SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

2 months since finding out about my husband's emotional affair with someone he met at a bar. The initial meeting I was informed about. She was a dog walker and he told me when he got home he suggested we hire her. They met when he was picking up food. It was at a restaurant we frequent, or did, and I drive by it regularly. At what point do the triggers subside? Do I just bite the bullet and go into the restaurant and risk a run-in? I feel like I'm tip-toeing around. We tell our kids the restaurant is closed, avoid meeting up with friends there, etc. Is going and facing it worth it? She doesn't work there but is often apparently there, although I don't know if that is still the case. I've read some things that say facing the trigger is a good thing, but is it? Do we just never go to some of our favorite places because of this?

I highly recommend pushing through the fear and reclaiming your space. It's quite empowering. That restaurant is yours. Take it back.

I love the idea of taking it back and reclaiming but what happens if she shows up while there. I obviously wouldn't go if I saw her car there, or do I and just show I'm not the one who should feel uncomfortable?

I think any way you handle triggers is okay, if it helps you! We are all different and need different levels of reclaiming places and events.
I chose, because I wanted to see it with my own eyes, to go to every spot he ever went with her. Some were in her state/city 4 hours away, made my husband drive me there and take me to every spot. Some spots I went in, some I drove by because they were nasty and I wasn’t interested in going in— but did love that I had an accurate picture of the place—which was way nicer in my mind- haha. I didn’t care that these were in "her" town, too bad. I haven’t ever seen her at any place but I no longer avoid anyplace. She and my UH are the ones to be embarrassed, not me.

What does your husband say? Talk to him. Talk to him. TALK TO HIM.

As for her, my sense is you would be embarrassed, uncomfortable because of feelings you have that he was getting something from her that you don’t have. More physically attractive, a better personality, who knows.

Those feelings are wrong. I’ll tell you what she had; the only thing she had, in one word: Availability.

This wasn’t about you; it wasn’t about her. It was about him.

He should feel uncomfortable, and so should she. Maybe if she runs into you two a few times she’ll quit showing up.

Don’t let her control your life. You’re a good woman; she’s not. Hold your head up high.

You're the only one who can make the decision, and any mindful decision you make is OK.

If I really liked the restaurant, I'd push through the trigger, go, and ignore the ap. It's very possible that the ap would walk out if she saw you, anyway. W & ow frequented a store I liked but didn't really care about. We went there soon after d-day; I didn't like it and never went again until last July, when some guests of ours wanted to go. So I joined them (w/W). No big deal, but I was very slightly happier not going in.

In general, I welcome triggers, because I think they're pain coming to the surface to be released - if the trigger is welcomed. But that's triggers-in-general. Early on, triggers are so frequent that as long as you accept some of them, you're healing.

JMO.

I love the idea of taking it back and reclaiming but what happens if she shows up while there. I obviously wouldn't go if I saw her car there, or do I and just show I'm not the one who should feel uncomfortable?

I really relished getting all up in the AP's space. (Still do.) I wanted her to sweat. I wanted her to feel uncomfortable. And I wanted to make sure that I presented as completely unbothered.

I took my H to lunch several times, strolling into their workplace, past her desk, like she was nothing more noteworthy than the wallpaper. It was nerve-racking the first time, but it paid off. I found SO MUCH power in pushing through the fear. Bonus: It pissed her off every time. She even emailed my H after the first time and told him that it was very hurtful for us to walk past her holding hands.

I reclaimed the restaurant where they hung out with work friends and started their A. Where they made out in the parking lot. Where we had been many times before. I wasn't going to let them have anything sacred. Except Motel 6. I let them keep that, while I set my standards higher for hotel stays from then on. I don't stay in cheap motels anymore.

My recommendation is to reclaim your power and your position as his partner, but do it however it sits right with you.

In general, I welcome triggers, because I think they're pain coming to the surface to be released - if the trigger is welcomed. But that's triggers-in-general. Early on, triggers are so frequent that as long as you accept some of them, you're healing.

I agree with this in principle. I have some weird things (tow trucks, commuter lots, commercials from the place my UW worked during multiple affairs, a certain town where things occurred, etc.). I started to embrace those so I wouldn’t be surprised and react unexpectedly. But there are still things that "leap out at me" unexpectedly. Like watching shows, reading a story, seeing a movie (like the recent discussion around "Babygirl") and so forth. But even if we embrace triggers and are vigilant in looking out for them, they can still sneak up on us in unexpected places…..

My wife finished treatment for brain cancer this past July. She is still being monitored (MRIs, blood work, etc.) for possible recurrence (so far, so good). We spend an inordinate amount of time at Dr offices and one particular hospital. As part of the never-ending shitstorm that is my life, my wife had an attack of appendicitis last week. To the ER, then to the hospital (I am sooo familiar with) for emergency surgery. After her surgery and getting my wife settled for the night, I trudge out to my car to drive home and take care of the dogs and get a couple of hours of sleep before returning in the morning. As I approach my car, there is a guy in the car beside mine with his seat pushed back and his eyes closed. I think "poor guy. He’s probably sleeping before going back in to see a loved one". Then a woman’s head pops up out of his lap and she wipes her mouth and looks at me. The guy gives me the "what can you do shrug" and puts his junk away. She’s wearing scrubs and he’s wearing some kind of maintenance uniform. So I’m pretty sure I stumbled across some cheating going on. Oral sex in a parking lot with a coworker. An MO I’m EXTREMELY familiar with. Just the "kick in the nuts" I needed at the end of a very trying day that due to the nature of things, I had thought about infidelity hardly at all. But "trigger’s don’t care"! I found myself shaking with rage pulling out of the lot.

Anyway, my personal feeling with places and things related to the affair are this: If I can spend every minute of every day with the living, breathing manifestation of infidelity that CHOSE that path, I can handle any and all other triggers…

I took the approach of confronting my triggering locations. It wasn’t magic, as in it made everything disappear immediately. But my experience is it was a helpful step in dispelling the anxiety. I’m still aware when I’m around those places, they have a different aura to them for me, but nothing like the power they had early on.