SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks guys!

Have ZERO proof of an actual affair.

Have ZERO relationship with other husband....couldn't pick him out of a line-up.

The general stance of this friend of my wife, the thoughts and feelings she has expressed to her, her current choices are very similar to my wife's life-long pattern of living that EVENTUALLY included adultery.

Months and months ago my wife saw flags....craving for and seeking external validation specifically by and from men being the largest.

I see what y'all are saying.....I need to be open to being used by God, even though MY logic doesn't point me to any action that APPEARS to be constructive here.

I wish my wife had a regular girl friend to lean on. As near as I can tell she isn't talking about this with anyone else.....so when I fail to stay emotionally neutral, she finds no comfort from others.....further instilling the lie we BOTH believed since childhood.......that we are all alone and its up to us as individuals to make life work.

Ugh.

Total honesty.....my additional concern is that my wife watching this middle-aged woman "live as she always wanted to, but couldn't as a mom and wife" will tempt my wife back into that series of lies and temptations. I also know this temptation as the pain of real intimacy....well, I'm still facing and dealing with my OWN fears of it.

Logically.....I've been hurt more deeply than I ever thought possible. Yet, I survived. Have actually started really LIVING like I never knew was possible by giving up hope in false intimacies and going deeper into real intimacy as I learn how.

Still.....my heart is screaming at me to be engaged, while my mind is like "Let you out heart?!?! Are you kidding!!! Look at the pain that awaits you!" That, by the way, is the lie I was told when I was an 11 year old boy experiencing abuse, abandonment and neglect. satan knows its a sore spot and wants nothing more than to keep hitting me there. he also knows I am healing and the blows that once debilitated me no longer do. They hurt badly as my wound is still healing, but I can take them while pressing forward into truth.

The heart in a saved man is no longer deceitful above all else, it is the well-spring of life. And that life is endless....and that pisses satan off! He is not saved and is condemned. He knows his time is limited and want nothing more than to destroy our new hearts.

I want to honestly live! God, through Jesus, continuously offers us that opportunity.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:14 PM, May 6th (Friday)]

Total honesty.....my additional concern is that my wife watching this middle-aged woman "live as she always wanted to, but couldn't as a mom and wife" will tempt my wife back into that series of lies and temptations. I also know this temptation as the pain of real intimacy....well, I'm still facing and dealing with my OWN fears of it.

You should let your wife know about your fears...if you have not already.

I haven't.

I should.

I will.

Just a thought on presentation. I've never seen the chores I do for my kids or did for my husband as chores. I did them as acts of love. Tried presenting this to my husband, but he's not nearly far enough along.

There is an opportunity to love us BSs in every consequences that comes from infidelity. Rather than seeing it as a chore or consequence, it should be seen as just another way to love their spouses.

I did.

I expressed my feelings to my wife regarding the woman who MAY be in an affair.....and is doing some odd/reckless? things. Mid-life crisis things.

Why is this such a fear-filled event. It took all of 30 seconds....I've cut burning trees down while fighting western wildfires, yet sharing this with my wife is STILL more scary.

I know the answers.....but I still am shocked.

Another note....

I dig what you are saying about trials and love.

For me, I'm having to learn what it really means to love.

Much of my life I have applied this definition of love

Codependency = all grace and mercy and no truth.

After the affair I applied this definition of love

Brutality = all truth and no grace or mercy

As I study the Word I have come to the conclusion what love is according to God

Love = truth + grace and mercy.

Jesus didn't turn a blind eye to the prostitures choices....he recognized the facts of what they were. But he also did not condemn her. He showed tremendous grace and mercy while operating within the truth.

Truth of adultery is that it is chosen, we (BS) and all others directly involved (other AP) and indirectly affected (kids, friends, family) were never invited in to that decision making process. It was never about us, it was all about the individual choosing it. It hurts us....most of us think initially we caused it or had a big role in it.....but is not ABOUT us.

Truth also is God recognizes it as the trial it is....and we would in truth have biblical grounds for divorce.

Grace and mercy......that's us recognizing the truth but not condemning them. Not martyrs.....but us extending Gods grace and mercy (cause no way could I do that on my own!) to our spouses. We do that in many ways.....but it all starts with us finding true empathy and compassion about where they got, and the wounding that went untended to that got them there.

Dang....it's hard! But not impossible....thank God!

It is so hard and absolutely possible through God!

I truly appreciate what you write Blakesteele, there is so much to learn and your clarity is very helpful.

I hear ya blakesteele

Why is this such a fear-filled event. It took all of 30 seconds....I've cut burning trees down while fighting western wildfires, yet sharing this with my wife is STILL more scary.

