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I don't want to derail the thread and turn this into a "You better tell the OBS!" thread, but of all reasons to avoid telling the OBS, fear of your WW getting angry and refusing to reconcile should not factor into the decision at all. If she can't handle her behavior being exposed to the other party that she has harmed, if she values her relationship and/or fond memories with the OM, and refuses to be held accountable for her actions then she is not a good candidate for reconciliation at all. Heck, if you tell OBS (without giving your WW a heads up) and she finds out right away, then you know immediately that she's still in contact with OM.

As for OM's marriage with his wife, it's just about as "fake" as yours is. I'm 99% sure that the OBS has observed odd behavior or changes to his personality over the past 4 years, as you have with your wife... only she might not have a clue what the hell is going on. It's ikely that she's raised her suspicions or concerns with OM, but keeps getting horribly manipulated and gaslit. Alternatively, she might know about the affair already, but OM has her convinced that you're an abusive psychopath behind closed doors (a common lie used by WHs who want to cover their asses and protect their OW) so telling you the truth would be dangerous to their family.

Although I generally don't like comparing infidelity to addiction, if there is one thing that cheaters and addicts have in common it's that they don't stop unless they've really suffered consequences for their actions. If they are coddled and enabled, if they don't aren't forced to make difficult changes, or if they're, at worst, rewarded for their behavior by their BS carrying the entire burden of infidelity and fighting to win them back, then they will never stop.

Lastly, kissing another woman while your wife is pregnant is despicable behavior, but her getting "revenge" on you certainly didn't help things... it just created more fodder for future resentment. Would she tolerate you having a 4-year affair to get back at her? My guess is no.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:49 PM, Saturday, August 3rd]

Sir, so sorry you are facing this travesty...again.

I must admit that as I read your posts, my head was spinning a bit. This is what therapists call a "complex case". Youve revealed previous betrayals on both of your parts (SI refers to like couples as "mad hatters"), exercise addiction, eating disorder and alcolholism. Any one of these issues would be cause for deep concern and would be the therapeutic labor of years. Taken together, she may well need in-patient treatment to begin with.

You need to approach this by putting your own recovery well being first. You will need to approach this long term from a position of strength, clarity and health and that is going to take a lot of work as well. Her recovery and righting of her own life is 100% on her. You cannot save her from herself.

Im not going to sugar coat this. There is a lot of "poison in the pot", a long term affair being a major component. Can you overcome? Anythings possible. Only you will know if it is probable as you both put in the work.

Another thing Ill point out:

Despite all the pain and anger towards her, I couldn't imagine letting the world know what had happened. I also can't imagine being without her, or navigating kids, family, etc

.

This thinking will not serve you well. This is the fear of further loss and it will keep you from taking needed strong action. Do not let the fear of further loss rule over your thinking and actions. It may well rob you even further than you have been already. Talk this over specifically with your therapist. You may also benefit from alanon as I am catching some serious enmeshment on your part.

Seek out all the help you can get and keep posting here.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 5:27 PM, Saturday, August 3rd]