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Justsomeguy, you reinforce my points on this forum that personalities do not change. We get better at hiding things as we age but we remain the same. The only time we might see a change is when someone becomes mentally ill.
This man’s shrug that, "oops I did a bad thing" does not ring true. It was his whole adult life. I do not think a chat with a therapist is going to fix him. This is who he is and what he does.

I'm convinced that people CAN change. But that's neither here nor there. What matters to each BS is: will my WS change?

So NandB, do you think your H will make the fundamental changes necessary to create an M that serves you both?

And what do you want? Each of us has their deal breakers. I think 21 years of a double life would send me to the D court, but is that a deal breaker for you? What do you wnat to give and receive from M? Do you think your WS will want to receive and give enough?

Do you want to grow old with your WS as he is now? 'Cause you have to be prepared for him not to change.

I just wish my H could say why he’s done this. He didn’t fancy me anymore. Or he fancied the OW more. The sex was better with her. Or whatever it is that tells me why. But all he says is that he doesn’t know why when he’s always had everything he wants at home.

Your instincts are correct. You need to know why because w/o knowing the initial situation/mood/first step, it's almost impossible to feel safe anymore.

Maybe instead of asking him why, maybe probe how he first met or saw her, what he thought of her. Or if this was a slow burn type of thing or a fast, no strings type thing.

Actually, I think it would be a great thing if you told him to start a diary beginning with the first day he saw/met or heard of her. First touch, where, time of day, etc. And then a diary for every year. Write down vacations together, presents, restaurants, jewelry, flowers, clothes bought. Movies seen, etc.

I'm curious if he could do that.

[This message edited by MarjiLann at 4:54 AM, Saturday, December 14th]

Many will tell you that his why for doing it was simply "he wanted to" and that is at face value undeniable. What I needed answered and what I suspect many people really mean when they ask the question is "WHY did you want to? What is so disturbed inside of him that found living a lying double life so appealing?" I needed to know the answer to this question and it helped with my healing although I never really understood how his emotionally immature stunted mind worked. I still needed answers whether I stayed or divorced. A therapist helped me realize what I really needed to ask. It was not simply why,, but why did you want to?

Thank you, Justsomeguy and Cooley2here, you’re both right: I don’t know him and I don’t think I ever have. Which is pretty frightening when you think I’ve been with for almost 30 years. I find it quite disturbing they he has hidden this other side of him from me for 3/4 of the time we’ve been together.

Sisoon, I also think that a 21 year relationship is a deal breaker. I wanted to grow old with who I thought he was and the person I thought I was married to – not the person I have found him out to be.

MarjiLann, thank you so much, I will definitely ask him this as I think if he can think about all of that it might help.
He tells me they only they met for sex at her workplace or at her house. That sometimes they would meet for a coffee of for breakfast before work, at a motorway service station. How romantic. Said that he never took her anywhere or bought her anything. He’s quite adamant about that.
I’ve quizzed him and quizzed him and he remains firm about that.

OnTheOtherSideOfHell, thank you. That’s so helpful and I will definitely ask him this.

Numb, I do not have the right to tell you what to do. Your husband hurt you down to the core of your being. It probably feels like it altered your DNA it is so overwhelming.

My h cheated while traveling. Might have been co-workers or prostitutes. I have no idea. I was told he was cheating. He did not know I knew. I confronted him years later and he admitted it. I never asked another question because he and I now own a business and he no longer travels.

I have thought often about morals. In the Mideast women can be stoned to death for being raped. In the US we had slaves. Most of us are appalled at both those horrors but there is no recourse for a person being lied to, cheated on, emotionally manipulated and made to feel foolish and small. Yet, in some instances, bs have felt suicidal from years of emotional mistreatment.

What I hope for you is peace of mind however you can find it. I don’t think you will find it in answers he gives you. You will find it once time has passed and you are living with whatever choices you make. You do need to make sure you ask for help from a dr if you need something for anxiety and sleeplessness.

Thank you Cooley. I am so sorry you have been through what you have. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same after this but hopefully I’ll come out of it stronger 🫶🏼