I've worked wildfires, house fires, vehicle fires. I've worked MCIs and MMVCs. I also work medical and have dealt with about every substance in the body and what came out.

But, I have to work myself up to talk to my WW about the things I need to talk about.

For me, I have been a Christian for almost 15 years. I used to have a decent devotional and prayer life. After years of rugsweeping and finally dealing with this, I barely pray or read my Bible at all. I attend church with the family, but barely have a spiritual life now.

I reached out to a Christian friend that is safe and is willing to pray for me and talk with me. I guess, I'm asking for prayer that I will pray. Even praying over the meal at the dinner table is stilted and feels meaningless.

This was a devotional I got last week...

Peace all....

In a recent article, Henri Nouwen counsels us to grieve:

“Mourn, my people, mourn. Let your pain rise up in your heart and burst forth in you with sobs and cries. Mourn for the silence that exists between you and your spouse. Mourn for the way you were robbed of your innocence. Mourn for the absence of a soft embrace, an intimate friendship, a life-giving sexuality.”

”Mourn for the abuse of your body, your mind, your heart. Mourn for the bitterness of your children, the indifference of your friends, your colleagues’ hardness of heart. Mourn for those whose hunger for love brought them AIDs, whose desire for freedom brought them to refugee camps, whose hunger for justice brought them to prisons. Cry for the millions who die from lack of food, lack of care, lack of love…

“Don’t think of this as normal, something to be taken for granted, something to accept… Think of it as the dark force of Evil that has penetrated every human heart, every family, every community, every nation, and keeps you imprisoned.”

“Cry for freedom, for salvation, for redemption. Cry loudly and deeply, and trust that your tears will make your eyes see that the Kingdom is close at hand, yes, at your fingertips!” (New Oxford Review, June 1992).

Today we are called to mourn! There are many aspects to this. As Nouwen rightly points out, we must mourn so that we do not accept, as normal, the hell that so often makes up earth. To properly cry is to see injustice, indifference, lack of love and hardness of heart for what they are—evil, living in each of us, in need of redemption.

But this prophetic call to mourn is also the call for us to properly mourn the poverty of our own lives, to stop torturing others with blame, ourselves with self-hatred, and God with unfair expectations because, this side of eternity, we live lives not only of quiet desperation but of chronic disappointment. On this side of eternity, there is for us no such thing as a clear cut pure joy and we need to accept and healthily mourn that fact.

Mourn, my people, mourn—or else you will give in to blame and fill with self-hatred, restlessness and bitterness.

Mourn because your life cannot not be inadequate, that here, in this life, all symphonies remain unfinished, that you cannot help but live in a certain vale of tears.

Mourn because you cannot not disappoint your loved ones—and cannot help but be disappointed by them.

Mourn because you can never live with or love anyone for long without seriously hurting him or her.

Mourn that the good you want to do, you end up not doing and the evil you want to avoid, you end up doing. Mourn the stains in your baptismal robes.

Mourn what might have been, all that you missed out on in life while you were doing something else.

Mourn your restless heart, the fact that no spouse or family or friends can ever take your loneliness away.

Mourn that you are so different from others, that you cannot help but irritate them, anger them and make them impatient with you.

Mourn your lack of gratitude, that you can so easily take what’s most precious for granted, that you can so blindly seize as owed what’s given as a gift, that charity is most difficult with those you most owe it to.

Mourn your lack of prayer, your infinite capacity for distraction and the heartaches and headaches that make you think about everything but God.

Mourn your lack of hope, all the life that’s been crucified in you, all those dead spots that have taken the bounce out of your step, the light out of your eyes and the expectation out of your heart. Mourn that you no longer believe in the resurrection!

There’s a Chinese axiom that says: “After the ecstasy, go do the laundry!” In a culture and a church too full of bitterness, anger and frustrated dreams, we need to properly mourn our losses so that we can hear an important prophetic message: 99 per cent of life is doing the laundry and waiting for the ecstasy—and that’s OK!

I have been a Christian for almost 19 years - August, 1997. Some people remember the day and the time. I don't. I was of the Christian faith all my life but fought turning my life over to Jesus. I lived like a Christian but wasn't one.

I prayed a lot even before asking Jesus to be my personal saviour. Prayers of thanks, prayers for guidance, prayers to be a shield for my children. I have written about my difficulties with prayer on this forum too, jaynelovesvera. I quit praying. I was angry at God. I was a good and faithful servant (flawed like all humans, of course).

