SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The act of having an affair changes people and all those surrounding them. After it becomes public it changes how people, even those not directly impacted, feel about the APs in a very negative way. That changes the individuals in that tru luv relationships in ways that usually causes their new relationship to destroy itself. Your friend is not prepared for the devastation she is about to inflict on all of the people who care for her. Especially in contrast to the fact that the chance of them riding into the sunset happily ever after are dismal.

[This message edited by grubs at 7:12 PM, Friday, October 18th]

IMHO…why do you need more feedback? I cannot logically see anyone that is going to support you being a co-conspirator to this WS "friend" on this site. The only possible reason if safety was truly involved.

You know what to do. You knew the minute you posted the thread. You can justify and excuse their behavior all you want, but it just will not convince me. There is no girl/bro code, bff, etc. that needs to be upheld.

Please do the right thing.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 7:22 PM, Friday, October 18th]

This always bothers me. Of course they want to seperate and of course they want to leave the betrayed spouse in the dark at the sametime. That way the liar gets to control everything!

- they get to control the narrative, this includes all the justifications they have come up with for why they are having the affair. This almost always includes painting the loyal spouse as shit and themselves as the poor un-happy little thing Reality they dont give a shit about the well being of the loyal spouse. They are very concerned with being branded a cheater, especially female cheaters.

-they dont really want to divorce or leave their good life, they want some freedom and space to take the AP out for a long test drive to see how things go, and to see the betrayed spouse lost and pining for their prescence. They just want to be happy and do what is best for them - lying makes this all possible. The story they tell - they are already leaving their spouse and have been planning on doing so for years (funny thing their spouse is aware of none of this and will be completely blindsided)- Why should they create further harm for their spouse by burdening them with the knowledge that they have been screwing someonelse behind their back. Most likely screwing another poor unfaithful spouse who was also burdended with a shitty loyal spouse. If they are so worried about the mental wellbeing of their spouse, why do they make up a bunch of lies and rewrite marital history to make the loyal spouse look like a complete POS - The reality - they want to control everything, their betrayed spouse, their AP, the safeness in their life, the destructiveness in their life, the destructiveness in others life

- they dont want the fantasy to stop. When the lies stop reality sets in. Thats when it becomes time to pay the bill. Cheaters never want to pay the friggin bill. The reality - folks in this mind set are not very responsible, nor are they really good friends.

Personally, I dont know how you can have been what you have been through and sit their and listen to any of that bullshit. If one of my friends tried to use me as a confidant for their affair only one kind of love would follow - really tough love and probably an ass chewing that doesnt look very friendly at all. Continuing the lies or helpling hide the lies is never the answer. Your friend is a cake eater and a cheater. This sounds like stuff right out of the cheaters playbook. I would tell her to get her butt into some real help before she does anymore damage. End of story.

When your friend realizes you will not continue to support the A, they will most likely lie to you. When you give the deadline, make it clear that you *will* be contacting BS to discuss the A and offer support and advice as someone that has been through it yourself.

They will most likely, instead of coming clean, figure out a way to turn on you and try to poison the information you give the BS. This is the disadvantage of the timeline, and the longer you make the timeline, the more realistically they will be able to poison the BS against you.

If there is any way for you to gather real evidence of the A to confirm you aren't lying to the BS, you will be in better shape for this confrontation.

This0is0Fine makes a valid point. That is the drawback of the giving a deadline thing. It can [and most likely will] be used as time to get their damage control in order as opposed to their honesty.

A deadline is fine. It gives her the dignity to do the right thing. But she will lie about it, so add that you will then be having a conversation with BS regardless.

I agree with most of the others. By letting your friend keep their lie to their spouse, you are actually PARTICIPATING in the lie.

Thing about the pain the BS is in. Thwey deserve some agency about their life back.

I will add that years ago, I got let in on a friend having an affair at the tail end of a 3 year affair between her and a person I also knew. I had always been a friend to the marriage because she had been talking to me about their problems for years and I gave her lots of strategies to work on the relationship.

Well once the cat was out of the bag she told him she was with me and wasn’t. She gave me no heads up. He called and I stammered, because I didn’t know what to do in the moment. To this day when I see him I get pangs of guilt for seeming like I was part of it and I believe he probably wrongly assumes I was an enabler for three years. And she left him for Ap and married the ap- they are still married. But she had four kids with the original husband so I think about that too.

In my opinion, a true friend doesn’t put you in that position. And now a days after knowing what I know about infidelity, I do not need people with that kind of character in my life. There is a fine line between being understanding and enabling a behavior. I couldn’t enable it for one day. Even if I put their bs aside I can never believe an an affair is in anyone’s best interest. It was an incredibly damaging thing to myself.

