SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thumos, how was Thanksgiving? The birthday. If memory serves, November is your "d-month" - I put it that way because I believe the sex in the home occurred some time early or mid-November, and you knew in your gut that they were doing it, in real time, but your confirmation came later in the month after you gathered VAR data.

Thanksgiving and my birthday were better than I'd hoped.

The entire holiday season is now one of turmoil for me because it coincides with the anti-versary, the course of WW's affair, and D-Day right before Christmas in 2016 (the failed polygraph in 2019 also happened only days before Christmas; my WW seems to have a knack for this timing).

That said, I guess I've reached more of the stage of "meh" than a year or two ago. The birthday party for my 50th was truncated by COVID (we are in a hotspot) but I still had a party thrown by my siblings.

My WW organized it, and there was a slide show of my past 50 years during which my WW got very weepy. I assume this is because it has begun to sink in for her that she's married to a quality man she disregarded and treated casually and cruelly. I don't take any pleasure or satisfaction in this, because of the fallout for our family. But it's the only thing I can think of for her reaction.

Thanksgiving was also hosted by my siblings and also quite fun to be around them and their kids and my in-law siblings.

I made the rather counterintuitive decision to start a Whole 30 commitment the day after T-giving and so far, so good.

A lot of damn cooking, but I'm skilled in the kitchen so I'm up for that and have been doing batch cooking.

No alcohol, sugar, fake sweeteners, grains, legumes or dairy until Christmas. I don't eat a lot of sugar, but drink plenty of diet sodas and had fallen back into a gluten-ish diet. Plus, despite my attempts to cut back previously, too much alcohol on a weekly basis to be able to maintain the fitness goals I have for myself.

I'm doing this as a present for myself to basically get one big step ahead of all those "New Year's resolutions."

I am thinking much more clearly (or at least it seems that way) my skin looks great and I'm sleeping like a baby. I don't seem to have as many mood swings about my WW the past several days. I don't like the idea of divorce, but I'm calmer about it and very accepting of the fact that this is the right move for me. And that I would just be torturing myself by continuing to draw this out.

I intend to be in tip top physical shape in the New Year as I move forward with divorce.

I don't know exact timing as that still depends on getting our house where I want it and debt paid down.

My WW has taken no action since finding out I've seen an attorney other than to step up the perfect wife stuff and the sex. I know her whereabouts and it would be very difficult for her to procure an attorney without my knowing.

I would still like a mediated amicable divorce.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:20 PM, December 1st (Tuesday)]

I don't take any pleasure or satisfaction in this

That's because you're a good and decent man, wishing you everything Thumos.

Not sure I'm allowed to post here, oh well....

I have a feeling your wife will only realize what she’s lost when you’re gone. Sad, but I think you’re doing the right thing.

From your post I looked up the Whole 30 program. Wow what a time of year to try that!!

What are you looking for that diet to achieve?

Not to T/J my own thread but the question was asked so...

I’m surprised at day 6 that it isn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I’m a helluva cook and I can cook fast (knife skills, pan tossing, all the basic techniques and mother sauces and so on) so I can see how it would be more difficult for people with less experience in a kitchen. You have to cook and meal prep a lot more.

I’m not looking to lose a ton of weight. I’m pretty muscular so weight is more because of muscle mass. I weigh 240 and I’m just shy of 6 feet tall but no one IRL would say I’m overweight. I have a fun party trick where I can sink to the bottom of a pool like a rock and lay down flat and never float 😂 Although I would like to be less than 230 as an ideal weight for my body type.

I’m looking to massively reduce inflammation overall and find out which foods trigger reactions in my body. I’ll be able to add foods back in right around Christmas, and I can slowly figure out which things are the worst for me.

Like many other BH’s I drank much more heavily in the past four years than ever in my adult life (was always a light drinker unless you count college days). I developed a taste for bourbon and never liked whiskey before.

I find whole 30 to be a tidy package that gets rid of alcohol but a lot of other stuff we all know to be irritants in our bodies.