God never gave up on me. He knew what was going to happen to me. He doesn't interfere. He gave free will. He has anguish for our betrayal. He has been betrayed so many times in so many ways by his beloved people. I gave up on God. But he waits for me and I am starting to come back.

I pray for others but rarely for myself anymore. I am trying to change that. What was so comfortable and easy is, as you say, stilted now. But I am getting there. I will pray for you, as well, jaynelovesvera. God waits for you to come back home.

Lots of good stuff here!!

Blakesteele, thank God your worst fears were not a reality. You will be fine. You and your W will be fine. You have done SO MUCH to become a stronger, healthier H. As you share your journey, I am always touched by your humility and how you have constantly "owned up" to areas you have needed to work on, heal from, etc.

SteadyChevy,

You are and will always remain in my prayers. I sense in you a kindred spirit. We are both still hurting and sometimes reeling from the reality of what our S's did to us, our M, and our families. Yet your faith remains strong. That will take you far. It will take us both far. I see God's hand in the healing that is taking place in my M. Some of what He has done has been nothing short of miraculous. He provided us with a new home in a new state that is still close enough for my H to be able to commute to the job he loves. God has also arranged for me to be able to become a part of H's life in ways I never would have imagined. Because long ago I worked in H's field, I am now invited along as a participatory member of his business travels. And I can see how God is working on H's heart. He feels true remorse and, if I need to talk about the A, he listens - even though I see the pain it brings him to "relive" it.

This, Faithfulfeathers, is very well put:

There is an opportunity to love us BSs in every consequences that comes from infidelity. Rather than seeing it as a chore or consequence, it should be seen as just another way to love their spouses.

My H is there. He is doing this. I pray yours will too!

I have been praying often since February 2014 that the lord would help me deal with this almost unbearable anger & resentment I feel towards WH, his FOO, & AP's because of their gaslighting, inappropriate behaviors, and betrayal of myself & my sister in law. I haven't been able to shake it or conceal this emotion very well. I have become a person of very little patience, I get frustrated easily at challenges that prior to Dday wouldn't even phase me. I have yelled at WH more in the last 2 1/2 years than I ever did since DDay. If I were to come across one of WH's affair persons right now I don't think I could control myself & someone would have to pry my fingers from their chubby throats. I need prayers and lots of them to be rid of the anger inside of me for these people. I just wish I could view all of them in a more Christian like perspective. Whenever I am reminded of them & what they have done it makes me angry still.

Praying for you hihn.

Anger can be all consuming and is almost always a by-product of hurt. Sometimes letting go of the anger feels like we are opening ourselves up to more hurt and so it's easier to hold onto the anger than make ourselves vulnerable.

What's hard to see in the midst of the anger, is that it hurts us the most. When we give it to God and are vulnerable to him, He can give us peace. We can be vulnerable with Him and He will take care of us.

I will pray that you can find peace in God's arms.

(((hihn)))

[This message edited by faithfulfeathers at 7:16 AM, May 14th (Saturday)]

Hello everyone, it is good to have a feed for those of us who are Christian. I am and have been all of my life, although I did a lot of back sliding as a teenager. Prayer is a big part of my life. And try to talk to our Father and Savior every day. Since Dday I have also done a lot of praying. That my WBF would be remorseful and apologetic to me. But I don't think that that will ever happen. He is what he is. He wanted to keep me in the dark and keep on cheating on me. And while he cheated he constantly accused me of lying and cheating. Such a hypocrite. It is becoming very clear that I need to get over him and move on. It is so hard. I had planned to be with this man for the rest of my life.

Has anyone tried meditation...really tried it? I have but I find it hard to "stay in silence"

This was from my Friday Daily Reading

I used to think that most of us must begin with contemplation or a unitive encounter with God and are then led through that experience to awareness of the suffering of the world and to solidarity with that suffering in some form of action. I do think that's true for many people, but as I read the biblical prophets and observe Jesus' life, I think it also happens in reverse: first action, and then needed contemplation.

No life is immune from suffering. When we are in solidarity with pain, injustice, war, oppression, colonization--the list goes on and on--we face immense pressure to despair, to become angry or dismissive. When reality is split dualistically between good and bad, right and wrong, we too are torn apart. Yet when we are broken, we are most open to contemplation, or non-dual thinking. We are desperate to resolve our own terror, anger, and disillusionment, and so we allow ourselves to be led into the silence that holds everything together in wholeness.

