SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@15yrs

I read all of your different threads and I wish you nothing but the best! I don't think it is right for your BH to have a 6 month PA (2 wrongs don't make a right) also why would he be doing that if he is divorcing you?

Now, I'm not sure but reading your OP maybe your husband after you finally came totally true to him may actually in his eyes see you betrayal as occurring 3 times.

From your own comments: 1)For the six first months of my relationship with H I was also having sex with OM. H expressed he wanted us to be exclusive I agreed but didn't follow through. I continued my PA with OM and I lied and hid it from H. 2)After H and I became an official couple I had sex with OM one more time. Then I stopped seeing OM. But I never told H about my PA. 3)Fast Forward 7 years, it was my 10 year high school reunion. An ex from high school reached out to me. I didn't shut it down and I developed and EA with him. And I never saw this guy in person, I truly didn't know shit about him. But I did allow myself to have a have 4 week EA with him. It all ended when H found a post I put online, expressing feeling for him. I lied about my feelings for EA.

Finally, you said in your 8th post down in this thread you made this statement and I quote: "Since I've been married I've been 100% faithful."

If you made this statement to your BH I would think he probably does as well others see this as a lie. I'm sorry but in mine and I think most peoples mind see a 4 week EA as cheating and not being faithful to your marriage. One last thing I would advise you to come clean on and be totally truthful with your BH if you haven't already for this reason you said in one of your later post that you and your BH were going to schedule a polygraph test. I can about guarantee you three questions that you most likely be ask. One did you ever tell either your AP or your EA that you loved them. Did you ever have any other inappropriate EA's or PA's other than the two you have already admitted? Also, did you ever perform any sex acts with your AP that you refused or never have done with your husband. If you have not answered these questions yet or lied about them you better come clean to your BH before you go through the poly if you want to have any hope of starting over with your BH. Best of luck! I think you are truly remorseful and wish you nothing but the best.

[This message edited by HappilyMarried1 at 1:04 AM, April 28th (Wednesday)]

Happily,

I quote it "Since I've been married I've been 100% faithful."

This statement is true, BH and I got engaged and married after my EA. And I've never been unfaithful since I got married.

I have come clean on everything. I know the questions my BH is going to ask at the poly.

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 1:07 AM, April 28th (Wednesday)]

@15yrs

Thanks for clearing that up about the EA. So I guess you guys just lived together a number of years before actually marrying.

Did he actually ask you if you said ILY to either of the guys and also the other about doing things with your PA that you won't or haven't done with your BH (trust me even if he hasn't ask you this he is thinking about it). If so on either trust me he may not admit it to you but those two things are very hard for a man to recover from. Another thing that he may not admit but is thinking that really hurts him is his self-confidence with his ability to please you. His thinking is I must not be able to fully satisfy her or she would not have continued the one relationship or started the other one. Again those two areas really hurt a guys ego.

I just wanted to give you that from a guys perspective we find it hard to admit these feelings sometimes especially to our partner.

[This message edited by HappilyMarried1 at 1:16 AM, April 28th (Wednesday)]

Thanks for clearing that up about the EA. So I guess you guys just lived together a number of years before actually marrying.

9 years.

Did he actually ask you if you said ILY to either of the guys and also the other about doing things with your PA that you won't or haven't done with your BH (trust me even if he hasn't ask you this he is thinking about it).

I never said ILY to either. In fact I never admit to PA that I had feeling for him. PA just well used me for sex.

other about doing things with your PA that you won't or haven't done with your BH

Yeah BH has experienced more of me than anyone else.

His thinking is I must not be able to fully satisfy her or she would not have continued the one relationship or started the other one. Again those two areas really hurt a guys ego.

Yes he as expressed this in his own way.

@15yrs

Thanks for answering everything. I truly think you are very remorseful for your actions just continue to show him how much you really hate the way you have hurt him, your relationship, and your family. That you will spend the rest of your life trying to gain back his trust in you and that you want nothing more than to spend the rest of your life with him. I wish you nothing but the best and I hope you get a 2nd chance.

