to take to make sure it never happened again. Since I was open to reconciliation with him, this was one of my deal breakers, because I needed to find a way to feel safe in my relationship again.

I wanted to read it together, because I wanted open discussion between us. I wanted to know what was going on in his brain when he read this stuff, and if he had any aha moments. He had a ton of them. It was a hard read for him also, and at one point, he actually got so remorseful there were tears. I needed that. I needed to know he truly deeply "got it" and felt bad enough that he would make sure it would never happen again. I also did not use the book to beat his mistakes over his head....I worked hard to be patient and calm and when I had to ask questions, I tried not to "attack" with them but to phrase them calmly and in a way that he understood these were questions I needed answered in order for us to be a couple again.

Naiveagain, I see lots of posts in which a BS has asked the WS to read this book (or any of a few other popular titles). My BS did not ask me to read it I picked it up because so many people have mentioned, suggested, and praised it. I really do think it's a great wedding gift. (That's pretty jaded of me.) Again, I've only read about half of it, but it seems like once the infidelity had been committed, how to avoid infidelity seems like wasted breath. I see how easy it woulda/ coulda/ shoulda been to lean toward my husband instead of away from him. I can certainly avoid going down that path in the future, but saying I only had one affair is not the same as saying I had no affairs. It's like I saw posted on facebook, the only way to affair-proof your marriage is to not get married. I tend to over commit when it comes to reading. I have started several which I need to go back and finish. I have a business trip coming up and I plan to take my healing efforts with me.

I read it even though EA was not the issue but I learned a lot from it. It should be reading material for any married couple. It is easy to see how it can happen. If your WH had an EA it should be required reading for him.

I found this book hugely helpful. It provided me insights, and helped me to have compassion and glimpses of understanding for my wayward spouse, and even the OW.

I believe the book is great, as long as the wayward is OUT of the "fog". However, I gave the book to my wayward (now ex) H. He and his affair partner (now his wife) read it together, and told me that the book was BS. (sigh).

I thought I'd chime in to this thread, because I believe "Not Just Friends" was a pivotal turning point toward R in my marriage. For me, reading that book reinforced in my mind that I was not crazy or unreasonable! But it was my H reading it that really made the difference in our M.

Until my H read that book, he really did not get it - he felt very guilty about how his actions made me feel, but in his head, because there was no PA he had not REALLY done anything wrong or broken any "rules", and he refused to admit that there was any possibility his actions could have led to a PA. "Not Just Friends" completely turned his thinking around on all of this. He was able to see the situation from my point of view, was able to see all the ways his EAs were harmful to our marriage, and we were finally able to start coming to agreement about appropriate boundaries and behavior.

My H is not a big reader, but I got the book for him on audio and he listened to it in the car and at work when he was able to. He ended up listening to it multiple times (without me asking him to), and then we went over sections of it together in my paper copy and had some great discussions.

I cannot recommend this book strongly enough, if your WS is serious about committing to R.

I think it is a really good resource. For years I had been 'warning' my wife she was on a slippery slope. She countered that she always came home to me, and that she should be allowed to have male friends and I was being unreasonably insecure and controlling. I listened to her and she had many EA's and ultimately a PA (possibly several).

After I learned of a PA, I bought the book. I asked her to read it. She did not. I asked her to at least read the part about how an affair affects the BS so she would at least understand why I was behaving the way I did. Again she refused to even crack it open. Thus, ww became wXw.

I think the book is really essential reading materials for all long term couples. I plan on purchasing copies for my sons when they're ready to cross that bridge into marriage. They need to understand how their behavior and actions can lead them to the slippery slope, and they need to know what to look for in their partners behaviors.

Edited to correct typo. "Behaving the way I was" NOT "Shaving the way I was". The infidelity did have a profound affect on me, but it did not affect my facial or body hair.

[This message edited by KeepOnMovin at 9:30 AM, February 14th (Saturday)]

I'm the WW, and I just downloaded the Kindle edition of this book, based on suggestions I saw on this site. I let my BH know, so that he can read it, too. I'm hoping it opens up some good dialogue for us, and can help us with our R, and his healing process.

I am about to read it for the second time as my IC is asking me to write down my boundaries and deal breakers. I'm hoping that the book will give me help to do that. One thing that I didn't count on when my WH read it was now he is worrying about what might happen to me in my workplace! Really!!! Now he is projecting what he did and is voicing his fear that my work interactions may cross the line. Not me, but men with inappropriate boundaries coming on to me! He has said that he trusts me but he is worried about the men he can't control. There has to be a silver lining in this but at the moment I can't find it. Im thinking he's deflecting.....And I would say that at least 4 out of 5 of his inappropriate EA's started with women that he was in contact with thru a work related interaction. Quite the the guy, he could reel them in thru phone calls and e mails about job oppounities. To this day I am very happy that his work projects don't include many interactions with women.

I have found that what works absolutely the best (especially for my FWH) is to buy the audio book(s) onlne and then we listen to them on my tablet together when we are in the car together running errands or when we are home alone and we usually only do 1 chapter at a time so that we can discuss it during and afterwards and we are specifically listening to "Not Just Friends" and it is excellent. You can buy the books online on Amazon and then go to Audible.com

I tried reading to him but I would get so exasperated with him because I would have to explain things to him constantly but with the audio books it is wonderful and very helpful to have an unbiased person reading aloud to both of us. We are both getting so much more out of listening to the book versus actually just reading the book.

As for him reading on his own....well in the words of Tony Soprano "fuhgeddaboudit" LOL!

It was very helpful for my wife and me (WH), both in understanding my own behavior (including understanding that EA's exist and the A in EA is real) and in finding ways to protect our marriage going forward. From one WS to any other -- highly recommended. Read it.

[This message edited by ResoluteH at 10:50 PM, March 1st (Sunday)]