The contemplative, non-dual mind is not saying, "Everything is beautiful," even when it's not. However, you do come to "Everything is still beautiful" by facing the conflicts between how reality is and how you wish it could be. In other words, you have to begin--and most people do in their adult years--with dualistic problems. You've got to name good and evil and differentiate between right and wrong. You can't be naive about evil. But if you stay focused on this duality, you'll go crazy! You'll become an unlovable, judgmental, dismissive person. I've witnessed this pattern in myself. You must eventually find a bigger field, a wider frame, which we call non-dual thinking.

Jesus does not hesitate to name good and evil and to show that evil is a serious matter. Jesus often speaks in dualistic images, for example, "You cannot serve God and mammon" (Matthew 6:24). He draws a stark line between the sheep and the goats, the good and the wicked (Matthew 25:31-46). Yet Jesus goes on to overcome these dualisms by what we would call the contemplative mind. You are honest about what the goats are doing, maybe too honest for most people, but you do not become hateful nor do you need to punish the goats in your life. You keep going deeper until you can also love them.

Beginning with dualistic action and moving toward contemplation seems to be the more common path in the modern era. We see this pattern in Dorothy Day, Thomas Merton, Martin Luther King, Jr., Mother Teresa, and Jean Vanier. These people entered into the pain of society and had to go to God to find rest for their soul, because their soul was so torn by the broken, split nature of almost everything, including themselves.

The most important word in our Center's name is not Action nor is it Contemplation, but the word and. We need both action and contemplation to have a whole spiritual journey. It doesn't matter which comes first; action may lead you to contemplation and contemplation may lead you to action. But finally, they need and feed each other.

Hihn...you and your family remain on my prayer list. I know those feelings. I should up on OM's front porch late at night with the intent to pummel him, stomp on his head till I felt earth under my boot heel. God intervened. I expected to find some strong, cocky man. What I found was a scared shitless man who had no intention of fighting for my wife. He got what he wanted from my wife but as soon as this venture was actually gonna cost him something, he wanted nothing to do with it. It wouldn't have taken so much as a smirk and it'd be game-on. God prevented that from happening. Oh how Satan would have enjoyed that to have happened!

You have every right to have the feelings you have.....we HAVE feelings as a gift from God. Just don't let them have you....and trust God will assist you when the load is too heavy. He came through that night for me. But, boy, I didn't want him too (that's my flesh talking).

Mccloud.....welcome!

That my WBF would be remorseful and apologetic to me. But I don't think that that will ever happen

.

You have been deeply hurt....the pain you are in is real. Some waywards take longer to find remorse than others, some never find it. It's up to you to decide if you want to hang around and see which one this boy in your life is. CAUTION: statements like "I don't think it will ever happen" is those painful feelings trying to create a fact that is not there so that you treat those feelings as fact. You don't know what the future holds. You do know you are in pain now. My caution is to keep your feelings from having you. Leading a feelings-driven life rarely produces good fruit. But to detach from your feelings is destructive too. Just take some time to decide what your next choice is.

He is what he is. He wanted to keep me in the dark and keep on cheating on me.

Yes....kinda. Yes he did want to keep you around while he cheated.....that's what waywards do. Yes....he certainly is what he is, but it may not be what you think it is. People who cheat are ultimately running FROM something, not TO something. He didn't cheat because of who YOU are, he did because of who he had become. I say "kinda" because this spot you find yourself in is a hope-killing spot if you allow it to be.

Hope to the soul is like breath to the body. Satan sooo enjoys to kill hope.....because to do that is to harden ones heart. God more easily works in the soft-hearted. The heart of a saved person is the well spring of life...guard it. BUT also use it. Like all other blessings God gives us, we are to use it.

And while he cheated he constantly accused me of lying and cheating.

Yeah....that was part of our pre-A M too. Odd how this plays out sometimes.

Look.....you have not yet entered into M, which was NOT mans invention it was Gods. Satan hates marriage cause in truly loving ones there is much strength to be tapped into. I struggle regularly between my flesh and knowing/doing Gods will in my own life. Maybe this is a sign to move on, maybe this is a sign to look into yourself and see why this particular boy was attractive to you, maybe.....

What I do know is the bomb of cheating went off in your relationship, you survived the initial blast, and you can take your time on making your decision. Take some time......believe nothing of what your BF says and only half of what you see during this time.

You owe it to yourself to come out if the shock you are in BEFORE you make life altering decisions. Certainly keep your boundaries up.....you're hurting, Satan will use other men to take you further down OR you will be tempted to believe the lie of "I don't need anyone....I can do this life all on my own."

Isolation makes you vulnerable to further attacks.