I especially agree with Fit24’s post.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:47 PM, Friday, October 18th]

Quick update :

I did a lot of listening. I did not lose my shit and I am ok - and actually quite proud of myself. I listened which makes me feel good like the previous counseling gave me the ability to listen without attacking.

I gave my honest opinion. 100% honest. 100%! I probably even stole some of your words…. I even felt a little bad about it. They were worried I would out them —- I told them Im not doing that but they can’t live like this - they have to decide. I can’t stand by here forever. I did not give a deadline because I am a little nervous as previous poster suggested but I plan to. I’m going to hang on through the weekend but I do know I can’t let this go on. I very much appreciate the reassurance. Some of your post have kept me above water.

Fit43 … I feel like you read my mind !

Post #29

They were worried I would out them —- I told them Im not doing that but they can’t live like this - they have to decide. I can’t stand by here forever. I did not give a deadline because I am a little nervous as previous poster suggested but I plan to. I’m going to hang on through the weekend but I do know I can’t let this go on.

Well but how much longer are you going to give them? Keep in mind that the BS really can't wait either, they surely would want to have that agency in their life that is right now being denied to them. And so the BS getting the agency they deserve--that might require you in fact...outing them.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 9:53 PM, Friday, October 18th]

Something is going to give.. whether it comes from me or them time
will tell.

Within the next week I would say- No longer.

and I feel heartbroken for BS already.

I'm a bit more neutral on the topic.

I have two friends who if they told me of an affair, my first reaction would not be to tell their husband. My WH had a friend who he confided in at the start of his affair, and the friend did not talk to me. I'm upset, but I can't say I would act differently.

One friend of 40 yrs is a BS in her marriage. She has occassionally expressed that she's not happily married anymore. If she told me she was having an affair, I wouldn't concentrate on her husband's feelings. I would mention that he would be hurt. She would know that. I would focus on how the affair will likely hurt her family and her in ways she's not considering- her children's respect and mental health, her finances, danger, an AP not a prospect for a long-term relationship, etc.

Another friend is long-term friends of my husband. Her husband has been financially deceptive for years. I couldn't handle that. She does, and acknowledges it's for lifestyle reasons. I would stress to her that any affair won't at all work out in any happy manner that she envisions. Same as above. I might eventually reveal.

With both of these friends, I understand how hurt their husbands will be and how unfair it is. I also acknowledge if their marriages work out, I will probably not continue as their friend in the same manner. I'm ok with that. Really, I am not a friend of their marriages if I'm honest.

With my WH, I found out mostly through phone records. I could see how my WH was talking for a long time with one friend at the start of the affair. My WH said he confided that his AP was hitting on him and offering NSA sex. According to my WH, this friend said he wouldn't have an affair because he had too much to lose. He talked about experiences of friends who did have affairs. He didn't at all ever talk about how it would hurt me or our child. He is no friend of mine. I'm still hurt by that. He's not welcome in my house.

However, I can't say that his advice to my WH as a friend was bad. I could see in the phone records where my wH did pull back from the AP relationship after that long phone call. That is an assumption I know the truth of that call.

I will never forgive those who knew and did nothing.

This is similar to my view. Those people are dead to me and as a condition of reconciliation, they are dead to my wife as well.

I think the most important thing is to remember that her actions are not your responsibility, only your actions are your responsibility. If a stranger in a bus station tells you that they are having an affair and cheating on their spouse, you have no responsibility. If you have two friends, and one of them tell you that they are cheating on the other one, and you are friends to both of them, you have responsibility.

Once the cat is out of the bag, you have to make a choice. You either support the person who is cheating, lying, and sneaking around, or you support the person who is not.

You are already involved. Yes it sucks, but your "friend" who is cheating, that person involved you. They did this to you. I would not really consider that person "friend". Friends don't do this kind of shit to friends.

They are not a "friend". Put yourself back in your BS shoes... There is no excuse even if they plan on leaving. I see you are a established member. Do not allow rugsweeping! Believe me when I say you will regret it. What would your WS say?

[This message edited by heartbrokeninaz at 5:01 AM, Monday, October 21st]

I agree with the posters to inform the BS. I definitely would no matter the consequences to my friendship with the WS.

My second advice about the timeline being used against you was more about telling without warning as the other option. Leaving it open ended is like setting an infinite timeline. They now have forever to paint you in some sort of light to make BS hostile to info you might give them.

Any update on this situation? Please protect the heart of the betrayed.