SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

While I can only imagine what a group of us and mezcal could cause

I just need you to promise me that if this ever happens that I get an invitation.

Just popping in to say that I agree wholeheartedly with emergent’s explanation about vulnerability in regards to the note and invite.

I could not have explained it so eloquently.

I can only imagine what a group of us and mezcal could cause

A bunch of SI'ers met in Austin many years ago and partook of tequickle shots. (Tequila with a pickle juice chaser.) It was a ton of fun. I highly recommend meeting your SI friends in person.

Well……….. the mezcal is pretty damn good, so………

For as much time as I’ve lived in the gray, it’s probably time to start forming back some clear lines. It’s just weird cause I don’t really know where they "should" be these days. Big ones are clear. The little ones that made me an individual, those seem way more blurry. Plus I’ve had a few drinks tonight (only one mezcal, the rest with friends, I promise).

I know I'm not telling you anything you don't know, but please be easy with the alcohol.

As for lines, given that you have had a tendency to set yourself on fire to keep your wife warm up until just a few short weeks ago, your boundary lines should be wherever you feel they are appropriate. Because you are clearly a kind man, I would imagine any boundary enforcement will be uncomfortable, so please err on the side of taking care of yourself, as opposed to her at the expense of yourself.

Ink:

Many here are fixating on whether or not she is manipulating you. I think whether or not this is manipulation is very clear; it IS manipulation.

But...

What I think is a more important question is whether or not she understands that she is manipulating you. I DO NOT believe she sees what she is doing is manipulation. As I said previously, she is low in self awareness and EQ. She only knows what has worked for her own comfort for the entirety of her conscious life. So we come back to the analogy of the rats with the food button. All she is doing is pressing that button more frantically because it is no longer delivering her food.

Some may see this as a distinction without a difference. I think the distinction is absolutely critical. Those who only see the manipulation make it very easy to paint her as an evil monster who deserves retribution.

For those who see this situation for what it is, it becomes far more difficult, because it is easy to see she is not a monster, rather she is someone who is so in over her head that she can't even begin to grasp that she is truly lost, let alone how to begin to navigate to her destination.

Even though she has legitimately earned a divorce, she definitely deserves sympathy.

I know I have been hard on you in the past, IH, mostly because I see the same tendencies in you that I have previously been guilty of myself in my own marriage: codependency, giving too much, compensating for our spouses while enabling their poor behavior in the process.

But I really like what I see from you in the past few weeks in accepting the gravity of the situation, yet not allowing the monumental level of hurt your wife has levied upon both you and your children to allow you to treat her poorly. Hold your head high, put one foot in front of the other, and keep moving forward.

I highly recommend meeting your SI friends in person.

Maybe let me get thru a divorce and then you and me plan the next one? What say you, OG? First round’s on me.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 5:53 PM, Thursday, April 18th]

I finally understood the last page of this thread when I googled what "mezcal" is.

So how are you going IH?
How is the family coping with the latest developments?
Is your STBXW still acting as the "victim"?
Regards,
FAWH

For those who see this situation for what it is, it becomes far more difficult, because it is easy to see she is not a monster, rather she is someone who is so in over her head that she can't even begin to grasp that she is truly lost, let alone how to begin to navigate to her destination.

Even though she has legitimately earned a divorce, she definitely deserves sympathy.

I largely agree with this. Clearly you guys are only seeing a reflection of what I’m seeing, but damn she is so much the "typical" wayward that we read about here all the time, and one that seems particularly resistant to really seeing it. I sense my regard for her dropping day by day, but I agree that she is a pitiable person, not some evil mastermind. She is full of self doubt and fear, desperate to find ways to relieve it and unable to find the hard path of truth and light that would ultimately be the cure. She seems deeply lost.

I know I have been hard on you in the past, IH, mostly because I see the same tendencies in you that I have previously been guilty of myself in my own marriage: codependency, giving too much, compensating for our spouses while enabling their poor behavior in the process.

Any Gary Larson fan has earned the right to a few licks, at least in my book.

But I really like what I see from you in the past few weeks in accepting the gravity of the situation, yet not allowing the monumental level of hurt your wife has levied upon both you and your children to allow you to treat her poorly. Hold your head high, put one foot in front of the other, and keep moving forward.

I don’t hate her, and for my own sake, my kids’ sake, her father’s sake (who I regard like my own), I will not mistreat her. I’m also not going to be more than what I need to be to her. She has lived off me for more than long enough, time for her to navigate life without me.

I’m also not going to be more than what I need to be to her.

This is just what we often struggle with in relationships, isn't it? Part of the dysfunctional dance pattern is when one person stands ready, willing and able to do most of the dance steps, lead the way, coach, fuss at, and in general be the relationship energizer, while the other person lags in perpetual under-function mode.

I haven't found a solution to this either, but what you posted seems like the correct path to take to exit the dysfunctional dance.

IH, did your wife say anything about you declining her dinner "invitation". That would have to sting quite a bit on your anniversary. She has to know your serious. I just shake my head at her behavior. Can I ask where you are in the D process?

I got a first indication today that she is going to make this contentious. As such, I’m going to be pretty quiet about my situation. I may talk about my own emotional state and comment on other threads. But I sense right now that me saying less here about my life events will be in my own interest.

Sorry about that, IH. Do what's best for you, and think of the long game. Sending support.

She is full of self doubt and fear, desperate to find ways to relieve it and unable to find the hard path of truth and light that would ultimately be the cure. She seems deeply lost.

To paraphrase Col Nathan Jessep, 'She can't handle the truth.'

Deeply avoident of self-reflection, possibly because she knows she would not like what she will see. As such, it would be difficult to R with a personality like this.

I got a first indication today that she is going to make this contentious.

Sorry IH I'm always amazed at the WS's including mine that have made D contentious or difficult. Just more selfish behavior.

Wise move.
But feeling sad that this stance may cause further hurt and suffering to your family.

Hang in there IH, still praying for you all.
FAWH

Maybe let me get thru a divorce and then you and me plan the next one? What say you, OG? First round’s on me.

I say that sounds like a plan.

I'm sorry things are heating up. I think it's smart to hold your cards close to your chest.