If you guys don’t mind, I’m going to use this post as a bit of a therapy session and dump a little anger here to get it out of my head. It’s not going to be pretty. I’m going to admit something I don’t like about myself in the process. That’s the beauty of anonymous discussion boards, I guess.
WW pasted way a year ago and the anger phase is hitting me hard and I’m trying to untangle all the rage I’m currently swallowing. I think a lot of it boils down to things I’ve missed and, on the surface, which is selfish, so I didn’t want to admit it.
A little background to explain why I’m so angry.
Our relationship was good early on but was never fantastic. We didn’t do much together. WW was sporty and I was a nerd. She loved baseball and I built computers. She would never come with me to the things I was interested in, but I went to her ball games and her social events. She was the extrovert, always talking to everyone and I was quietly listening. Got to feeling like I could send a carboard cut out of me and no one would notice the difference. After a few years I started wondering why I felt so lonely. I was happily married, right? What the f**k?
Intimacy was never good. Started out good, but always vanilla (not that I’m a freak) and I realised it mostly happened after a social event when she was a little drunk. That started to weight on me and I started trying to initiate more at different times. Not much luck. Shortly after kids, she lost all interest. She never initiated and only said yes about 1 time in 10 or 20. I started trying to predict when I should try initiating to better my changes. Not during the day, that was never a thing. Not at night during the week, she’d be too tried. If at any point I heard her mentioning having a headache or being tired, don’t even try for a couple days. You do that math. I only tried to initiate about once a week tops. Months would go by with nothing. We talked about it and she agreed it wasn’t right, but nothing ever changed. She didn’t see it as a problem because cuddling and spooning at night was enough intimacy for her.
Later she developed Ulcerative Colitis and as you can imagine, intimacy pretty much fell of the face of the earth. When we talked about it, she said she wanted to, but the colitis always made her feel gross. That I could relate to, but it was still a hard pill to swallow.
WW’s on-line infidelity started in 2007. She started texting an old high school acquaintance who reached out to her. It was stupid flirty stuff, but inappropriate. By the time I clued in, they had made plans for my family to have a vacation where he lived, a 20 hour drive away, so they could meet in person. I found out before the trip by checking her email. She DARVO’s me and was mad I spied on her. I laid low and let the trip happen to see what she’d do, all the while secretly having access to her Email and IMs. They kept trying to meet, even tried arranging a trip to a casino where they could accidently bump into each other, but that never materialized. I’d planned to see if they would follow-through and record them together but circumstance never let it happen.
It was never fully addressed. She never admitted to more than I could prove She said she go caught up in the fantasy. The pressure for her to be intimate while struggling with Colitis was apparently draining for her. She liked that the physical demands weren’t there with her online fun and games. I eventually let it drop. I made all the mistakes we usually make, confronted too soon, and closed to door to getting the full picture. She relied heavily on the, "I can’t remember" line during talks and I eventually stopped bringing it up as a pointless exercise.
Then in 2009, at a family event in Vegas, she started up something with the husband on one of her cousins of all things. We suddenly started seeing more of them. Have dinner’s together, etc. While watching a movie with our kids, I noticed them playing footsy. That started me back into investigation mode. Found out they were emailing and talking inappropriately. Cryptic comments about back in Vegas. "If he only knew." They even discussed me noticing them touching that night and how made fun of how jealous I seemed to be. I still didn’t find a smoking gun and couldn’t hold it in any longer. The confrontation was explosive. Again, she only admitted to what I could prove. She never admitted to anything physical happening with him, but I’m not stupid. I almost left, but I couldn’t do that to my kids.
For way to long, I convinced myself I could stay for the kids. And for the most part I did. I got really good at compartmentalizing. But the relationship had died. It was almost a weekly thing. I’d get the point wanted to file, then talk myself out of it because I couldn’t live with the idea of my kids being from a broken home. I eventually lost all desire to be with her. Couldn’t even get it up with her. And she didn’t seem to mind. I guess it was to big a chore, what with the Colitis. I’d decided that once the Kids were settled, I’d file and try and move on. I deserve to be a relationship that was meaningful for me and I began the long wait. I didn’t want this to affect the kids, so I kept it all inside. No one knew about her infidelity and wouldn’t know until it I was ready to file. Then, about 5 years later she got cancer, and the rest is 2 years of nightmare fuel history.
A few weeks ago, I began realizing I was angry. I mean teeth grindingly furious, but I couldn’t nail down why. I slowly began to realize I was angry at my wife. All the unresolved crap started bubbling back up to the surface.
Angry for what she did to our relationship.
Angry for making me live a double life of pretending to be happy.
Angry that my sex life was decades of masturbation.
But then big one hit. I realized I wanted something I would never have admitted to wanting.
I wanted vindication.
No one knew what I’ve had to put with all these years. Eventually, when the kids were settled, I’d finally get to move on and I’d finally be able to explain it everyone. But not know. I can’t ruin her memory. I’m suck with the lie my live was happy. I’ll never have the big reveal and the vindications I didn’t know I wanted.
Yes, it’s selfish. I’m hoping getting it out will help me deal with it.
Part of that is saying it to someone outside my own head, and you guys get to hear it.
Rant over. I hope it helps.
ETA: Maybe now I'll stop anger dumping in other people's threads.
[This message edited by Twitchy at 3:33 PM, Wednesday, September 18th]
