SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

if you haven't really read her work but state that she's writing about how things are vs how they should be isn't that doing the exact thing you said should avoided - jumping to conclusions.

Knowing I've read only a portion of her work keeps me flexible in evaluating her ideas. It keeps me ready to change my evaluation as I read/see more of her.

I hope and expect SIers keep their minds open, but some statements look like they are not open to change, which is why I wrote.

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It makes sense to me that WSes think unmet needs motivate their infidelities, And it makes sense to report the excuses. Reporting is different from supporting and/or agreeing. We all have unmet needs, though. What matters is what one does to get those needs met.

To me, she offered hope. She let me know that not only monsters cheat. Sometimes generally good family oriented people lose their way and cheat anyway.

This is exactly what I got out of it too. It was a powerful thing for me to come to terms with. I read this 18 months ago and it actually was a turning point not only in identifying big shame I was still carrying but it was a turning point in my reconciliation over my husbands affair.

You see, the shame I felt over my affair extended into feeling shame about his. That I somehow caused it, that maybe I was a bad person and therefore attracted someone like me. It was very healing for me to see that until I could give myself more compassion I was never going to be able to give him compassion. Making space for that was a big factor in making my way back to embracing happiness again. Finally feeling like I deserved to be able to let in the good emotions reatger than continuing to focus on the bad.

I also agree, most of her messaging is really the same as other books but the way she identifies so much with the ws makes her write about it differently. In other books I read it was more about the bs and contrition, where as she embraces the humanness in the ws.

I completely agree with miserylikescompany. EP helped me realize that my life wasn’t a freak show and that my husband, although deeply flawed and doing something horribly hurtful was not beyond redemption and still had value. He wasn’t all bad and in fact offered a lot of good to the world too. EP explains affairs in a way that does not excuse them, but acknowledges that they are one of many hurtful things that aren’t uncommon in humans. I know I am in the minority here too, but there are other things mentally f’ed up spouses do to harm the family or marriage that I think are equally awful. These aren’t excusable either, but very common.

If her information is absorbed after the BS has already established a strong framework of no blameshifting, no more lies, no minimization, and no rugsweeping she has some useful nuggets.

I think without that strong framework in mind, she does come off as an apologist for cheaters.

I’ve read two of her books, watched and read interviews and listened to several podcast series.

I am in two minds about her.

I have heard her hold up a mirror to waywards and give them a reality check. I think she is rather good at it.

One of her sayings is along the lines that that relationships change and the really fortunate or wise amongst us manage to have those several relationships with the same spouse. I like the sentiment.

But perhaps those softer lines HO was mentioning are incompatible with other useful things.

After reading Esther Perel’s books I read Shirley Glass’ book Not Just Friends, and it felt like my great Aunt had returned to slap some sense into people, saying ‘what the hell is going on here!’. I needed that.

Whereas I abandoned EP’s last season of podcasts when she was trying to counsel a seemingly very nice young man about how to reconcile with his bisexual partner whilst she was being completely ambivalent about being faithful going forwards. I was just thinking, you could walk into a crowded room and choose a person at random and find a person better than this, you’re young, go.

But perhaps those softer lines HO was mentioning are incompatible with other useful things.

I totally agree.

That is why I would never say she is good for affair recovery. Like thisisfine said, you need a stronger framework and then you can maybe benefit from some of her nuggets.

I am certain if I read that as a new ws, and tried to use any of it, it would not have been beneficial for reconciliation. If you are a new ws looking for an out, she provides some of that. Her identification with the ws makes me believe she was one.

Though, I can see how my compassion has changed when I post to ws here in the forum, and I can see why she is careful not to shame them. There is enough shame surrounding the ws, for them to take a different path they have to shed that at some point. So I idenifty with her practice but it skips what I think of as the accountability stage that leads to remorse. In that way I think the shame can be useful. For someone to change they have to feel they can’t stay where they are, and that shame is the pain that can move the needle. But at some point, it has to be shed because the needle can only move so far tied to it.