Hi Sigyn, I hope you’re finding some peace this weekend. Like so many here, I’ve been thinking about you and admiring how clear your thinking continues to be.
I’m sure that you’re tired of hearing that and also, that you don’t really believe it. If you’re anything like I was, I imagine that your thoughts feel chaotic, erratic, and unstable at best. I remember the swings between problem-solving, despair, desperate sadness and loss, fury, and such fear over the future for both me and my kids. I read and analyzed endlessly. I spent far more time than I should have obsessing over the psyche of the stranger that I’d spent my life with and over how I could get him to SEE what he’d done and get his ass in gear to support the people that he had crushed.
So I’ll say again that you have responded so much better than I did at the time. That’s probably because you have understood much more quickly than I did what your WH is doing. I knew the selfish, completely self-focused, unempathetic person that my WH was, but for some reason, I thought that looking at the utter devastation and ruin that his selfishness and dishonesty had caused and realizing that I knew what he had done would utterly change him. AFter all, it utterly changed me.
You have seen clearly much more quickly than I did that discovery didn’t change your WH; it just made him dig in more deeply to his horribleness. Mine did too, but it took me a long time to accept that it wasn’t that my WH was struggling and trying to get on the road to owning and figuring out his shit. Because how could he NOT know that he HAD to do that for his sons. I deluded myself because I just wasn’t ready to believe that the person I had thought I was married to would not give a shit about anyone but himself and would not only not want to change and get rid of whatever part of himself made him into such a dysfunctional person but would dig in HARDER to not have to change.
My WH is driven by terror of becoming a real person. He doesn’t want to. It looks too hard. It would require him to alter a self that, for whatever reason, he is desperate to protect even though it is a fraud, a liar, a manipulator, and a child terrified of grown up reality and consequences. He will always fight to hide from himself. And you just can’t reason or illustrate or prove anything to a person who is so damned good at lying to himself and making himself the victim of everyone who doesn’t like being treated like a pile of shit and enforces consequences or boundaries.
He is also an expert at taking the shame that hits him when he is caught and turning that bad feeling back on the person that made him feel it. They are the enemy. He is the victim. And then the wallowing in shame becomes an endless, self-indulgent, resentful dance of victimhood and poor-me-ism. The people that point out his flaws are mean. The people that hold him responsible for his actions are mean and vindictive and unforgiving. He spirals into being a child and does not hold himself responsible for any of it.
And I bought right into it over and over. Because there was something about me that took responsibility for making him feel bad when he pushed it at me. So while you are looking so strong and finding your anger, I worry that you may also be feeling sick to your stomach over that unaccustomed holding him accountable. Because you are probably not someone who would normally not respond to someone’s tears and breakdown (which he knows).
Good for you if you’re not. If you’re fighting that feeling at all, it’s fertile ground for work with your IC. I found that feeling responsible for his feelings was a good part of my work. Feeling responsible for taking care of everyone’s feelings. Feeling like the strong one. Pushing my own needs into the background to feed the narcissists in my life.
It’s that part of me that probably drew my WH to me. He recognized someone who would "fit" his needs.
You are doing amazing. Truly. I don’t want to overlook that you’re also certainly suffering and struggling minute to minute, second to second. I just wanted to acknowledge that too. It’s the knowledge of how horrific the situation is and how unfathomable the inner turmoil is that makes what you are doing and how clear your head is so admirable and amazing. You are doing what you have to to protect yourself and especially your son. Appreciating yourself is important to do in a time that doesn’t do a lot to promote confidence in your worth.
One final thing, I too was concerned about your son asking if he would have to keep something from his dad. You are his strong and trusted place. It could just be the general anxiety and uncertainty, but he could have also revealed something to you. You may want to keep your eyes and ears open for clues because your WH could already have begun manipulating and/or grooming your son to fill his needs too. Again, I speak from sad experience. My WH was in no way above using my kids. He wasn’t above lying to them, grooming them to be emotionally co-dependent, using them against me, getting their support. It was like a contest for their loyalty and affection. Your son’s question may just be checking the new rules, but it could also be that he’s been asked to hold something back before or has held something back to keep from upsetting you or making you mad at your WH.
It’s horrible to have to think that way, but in order to protect and help our children through this, it’s important to understand the very real probability that they too have been affected and influenced to smooth the way for their wayward parent. Your son has you, and you’re awesome. Just being aware and watchful will help you know when you need to be there for your son and will help you see the dangers when they present themselves. Please don’t assume that your WH is above hurting your son or that he’s capable of putting your son above himself. He doesn’t know how to do that with anyone else in the world, including his wife. It’s sadly unlikely that your son would be the sole exception.
Knowledge is power. It’s horrible, disgusting knowledge, but I know from experience that it’s better to have that knowledge than to ignore it or deny it. Your son has an amazing mama bear. You’ll know what to do with the knowledge as it comes to you even though it doesn’t feel that way.
Sending you huge hugs of strength and support.