In social settings I can say “sorry I’m doing whole 30.” In my line of work there’s social drinking — too much IMO. It’s easy to fall into that. .

I’m not a bodybuilder exactly and have no interest in that but I seem to have a natural tendency to pack on muscle and lose body fat when I take care of myself. So the Whole 30 is really about truly taking care of myself and living physically the way I think God intended for me.

All that sounds impressive, especially having the mad chef skills. One last question: how do you know you have inflammation and where?

I think I have/had inflammation this past year because of:

-Heavier drinking catching up with me. Not getting sauced but drinking more nights of the week than I should the past four years as a way of self-medicating and numbing myself out.

-Chest pain which led to a bad EKG, being told I'd had a heart attack and multiple weeks of tests with a cardiologist earlier this year. I was given the all clear and have a good heart, but it was enough to frighten me and think about my priorities.

-Kind of overall puffiness and redness in the face. Not bad, probably not noticeable to most people but noticeable to me. I'll admit I'm a bit vain bc I have natural good looks. I don't want to ruin that. That's not a humble brag; it's just the way it is IRL.

-A general feeling of not as much energy, fatigue etc. Mental clarity not as sharp.

-Weight gain and bloating beyond what has been normal for me. Above 240. Ideally I need to be below 230.

-Acid reflux

Also, this is probably a good time for me to suggest that in addition to Whole 30, I'm trying to clear space and dump other bad habits.

SI is in no way a bad habit, and it's allowed me to journal my journey, think out loud and help others. I'm not leaving -- not at all, which I know will disappoint some -- but will probably be posting lighter over the next several weeks as part of an overall effort to do a social and news media fast along with the physical "fasting" of Whole 30.

Be well everybody!

It is good that you have taken positive control.

One thing you are likely already aware of-

Your WW is a denier. She is a master of trying to force a fake reality to be real. When those worlds are finally forced to 100% destroy one another, there will be an explosion.

Your reality(the actual reality) is real...and the D is real. She can pretend that her love bombing and wifey behavior will stop the D and give herself the fantasy hope that her fake reality will prevail...but once it becomes impossible, there are going to be fireworks in a bad way from her.

You likely know better than anyone, what that might look like...but she will feel like the victim as she will opine that she "Tried her best to make it right and you are the bad guy for not accepting her solution to fix it"...and she will feel morally justified in doing bad things to the bad guy who D'd the newly perfect wife.

Just FYI....keep the back plate in your armor as knives fit there nicely.

Walkinghome, very perceptive. I think you're spot on.

It's like you're living it with me, it's that accurate.

It's because most infidelity situations aren't that special or unique. Whenever I point this out, some get very defensive on this point, but I think you know what I'm talking about.

Great observations and something I needed to read today. Thank you.

A few quick updates:

1. You’re not supposed to weigh on the whole 30 program but I’ve lost 15 pounds in 17 days. No joke. That positive feedback is keeping me going. It’s remarkably fast but I don’t feel I’ve lost much muscle mass. I feel great already.

2. Dec 12 was DDAY anti-versary. I was triggering hard and had kind of forgotten it was that day and then it dawned on me. The body knows. I didn’t bring it up and WW didn’t say one word about it. I waited to see if she would. I think that’s pretty classic rugsweeping.

3. This isn’t exactly a stunning set of observations but I had an epiphany this morning in my own case that after the sex with our AP in our home (the ultimate betrayal of marital sanctity after I had already soft confronted her with phone records) — and then the trickle truth, hiding and destroying evidence, foot dragging and blameshifting after DDAY — I simply can’t be a good husband to her who is “all in,” and she could be the best spouse on the planet from here on out but that won’t change how I feel.

I’ll always know she’s very likely still lying and still protecting that bubble. So as much as I can be friendly and sexual with her I’ll always be holding myself back from her, triggering around her and feeling twisted in knots about what she did and left open and gaping and unresolved.

