SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been nearly 2 years since DDay. My WS and I have been through a ton of individual therapy and couples therapy. Our marriage looks completely different than it ever has before. We're different people and we're happy.

It felt like that chapter of our lives was finally closing. My conditions to try again were all fulfilled. He left his job early on (AP was coworker), worked on himself and our relationship, and recently traded in his vehicle (used during the affair).

We've been talking about possibly moving, working on shared goals, and are finally a team.

My triggers, intrusive thoughts, and ruminations have gone down tremendously. Anytime they arise, my spouse is quickly there to support through.

The AP must have sensed it. She began reaching out this morning. She sent one message per hour as he would not respond. She starting with a greeting > then telling him that she never stopped thinking about him > then she didn't want anything but a distraction > then asking why he didn't want to speak to her.

My WS followed our plan to not respond alone and be transparent as soon as we were together in person.

The question now is how to respond. Do we leave no response and simply block her? Does he need to be bluntly clear again that he doesn't want to be involved? Should the response come from me (I've never confronted her)? I also wonder if her partner knows anything about the affair.

My WS has also been paranoid that she has passed by our house to see his vehicle gone and that may have been the trigger to reach out.

No matter the why, how do you deal with someone like this?

When my AP wouldnt leave me alone, I blocked him. Would have done it sooner if I wasn't worried about him blackmailing me. Simple and effective solution.

Your husband should send one reply, which is "Stop contacting me. If you continue to message me, I will take legal action." And then he blocks her.

If contacts him from another number, get a cease and desist letter from a lawyer.

Do not confront her yourself. (A) He created the mess; he should clean it up. (B) You confronting her might actually empower her, as she will tell herself that your husband would respond were it not for the big, bad wife.

As for contacting her partner, most will say you should do so, but I'm going to advise against it at this point because your goal is to get her to leave you alone. Doing anything that would cause this bunny boiler to escalate is potentially dangerous.

Thanks. I love to overthink and sometimes just need someone else to say it. If they reach out with a secondary account, we'll deal with it then.

Block or don't respond.

Blocking would be my first choice. If a NC message wasn't sent then maybe that first. I just think at this point that you want to avoid feeding her ego kibbles to rekindle her interest, so I wouldn't lean towards doing it now. Most sane people would clue in when your WS dropped totally out of her world that he was done with her. She's trying to hoover him back in, so I wouldn't engage. Chaos might have better recommendations as she tangled with a stalking AP.

Hey grubs - I must have sensed this thread! And sadly...yeah...

OK - a few things in no particular order.

Why wasn't AP blocked years ago [that a metaphorical question - she wasn't so we can only go with the now]. That being said, in my case LTAP was a pro at creating fake profiles to stalk, even going so far as to use a very similar name of someone WH knew in school then slowly over time changing it to closer and closer to her own. She'd get burner phones, convince fellow mutual friends to reach out on her behalf, I could go on. She did for years! She probably still is, although more discreet so she won't be found in violation of the Cease and Desist.

It been 2 years. Block IMMEDIATELY! Then contact an attorney to send a Cease and Desist.
While it may seem "harsh" after 2 freaking years, even a "don't contact me" or "fuck off" is a response. Like with scam calls/texts any answer of the call or a "who is this" txt is a response and let them know the contact is active.

Block - Attorney - NOW.

Your attorney will meet with WH, review any history and saved evidence and decide how heavy handed an approach to take - mine was pretty damn heavy handed.

Sadly, if your WH balks, you have a bigger problem. If he makes excuses with the cliche "if I do that she may self harm, OD, binge drink, etc." you have a bigger problem. If he does anything except start researching attorneys or contact one he already has, you have a problem.

Hugs Pinkflamingoslippers Been there - done that.

No message - even "Don't contact me again". Blockity Block Block Block. ANY message feeds her ego! I like Chaos's advice to go nuclear after blocking. Cuts off ANY possibility of her reaching out without consequences. There's always the possibility that she's got it in her to become a stalker like the nut job that stalked Chaos's H. Better safe than sorry.

At the same time, even two years later, it seems only fair that AP's partner should know about the affair. No judgement here - in a perfect world the OBS would have been put in the loop immediately back when the affair happened. It's never too late to set things right. But this gal sounds like a potential stalker - so dead air feels like the safest response.

And-----If you do disclose, It's possible the AP will cast you and H as vengeful creeps because she simply reached out to an old friend and now you and H are inventing crazy accusations, or something like that. You'd need to attach proof. And bet if you do go this route, the OBS might have questions. Know I would!

I dunno. Wondering what other people think about notifying the OBS in this situation? If I were the OBS I'd want to know. Just not sure how to finesse this in conjunction with blocking AP and then cease and desist letter to put a stop to potential stalking. Feels contradictory.........is there a way to SAFELY do both?

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 5:31 AM, Sunday, October 18th]