SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, I told our adult sons about their Dad’s 21 year affair/relationship on Thursday.
Without doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

They have both said that they’ve only ever seen an amazing man and Father and never seen any issues between us (my H says that’s because there weren’t any) so this is a massive shock to them.

My eldest son is obviously massively hurt and upset. He wanted to speak to his Dad and told him that he still loves him but he’s incredibly disappointed in what he’s done and the trust has gone. But he said that he won’t abandon him, as he’s still his Dad. He wants us to remain civil whatever path we take after this.

My youngest son is again massively hurt and upset but he’s angry as well. Again, tells me that he still loves him but he hasn’t been able to talk to his Dad yet. He’s feeling more angry about it.

I’ve always put my sons first (I was a SAHM for years) so we’re very close. They know I’m here for them and we are talking all the time. It devastates me to see them so shocked, let down and upset.

They’ve both told the people closest to them. And they have other people that I’ve told who they can reach out to.

Anyone with any advice for dealing with adult kids when they find out please? It’s obviously completely different than if they were much younger.
And, because this OW has been in my H’s life since my sons were under 3, they’re feeling it extra due to the length of time.

Thanks in advance.

As adults it is their relationship with their father that they have to fix or redevelop or abandon or change.

You just have to be sure that you are not standing in the way of whatever relationship they choose to have (which I’m sure you will not).

It may take some time before things return to normal or start to feel better, for both them and you.

Encourage them to talk about it — with a trusted friend or relative or professional (or even you). Be prepared to listen but not give advice unless asked to.

I hope they can accept their dad, even with this new information

Thanks The1stWife, I am most definitely encouraging and supporting them to try and keep a relationship with their Dad. Despite what he’s done, I don’t want to see him lose his sons (even if he deserves to),

My eldest son is talking to his Dad. Has expressed his disgust and disappointment with him and has been upset. Wants to know why he’s done this but has told him that he still loves him. So I think, in time, they can rebuild. Even though it’ll never be the same I think they’ll be ok.

My youngest son is taking it much harder. He’s been very angry one minute to completely distraught the next. He has spoken to his Dad a little to tell him how he feels but he’s really struggling with this. I keep telling him that it’s incredibly early and that he’s had a massive shock and trauma. Just keep encouraging him to talk and to give this some time.

It’s absolutely heartbreaking to see. Some days I’ve regretted telling them but they’re both in their 20’s so it was becoming more and more difficult to play happy families in front of them.

You needed to tell them. Otherwise they would blame you for the D.

They were owed the truth. If they uncovered the truth from someone other than you, they would be upset that you deceived them as well.

I am certain that things will improve over time. The initial shock is overwhelming but once they can accept the truth, I hope they can repair their relationship with their father.

So sore this has destroyed them. Another thing the cheater just doesn’t get.

So sorry you and your boys are going through this. Since we are working hard on R and it seems to be going in the right direction we are not telling our adult sons anything at this point. But if things deteriorate and R starts to look unlikely I will be in your shoes. It sounds like you did the right thing for your situation and I know it must be doubly hard trying to support your sons during this when you are struggling to get your own mind around it. All I can do is offer my support and hope you can all heal from this nightmare. We all have your back, whenever you need to unload. I love how we are all here for each other.

Thanks AlteredReality, things are still very up and down. My sons are speaking to their Dad but it’s only about every day things. They haven’t wanted to speak about the affair. Which is fine but I do worry they are bottling things up.
All I can do is keep reminding them that I’m here for them and that we’ll get through this together

NumbandBroken—haven’t seen any posts from you in a few days—just checking in to see how you’re doing. Hoping we can PM soon as it seems like we are on similar paths. Take care and stay strong.

Hi AlteredReality, thank you so much for checking in. So kind of you.
Things are ok. My sons are still much the same, although things are a little calmer.
My eldest son is talking to his Dad, said he’s his Dad and he’ll always love him. But he’s so disappointed with what he’s done and that the trust has gone. But I know they can rebuild their relationship but it won’t be as strong as it was.
My youngest son is looking at it much more deeply. He’s angry and feeling incredibly let down by his Dad. He passes time of day with him but it’s very strained. Again, I know they can rebuild their relationship but I don’t think it’ll be the same as my other son.
It’s incredibly sad to see it but it’s all on my H. And he knows it.
How are things with you?

I’m hanging in there. We started our time apart this weekend so it’s been much quieter without him here. We were so "on top of each other"—physically being in the same house all the time and emotionally feeding off each other’s current moods—we both believe this is the right thing to do for the next few weeks. I’m continuing my IC, scheduled a massage, doing my volunteer work at the animal shelter, doing some projects I have put off, getting out for walks or to the gym for exercise, and just working on my own headspace without worrying about his for a change. I set ground rules of only one text per day just to make sure we are alive, and he wants to meet up on weekends for a "date" and to see how things are going. We took a break from MC this weekend but are restarting next week. When we have thoughts we want to share, either silly or serious ones, we are writing them in journal notes in our phones and will share them with each other on the weekend. So far so good—I’ll let you know how the weekend goes. I’m hoping he misses the hell out of me and finally understands what is at stake here. It’s his loss if he doesn’t, right? I’m working on being ok either way. Honestly what were these guys thinking, anyway? Nobody would get hurt if we didn’t find out???? In what universe does that ever happen? Ugh. I can’t imagine how I can forgive him for this betrayal but I am working on it. Trust is a whole other issue. Hopefully we will come out of this with a rebuilt and improved relationship. Take care.

Ugh. Such a hard thing for your boys and you. They're adults, but their dad is still someone I imagine they look up to, and it's jarring to discover in this way that your parent is flawed.

My 18- and 21-year old uncovered my husband's second affair three weeks ago, so our situation was different in that no one had to tell them. Their discovering this was pretty traumatic, as was the fact that my husband denied and lied to their faces when they confronted him with hard evidence. Having seen what that path looks like, I fully support your decision to tell your kids.

And it's promising that both of your sons are talking to their father, even if the conversations aren't about the affair. Mine have yet to speak to their father (they are both at out of state colleges so it has been easy for them to maintain no contact, which has been their choice). In both situations, however, our kids have been betrayed, just as we have. And there is a grieving process, an enormous sense of loss, and the emotions that come with wondering if your childhood, your family, and everything as you've known it has been a lie. It'll take a long time for our kids to heal.

It's great that they each have a close circle of people they have felt comfortable telling and that they can rely on for support. Even so, if your sons are open to IC, I'd suggest that to them. As much as you're trying to be supportive of them and allow them to find their own way with their dad - without influencing them or pressuring them in a certain direction - it would be challenging for anyone to be totally neutral and unbiased in this situation. And, you're already using up so much of your own emotional energy to care for yourself, that it may not always be possible for you to give what you'd like to your sons. So if IC is an option, that would be a way for them to have additional support and perspective. Of course you want to be there for them, and you are, but no mom can carry the entire load in this circumstance, no matter how much she might want to. So just something to consider.

Wishing you weren't in this situation, and it sounds like you have been amazingly strong and thoughtful. Your sons see that and will remember how you carried yourself together, so be proud of how you're showing up for them at a time when their father has shown himself to be so much less.