SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Eric

What is extremely positive in your post is that you two are seeking and open to outside help.
Your wife talking to her doctor is a great step. Hopefully he will arrange a whole barrage of hormonal-level tests.
It’s also great that you are seeking advice from Relate. I hope you and your wife go there with an open mind. Often that’s going there with the intent of finding solutions rather than having your point-of-view validated. I think maybe the biggest problem with MC is when couples attend with the expectation that the MC tells the partner that what they say is correct and the partner should agree with it. I think it’s always better if you can go there with an attitude of "we" have a problem – how do "we" deal with it.

There are specialized intimacy-coaches. No – they don’t guide you in the act itself. Don’t suggest new positions and kinks. But they can guide the two of you in dealing with whatever issues have been holding back on intimacy.

@Bigger

Yes, I think that's all good advice, and I'm particularly aware of not using a MC counsellor to back up my views. That said, I think my WS has a strong impulse to avoid what happened and, unfortunately, her affair is now part of our marriage and can't be denied. But I know that my ultimate aim is a way forward together, and not an "I win, you lose" situation.

I keep kicking myself for leaving this for so long, because the default assumption that anyone will make will be, "Why are you bringing this up now, just to cause unnecessary pain? This is in the past! Why are digging it up now?" Of course, the fact is, for me, I'm not digging it up because, for me, it's never been buried.

A few weeks ago, I referred myself to Relate (UK marriage guidance) and, a couple of days ago, had my introductory interview. I told my wife a couple of days before, and she was upset and cried. I delayed telling her because she had a bereavement, but at the same time decided to go ahead with this because I've waited long enough. I described my situation to the counsellor and I think she understood - she made some comments about my wife's attitude to intimacy in long-term relationships. I now have to wait a couple of weeks until I'm allocated a regular counsellor, then I'll start some sessions. I've made a list of themes to discuss and I think I'll need between four and six sessions to start with. After that, I think my wife will need to come on board in some way, whether that's attending sessions as a couple or having difficult conversations at home.

Hi Eric...

I’m in the UK (obvious from my profile name!) and would suggest you look through two sites, the Counselling Directory and the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists (BACP)

Relate is fine, but I think you need someone who is more experienced in dealing with trauma. I have to say that Relate came across to me as a bit "soft" when I needed something stronger to get things going.

I suggest you have individual counselling to focus on YOU and see where you are at this moment in time. Sift through the profiles and their areas of interest and then choose three or four for an initial appointment (interview) and see who you feel is the best one for you. Find the right counsellor/therapist. It’s a long road and it sounds like you could do with some help. You may find the first half hour session is free. Sounds like your WW could do with some IC as well.

This ^^^

Being UK based as well I would echo UKGirl's observations about Relate. I never used them myself but I understand from other sources that the counselling can be quite "lightweight" especially in regard to infidelity. Hopefully you'll strike lucky with your individual Relate counsellor and get a really good one but I would also recommend searching out either a counsellor or better still an experienced psychotherapist who specialises in trauma from the websites named above by UKGirl. It'll likely be more expensive than Relate but if you find the right one, definitely worth it.

Additionally I think by just having 4 to 6 individual sessions with a Relate counsellor before potentially inviting your WW to the sessions is probably not the best course of action imho. It would be like attempting to stem a spurting major artery with a sticking plaster...just my 2p worth mate!

Btw have you read 'No More Mr Nice Guy' by Robert Glover?

Wishing you all the best in your journey.