I think you are trying your best and thats all anyone can do. Im sure the Bs is trying his best too. Who can blame him for wanting to talk about D terms after serial disappointments.

Whether you D or R taking responsibility for your past actions is a huge part of allowing yourself to grow into the stronger person you can be .

I mean this gently , he probably wishes right now that he had left you after the EA , it probably did taint your value in his eyes and honestly after a certain devaluation the WS does have to leave , because there may be nothing healthy left in it for either party .

I have no idea what your value to him is right now or where you will be in 6 mnths but its best to keep your expectations realistic . Not every marriage is built to last even without cheating .

BH wants to cancel the lawyer meeting for next week. I can't express how much it meant when he said to cancel the meeting.

I know there is still a lot of work ahesd of us but he wants to focus on R and he sees me doing the same.

Glad to hear the good news.

Hello I'm a BH new to the site, and I have to say I admire your willingness to stand up and defend your BH against the kneejerk accusations many on this thread have levelled against him. You may not have been a faithful partner, but you do seem loyal, and that counts for something.

And I do think there is something to the quality of the sex you gave your affair partner. Yeah you may have done a greater variety of things with BH, but that BJ means something to your BH, even if the rest of us may think it is petty. I recommend you explore why you felt free to express yourself sexually in that way with your AP right off the bat, but only offered that particular act infrequently to your BH. You need to come up with some logical and believable reason for him.

I think that is fair. We should never stop honest reflection even if it means arriving to conclusions that would be unsettling or generally unfavored. Although the explanation she offered was logical and could be believable on its face by a party that was not already questioning the veracity of her answers:

My feelings about blowjobs came from my first boyfriend, I was 18 then... He would get mad and yell at me if I didn't want to give him one. So because I hate anger/conflict I would give him BJs. I never gave highschool BF bj to completion and he would tell me I was bad at giving BJs. And he made me feel terrible about myself.

I gave OM one bj without him asking. The night I have OM the bj I was at his house with a friend of mine, I'll call her L. I met BH through L, and L gave BH a bj the first night they met. And in his words "the best blow job of his life" that happened before I had met BH. But L always told me that I'd never be as good as her and that as long as I'm bad a bj's I'll never keep a man. The night I gave OM a bj I was buzed and was being made fun of by L. That is no excuse for my betraying BH, I shouldn't have been there in the first place. The bj I gave OM wasn't to completion and I did feel gross for doing it.

At least for me, it makes sense that if her experiences with BJs were negative she would not engage in those sex acts. It also makes sense that a person being taunted or teased would react in anger with an I'll-show-you attitude and engage in an act in spite of existing negative feelings in order to feel better about oneself. She does take responsibility for the overall issue of in being in the position to conduct the sex act.

Assuming she is being honest, her reasoning and explanation are believable as there are many instances of people departing from normal behavior due to being goaded and acting in defiance of the ridicule to assuage one's own feelings of inadequacy. But, in RE: her situation from the POV of her BH, I think the issue isn't so much with how believable the explanation is but the credibility of the person offering it.

His decision to cancel the lawyers is tremendous demonstration of grace on his part. Despite being a good sign now is not the time to be complacent. You need something similar to demonstrate your devotion to R as well.

Words, written or spoken are not going to have the same impact as actions will have. His is going to have trust issues. You might say the sky is blue and he will still go outside and check. Words can be faked. Actions cannot. Many WS I have seen miss an opportunity like this.

Ideally you need an action that can demonstrate your level of commitment. A poly is a good start, but you need complimentary actions to your words.

Please keep communicating. Ask your H for ideas if you don't know what else. The more of these things you can do will the better your BH will feel as he processes. In turn it will deepen your feelings for him.

Be genuine and authentic in everything you do. Your actions and words must align each and every time. Think of it as regaining his trust.

Keep going. I am cautiously optimistic for you : )

BH and I are entering a rougher time in our relationship. We are entering the time of year I started my EA, it was 8 years ago.

What is the best way to approach this season? It will be the first time we are working on R during an anniversary of an affair.

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 4:53 PM, May 21st (Friday)]

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 10:53 PM, Friday, May 21st]