I’m going to try to help her understand this when I sit her down to tell her after the holidays that I’m ready to move forward with D. But I’m not gonna try very hard. She should get it by now.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:45 PM, December 15th (Tuesday)]

I simply can’t be a good husband to her who is “all in,” and she could be the best spouse on the planet from here on out but that won’t change how I feel.

I guess when you know this, I mean really know this. Then you only have one choice

I’ll always know she’s very likely still lying and still protecting that bubble. So as much as I can be friendly and sexual with her I’ll always be holding myself back from her, triggering around her and feeling twisted in knots about what she did and left open and gaping and unresolved.

So sad after all this time that she still thinks this is going to go away if you pretend it didn’t happen or doesn’t tell you the truth. You would’ve thought the D bomb would have woken her up by I guess not. Maybe she doesn’t believe you will go through with it?

I’m going to try to help her understand this when I sit her down to tell her after the holidays that I’m ready to move forward with D. But I’m not gonna try very hard. She should get it by now.

Not like you haven’t tried already. Your wife sounds intelligent and plenty capable of understating if she wants to. Doesn’t strike me from what I read as a narcissist so the mind boggles at what she thinks this strategy is going to yield. Maybe there is something she hanging on to which in her mind is certain D so she hangs into it. I’ll be interested to see how she reacts when you serve D papers and as to whether this changes anything.

Wishing you strength for the next phase of your journey brother.

2D

Edited to say : oh and December 12th can get f*cked. Never ceases to amaze me the number of similarities between our situations. It’s almost like future me is posting here to get my attention and wake me the f*ck up.

[This message edited by TwoDozen at 7:04 AM, December 16th (Wednesday)]

Thumos, glad to see you continue to gain clarity. I think you’ve had quite a bit of it for almost a year now, but anytime you gain more I presume that’s a good thing.

I think whether or not your WW gets it is well trodden ground. I personally believe she gets it, but won’t let go of the last bit of truth for some reason. Previously, I thought it was that she believed it ensured D, but if she continues to hold onto it as D becomes clearer and clearer it might be something else. Can you think of something that would be worse than D to her? If there is something more painful/harmful to her than a D, perhaps that’s related to what she’s clinging to. Self image? Standing in the community? I imagine both will take a hit in the D as you’ll not help her lie about the reason for D. Would those take a worse hit if she divulged the full truth and you D’ed anyway?

She’s a hard case, but that’s becoming less and less of your problem.

If there is something more painful/harmful to her than a D, perhaps that’s related to what she’s clinging to. Self image? Standing in the community? I imagine both will take a hit in the D as you’ll not help her lie about the reason for D. Would those take a worse hit if she divulged the full truth and you D’ed anyway?

This is exactly what I wanted to write but couldn’t quite put into words. This is the exact same thing that has gone through my mind in my own situation. Wants R but doesn’t really believe R will happen because X so holds onto X because X will make D more painful. Does not believe that there is high enough chance that divulging X will avoid D.

Can you think of something that would be worse than D to her? If there is something more painful/harmful to her than a D, perhaps that’s related to what she’s clinging to. Self image? Standing in the community? I imagine both will take a hit in the D as you’ll not help her lie about the reason for D. Would those take a worse hit if she divulged the full truth and you D’ed anyway?

The only thing I can really puzzle out is it's "more" - more sex, exchanged "I love you's," tore me down more. Or perhaps a combination of all three. And she's now backed herself into a corner. The attendant thought I've had with this is it's important to her how I see her in my eyes.

I remember so often the first year or so, she would say something like "don't look at me that way." If I was near a mirror, I'd do a quick glance and see just a normal impassive look on my face. So what was actually happening was that when we made eye contact she could see the pain and she could see how she was reflected and didn't like it. So she's holding on to the final bit of truth because it's more important to her that I don't know, even if we're divorced.

That's really the only thing I can puzzle out.

