SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am doing a little better, although things are up and down.

I keep seeing my new IC, will see her tonight, and things are really good there. She pushes me, but allows me to guide the conversation. I always cry my eyes out in there but leave feeling a little freer. She's helping me look more honestly at some of the stuff that guided my decisions for my whole life and I think it's helping.

I had drinks with OBS this week and it was good. He seems to blame WH more than his own WW, saying she is naïve and easily led. I reminded him and showed him every text she sent me for the last year, mostly initiated by her and not while WH was sitting next to her directing her. She did that on her own. I understand he is going through his own process though and just want to help where I can. Based on his info, I think WH and AP are living together, which I suspected. I thought that would hurt more than it does.

OBS did reveal another interesting fact and I'll try to tell this without getting into politics. WH absolutely hates a certain politician to the point he won't be friends with anyone who supports this person. OBS told me AP voted for this person. As WH loves to talk politics, I wonder when this will come out? From what I know of AP, I'm sure she'll frame it as she was young and dumb and didn't have the guidance of smart, strong WH to show her the way. Still, it makes me chuckle. It also reminds me how little these people actually have in common. I can't imagine this will end well, which mostly doesn't matter to me. I don't want to R, I knew from the moment he revealed the affair I couldn't, but it doesn't stop me from wanting him to want me.

I did have a rougher day on Sunday. I went to my dad's to watch the game and have dinner and while sitting in the living room I noticed a number of photos of WH and I on our happiest days, engagement, wedding, etc. So, I took them off the wall and told my dad about it. My cousin suggested she and I do a bunch of 1980's style awkward family photos of the 2 of us to replace the pictures and I think that's a great idea.

WH is moving the remainder of his stuff out on Saturday. I have a bridal shower to attend and will not be there, so my cousin is going to be there to make sure everything is copacetic. I think I will be both glad and sad to have his stuff gone. There isn't much left anyway, but I sense it will feel more final.

On a more positive note, I had a second date with that guy and it was great! Again, things are casual, but we had a lovely time and finished with a lovely kiss, my first first kiss in 17 years. I'm taking things very slow, but I like him and I wasn't sure I could do that. He seems to like me too and that feels nice after so long of being neglected (I now realize I was) by WH.

I'm also about 1/3 of the way through Journey from Abandonment to Healing and it's really helping, too. Plus, I've found some great podcasts about infidelity and divorce.

LOOK.AT.YOU! You are doing it right! Congratulations on being the adult! It is no longer your circus and they are no longer your monkeys. Keep on keeping on.

Wow! Congratulations on many fronts there, BallofAnxiety!

You are further ahead than I was at this point of my recovery, to be sure. I am very happy for you that you are enjoying the company of a gentleman, and that you can have some chuckles at your ex’s expense. (Though I wouldn’t be surprised if he already knows and simply "turned a blind eye" towards the OW’s political views….justifying it because he’s "in lurv". )

It’s good to hear that your counseling is also going well. (I just made myself an appointment for the 24th…will be the first one since the marriage counselor tried to help us "save our marriage". )

You are doing so much better that I was at this stage. I was still fighting through a false R—that I really didn’t believe in.

Good luck with your IC, Woundid!

On Saturday WH came to collect the rest of his stuff. Like the last time, I left the house and my cousin was there waiting. I went to a friend's bridal shower. About an hour in I get a frantic call from my cousin that one of my dogs was hurt, so I rushed home and saw WH for the first time since he revealed the affair. He carried the dog to the car and me and my cousin took her to the emergency vet. No worries, she's fine, just cut her paw and has to wear a cone of shame for a little while.

At the time I didn't feel anything about it or him, but I've started to have feelings about it. We didn't really say anything to one another. I still don't understand how he has had no desire to fix or save the relationship. Not that I really do, either, but it's still hard to believe he would just throw it all away.

People that cheat are very good at compartmentalization . They can throw out people that no longer serve a purpose . Helps them with the guilt . Your purpose in his life is long done, he cannot afford to look back and does not want to feel like a scum bag. He wants to feel good , he wants to feel that he did the right thing. You now represent someone that resonates with something negative and selfish he did. He loves himself too much to feel like a scumbag.