Get with relationship friendly girl friends and trust God will work through them to support you in this time of need.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:29 PM, May 16th (Monday)]

Major vent coming...

While I haven't been back for a while (sometimes you have to give yourself a break from SI), we had been making good progress. We are both active in church and I am getting so much out of it. I am building Godly friendships and building a community of support. He is leading our family the way I have hoped for. Over the last year, I have been reminded to look at the fruit of his life. It is the only thing I can do to be assured that he isn't up to shady activities again. I am focused on me, a real feat to a CoD officiando. We are both still in IC with MC on the horizon at a time deemed necessary by our IC's. Overall, things have been going well. Slowly, but well. There have been ups and downs, but the ups are weighing heavier than the downs, until yesterday. Yesterday was a deep, deep slide down.

I have managed to re-open wounds that were slowly healing. Yesterday, I opened the email account that WH had during his A's. Good God, help me, it hurts! I don't even know WHY I opened it. I knew ahead of time that it wouldn't be good, but I did it anyway. Did I do it because DDay 3 is coming up next month? Like a loose tooth, you have to wiggle it to see if it hurts?

I cried all afternoon. How could this man that I thought was such a good person have done all of this to me? I never in a million years thought he was capable of that. What I know now is that anyone is capable of anything. He decimated my life to beyond the ground level and I'm supposed to just be ok now. (He didn't say that, it just feels that way.)

I am so angry. I am angry that he called me "crazy" and "paranoid" and talked bad about me to the little skank. Who wouldn't be after all he has put me through? The naked pics she sent him didn't do much for the self-esteem. She's 17 years my junior, for Pete's sake! Although deep down I know it's not about that, it still hurts like hell and makes me feel insecure about my body. I'm angry at her too. I want to rat her out to the small community she lives in (they already know what she is, though) and plaster her naked pictures all over the internet. She would probably be happy about that. She has issues. I want to rat out the other skanks to their OBS's and yet there is no way to do that. (CL) I wonder how on earth it was so easy for him to replace me. I wonder why he could call them "beautiful" and "gorgeous" and praise them over nonsense, and yet he can't compliment me to save his life. I thought I meant more to him than that. I wanted to mean more to him than that. He meant more than that to me.

I'm just mad, and hurt, and wondering why I'm still here all over again. Then I hear my 9 year old boy in there singing while he's on the potty. LOL Him. He is why I'm still here. I know that God will carry me, whether I am with my WH or not. Every single time I have cried out to Him and admitted my weakness and failure, He has picked me up and shown me the way. Every. Single. Time.

And yet, here I am, with these self-inflicted, re-injured wounds, that should never have been there to begin with.

Please pray for me!

((LallY)) Praying for you.

Goodness, Lally! I know exactly what you're going through and will add you to my prayers

I recently cleaned out my "inbox" and "sent" folder in my email account and cried till my H got home that day. There were texts between us that spanned his 6-year LTA and I could see all of the lies and excuses on his part. But what hurt the most was how much I begged him during those years to tell me why he was being distant, neglectful or downright abusive toward me. And always, always he blamed it on the stress of his "new" job - a job he loves, by the way, and that enabled him to pull the wool over my eyes for so long because of all the travel it entails

I am - right now - sitting in a hotel lobby - while he attends an all-day conference because I can no longer let him travel alone. After 2 years. I still need to be watchful and cautious because, by his own admission, H is weak. But that's another story for another place and time.

Lally, you say things were going well and then you read those texts. I do the same thing. I believe they call it pain shopping. It's funny but I seem to do it the most especially when H is being kind and loving. I think I need to remind myself of where God has taken us. And I need to remember the only One who I can ever really trust and the only One who has ever been 100% faithful to me. Remembering what H did? It keeps me focused on the One who is turning this nightmare into something good and beautiful, if that makes any sense.

I think the best thing to come out of all this pain is where H and I are spiritually now. And on those painful, triggery days, I hold fast to His promises and realize that all things really will work out for the good as long as both H and I remain faithful and true to Him

Hang in there Lally, Hihn, Brokenheartedwif, Blakesteele, and all the rest of you you are not alone. As long as you have God in your life, you will never be alone.

I need to remember the only One who I can ever really trust and the only One who has ever been 100% faithful to me.

needfriendshere,you got that right my Christian sister and Amen to that!

McCloud, I pray you have taken Blakesteele's words of advice to heart. IMHO those were some wise words. (I have often wondered if he prays just before he posts in SI, it sure seems like it). I also pray that the lord grant you courage, strength, wisdom, knowledge and understanding. We all need those gifts from God as we continue on our journey of the after effects of adultery.