Practical questions:

1. I'm thinking of using PODS to pack stuff and store it for a few months while I figure out where I want to live. Has anyone done this and found it useful? Any tips on this?

2. Temp living situation would be in a furnished corporate apartment, with, as I said above, most of my stuff in a PODS unit storage. Has anyone done this and found it liveable? Again any tips?

I'm unsure of whether a corporate apt is livable for my son for visitation. I guess I'll have to go visit a few.

3. What are some other items like the above I should be thinking as I plan ahead?

ETA: In case anyone is wondering why I would want to move out of the home, it's because it's where the affair happened. When I'm done here, I'm done here and don't want to be here.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:27 PM, December 16th (Wednesday)]

I’m going to try to help her understand this when I sit her down to tell her after the holidays that I’m ready to move forward with D. But I’m not gonna try very hard. She should get it by now.

Thumos, honestly... it is not worth having any more long convos with her or trying to get her to 'get it'. She knows exactly what she has done and she doesn't give a shit, or you wouldn't be here now.

If she is holding on to any other truths, what does it really matter at this point? I am not trying to sound... bitchy (?). But how would knowing any further things about your wife's affair help you to heal? Because just my 0.02, but your healing and moving forward with your life weighs far more than whatever lies she is still clinging to. I get it - I found out about my xwh's sleepover in my house with his twatlet the day we separated. I wanted to call him too. But the truth of the matter was that it didn't matter wtf he did. The fact that I knew he did anything was all the truth I needed. I never got a straight story out of him, and even IF he wasn't a ball-less coward and had a real convo with me, I wouldn't have trusted a word he said anyways after all his bullshit.

Save your energy for YOU - you deserve it a fuck-ton more than she does.

Have you considered going into a marriage councilor session to tell her you are proceeding with the divorce. It might benefit you to talk to someone and get things lined out to help her deal with it when it comes. You know once you tell her she will have questions and if you have some answers already figured out along with someone else to help explain it to her it could make the next step forward in this process alot easier. It also looks better if you were to end up in court fighting her over things.

On the note of bonding I would start to pull away from that all together. It will take a while to really deal with that and the last thing you want to do is be unfair to her as well as yourself.

Have you written things out on how things will be separated or your thoughts on how they will be. The more you have prepared and put out in a reasonable fashion the less she will fight over the unknown.

If she ask why I would just write them out before and pass that sheet over to her. If she still doesn't understand the therapist can help explain.

I think some of the things you said in your post are what I would list. One her refusing to be honest and allowing herself to be vulnerable to you. Her choosing to ignore the past instead of coming to you to see if you need anything or how she can help you especially on the anniversary dates. All she is continuing to do is show its al about her just like it was when she was cheating and hiding it. Hopefully the therapist can help explain that to her and help her see that its time to move on from that.

I am really sorry you are having to go through this. I can't even imagine the pain you and others are going through these days with everything else in the world seeming like it on fire as well.

I have been researching VRBO and Airbnb for options. There seem to be some good ones, perhaps a bit more expensive than corporate apartments but in better areas with a more homey feel. Did anyone else go this route for temporary living arrangements?

Thumos,

I’ve followed your story from the beginning and occasionally made observations and suggestions. If you are firm about moving forward with the D after the holidays, it’s time to stop having sex with you WW. This along with holding her when she cries is just sending mixed messages. You’ve said many times that you don’t want to hurt your WW more than necessary on the way out. Having HB type sex with her now and being the consoling H will do just that. Time for some version of the 180.

Regardless of how you choose to make your departure your wayward wife will be hurt.

Your departure ends the fantasy. Your departure proves she has no control over the narrative any more than she does over you.

She is a selfish person in the extreme. It won't matter how you attempt to cushion the blow, she will react badly.

Take precautions and prepare for the worst. You will not be able to reason with her. If that were possible you would have likely been on the road to reconciliation/recovery 4 years after the fact. Instead she has done her best to downplay, ignore and rugsweep the damage.