Your feelings are normal for a normal compassionate human being. You seem to be handling things exceptionally well. Hope the dating is going well !

Hi BallofAnxiety,

I can appreciate that this situation is still a struggle for you, with much pain, confusion, hurt and devestated feelings.
But please be encouraged, there are so many things that you are doing that appear to be moving you out of infidelity.

I'm glad to hear that your dog is fine.
I must admit that when I saw your comment

No worries, she's fine, just cut her paw and has to wear a cone of shame for a little while

I did wonder if the vet had a husband size cone of shame.
My comment may be a little mean, but I am another who doesn't like the way that he has treated you.
He is 45 years old and the WW is a 25 year old - seriously!

We hope that you have many more good days as you adjust to your "new normal,
Hang in there,
FAWH.

How are you doing, Ball of Anxiety?

Haven’t heard any updates in a while.

I hope you are doing well.

Bump by request

I figured it was time to provide an update.

Things have definitely been up and down in the last 3 months.

I continued dating a number of people and was very pleased to discover my fears about being alone forever were completely unfounded. I had many dates with many lovely men, had interesting and exciting new experiences, and for the last month I have been seeing one man exclusively. That has been both better and more difficult than I expected. He is very understanding of my situation and seems to have a secure attachment style which helps my anxious attachment. On the other hand I have semi-frequent panics often with no obvious cause. I will feel that tight, fight-or-flight feeling in my chest and I have to talk myself down, which only works sometimes. I remind myself that even if he were to dump me today I will be OK. I have been through much worse just this year and I can easily survive it. The problem is my BODY doesn't know that even though my head does. I have learned a lot lately about the body's physiological response to trauma and that is clearly what is happening, my limbic system (the part designed to watch for threats) is over-activated and I'm seeing threats to my safety everywhere. It has very little to do with this person and almost everything to do with the STBXH's betrayal, rejection, and blindsiding me. I feel like this is hypervigilance, where I'm looking for any sign he might be about to hurt me. I have purchased The Body Keeps the Score and will start reading it soon.

Which leads me to the next thing, I think I've really entered the anger phase. I can't think of the ex without the next thoughts being, "I fucking hate you." I am angry that what he did to me caused such trauma it's disrupting my current relationship. I'm angry that I feel like I have to start over; all I wanted was a secure, committed relationship and he took that from me, forcing me to start at square one if I ever want to have that again. I'm angry that he's off living with AP and having a perfectly happy time, has suffered ZERO consequences for his actions, and I experience panic attacks when my body gets scared I'll be rejected suddenly again.

I still have not heard from him outside of a few emails dealing with financial stuff. While I am glad about that and it has really facilitated healing, I am angry and ashamed he hasn't attempted to reach out. I feel ashamed bc there's a part of me that feels I'm not good enough to bother fighting for. I don't want him back, AT ALL, it just hurts he doesn't care.

Financially, I'm starting to worry a bit. I've had 2 months in a row where my account has been about $1,000 lower at the end of the month than the beginning. I'm reducing costs as much as I can, but it's really hard. I'm also looking for a new job. I love my current job but it doesn't pay as well as others for which I'm qualified. That's another thing I'm pissed about, I made many, many choices with the impression we were a team and it turns out I was alone the whole time. He and AP still have 2 incomes.

BOA, I have been thinking of you and wondering how you were doing.

Lot of positive updates from you ! It’s not easy to put yourself out in the dating world specially with infidelity trauma. So pat yourself in the back for that. I say live it up !

The anger you are experiencing is probably a normal reaction now that the initial shock of what he did has subsided. You have been treated unfairly and you should be angry. I would direct that anger to something helpful for you. Like Kick boxing, working on a getting a higher paying job, anything ! He is not worthy of any emotions/ time from your precious life.

It’s not uncommon for women to feel settled in a lower paying but comfortable job when we are married. I am so guilty of that too. It’s never too late to push yourself for a better opportunity. You also have the freedom to move wherever an opportunity comes up unlike before.

And your WH and AP might be having a good time now but how stable can the relationship between two unreliable, immoral, impulsive people be? Their love is tainted and dirty.

Take care BOA. I hope to read more updates from you.