SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

1994:

It seems a lot of people are more apt to forgive a drunken ONS. However, I'm not the kind of person to even entertain fantasies about those types of things. I was a very devoted husband and had a lot of romantic ideas about marriage. Physical cheating was always my worst nightmare, and now it's come true. I thought it was a deal breaker for me, and maybe it is. But I still love a lot of things about her and can't imagine a life with anyone else. I've never had my head turned by another woman our whole relationship. Also, her remorse and her fully throwing herself into 'doing the work' is making me think twice. Even when I'm not feeling the fear of being alone, I still imagine she could reinvent herself, that I could work to put this in the past, and that we could have a new marriage. It feels weak and shameful to admit part of me is still desperately in love with her.

My only argument against it is that she had to know with RJ this would be more devastating for you than in someone who doesn't struggle with that. I'm no expert and that may be untrue, but I'll assume it is.

I think she did know it would be devastating, and that's part of why she buried it and kept it secret for so long. She says she felt shocked and guilty for about a year, but decided it was a 'kindness' to live with it and keep me happily ignorant.
I've learned a lot of things from overcoming RJ. I'm not the same person anymore, but I do think my standards around fidelity were always strongly held beliefs. I could never have imagined doing something like this to her. I think that's part of what makes this so difficult.

Her habitual lying to please you is the trait I'd most closely watch.

She's good at her craft. It's literally impossible for me to tell when she's lying. But I am getting better about how I pose questions and engage in conversation. I'm trying not to tell her what I want to hear.

Have you broached the subject of the poly?

This is not a lifestyle I'm interested in. I'm deeply monogamous. I don't think it's something she wants. She's an opportunist and was just using these opportunities to give her an ego boost. She never wanted an actual relationship with her APs.

Have you broached the subject of the poly?

I think they meant a polygraph.

I think they meant a polygraph.

I'm pretty hesitant and a little skeptical. I guess if there are lingering doubts and I get more serious about R we could give it a try.
Thanks for straightening out my misinterpretation, lol.

Look at it this way - she went back to him and it made no sense, there was nothing. She went back to you ~10000 times and still wants to. This is special on a whole different level.

Look at it this way, while technically true she unloaded the full magazine of her 9mm into your back, she went back to you 10000 times and still wants to. This is very special!

Hi,

You are in a stage of being in a lot of pain over the sex and that’s natural. These are very eqrly days for you.

I don’t really want to try and address what you should or shouldn’t do about the marriage. I think you are seeking clarity and I know that takes more time for most of us than you have had yet.

I want to talk a little deeper than the surface things. As a former ws, I can tell you what I was unconsciously looking for was connection. What I learned since then was I was bad at knowing how to have it. That lack belonged to me. I searched for it in a lot of things and during an especially bad period of my life I searched for it through the AP.

It wasn’t that my AP was first and my husband was second best. What the ap brought to the table is he didn’t know me. I could be anyone I wanted, and I wasn’t authentic with him. I don’t think I knew what being authentic even looked like. I took my husband for granted, I took my whole life for granted because I had this huge hole in me I was trying to fill and I didn’t understand it at the time.

It’s heartbreaking that you have this confusion, that the only person you have been intimate with has these afflictions. I hope she is in therapy and I would recommend it for you too. I think a professional can get underneath some of this and help bring it to light for you so that you can have the clarity you are seeking.

But you need to know her affair was about her. Not about you or the AP. That takes a long time to internalize after your heart has been beaten on that rock. It’s an important hing to work towards realizing though because whether you divorce or reconcile, this has been a gigantic blow to your self worth that is being exacerbated by her being your first and only.

I hope for you to come to healing and peace.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:59 PM, Wednesday, September 20th]

hikingout:
Thank you for your perspective. It's interesting to hear things from a fWW.
You sound a lot like my WW in some ways. She's always avoided conflict in an effort to be accepted and lost some ability to be an authentic person. I had acted from my own mental health issues and insecurity to make her feel like she could never be enough and who she really was deep down was a bad person. I think she felt ashamed of who she was and that if anyone knew, they would reject her, like I had in my own messed up way.
She's acknowledged that part of what was attractive about her APs is that they didn't know her. She could hide behind her good looks and soak up praise while hiding the person she really was, or believed herself to be. After I changed myself and gave her praise and validation, I'm not sure it mattered to her, she still believed I saw her as a disappointment.
It looks like I'm blaming myself here, and I am for the damage I did to our marriage and her self esteem. But I know it was her choice to cheat, not to divorce or go to counseling.
We are both in therapy. My issues that damaged the relationship are long resolved, but I've got a new set of issues to work on obviously. She's been working with a therapist, but is looking for someone who specializes in cheating pathologies. Did you see a specialist or use certain modalities to help yourself heal and grow? I hope you and your husband have found peace and healing together.

I saw a therapist for a long time with no specialty but was referred to a psychiatrist for some issues she identified with mostly what falls under the awning of OCD.

We are happy today. Yes. I am glad you are not blaming yourself for the affair because that part is on her.

I was pressed for time earlier but O read books and wrote in a journal. I did therapy. And I paid a lot of attention to being self aware and mindful. I experimented with new hobbies and found confidence in being good at some of them. I kept practicing communication. A lot of stuff they teach you in therapy. Rising sting by Brene Brown is a good read about shame and vulnerability.

hikingout:
Thanks for your recommendations!
I did a little looking at your profile and it seems like you've had a long a challenging journey out, but it looks like you're in a good place now.
I don't think I have enough posts to PM you? But, I would like to ask a few questions regarding how your husband has healed (aside from his A), specifically around the physical/sexual nature of your A.
Also, your writing reminds me a lot of my WW's 'why' and mindset during her As. I told my WW about some of the things you wrote and she was interested in reaching out to you for perspective and advice on how to heal herself and our relationship.
Please let me know if you're amenable.