Sorry, I meant to include this in the original posting.
In the meantime, I can’t figure out my own emotions. Am I trauma bonding?
There could be some trauma bonding going on. If so, you want to at least be aware that that is what it is. Trauma bonding with an emotionally unhealthy partner is fraught with peril at least and unhealthy itself at worst.
Do I leave my best friend when he is on the cusp of fixing his biggest trauma?
I want to be very clear and realistic here. Change your statement to "Do I leave my best friend when he is at such a very early point in his healing journey?"
He is at a very early point in his healing journey. He's taken a first step, admitting it, -but- he doesn't yet remember it all. It is difficult to heal from psychic wounds that we cannot remember. His healing requires processing what happened to him but from the eyes of an adult-him rather than the eyes of the child-him.
The question might be changed to: "How long do I wait to see if he's changed, if he's able to process it all, or if he just _can't_ handle it?"
Why am I hyper bonding still even though I know it doesn’t stop him from cheating?
Poor impulse control? The little animal part of your brain that says, "Gimme" without considering consequences is saying "Gimme!" ? Not wanting to have to deal with your family dissolving and trying to glue it back together? All of that? None? Something else?
How can I respect myself if someone steps on me this much and I am still here?
He wasn't stepping on you. This was all about him and his pain. When one is abused at a young age parts of the personality stop developing at that age and get "stuck."
Young him developed a coping mechanism that included unhealthy sexual relationships to cope. Young him learned to lie. Young him learned that his self-worth was measured sexually. Young him learned that sex feels good (before he could process that info as an adult) and wants to quit hurting.
Again, he wasn't stepping on you. He was dealing with things the only way that he knew how to do so. This is -not- a Get Out of Jail Free card. It is the truth, however.
Why does my staying say to HIM?
So explain why you're staying and give conditions.
In the United States of America it is possible for him to 1) ask you to attend counseling sessions from time to time, 2) Sign a release with the counselor to talk to you about his case and to meet with you from time to time about his case. Get him to sign the release and talk to his counselor about the prognosis and progress of his treatment. This isn't to punish him, it is to protect you.
Make continued counseling appointments a condition of not filing for D. In other words, if he quits going you quit staying. Make actual progress a condition of staying. He won't necessarily be measurably better each week -but-, over time, he will get measurably better. He will hit plateaus, he will have big breakthroughs, he'll plod along at a walking pace.
Part of his charm is that he gives me this child like puppy love.
Is this preferable to giving you adult-style love? Why? Which would you rather have? Again, why?
The good side of him is so devoted and loyal.
Then, this disintegrated side showed up and turned out to be cheating on and off for the last 9 years.
There isn't a "good side" and a "bad side" like in photography. This is him, how he deals with things, how he _is_. He may be able to change it, he may not.
Then, this disintegrated side showed up and turned out to be cheating on and off for the last 9 years. Heck I feel like I have be disassembled and HE shouldn’t reconcile with me until I find out who I am!
Welcome to The Emotional Rollercoaster. Keep your arms, legs, and head inside the car at all times.