SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

I’ve been lurking on this site for a few months now. So much has happened, and I think the reason I’m finally ready to post is because it’s finally all out.

Some background:

My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together 7. We have 4 daughters (3 together and 1 from a previous relationship). Until Dday 1, I really thought I had the perfect life. I thought I had the doting husband that was so obsessed and in love with his wife, we never fought- bickered some here and there but could always come together on our differences. He had been the best partner, carrying the weight of the household when I was pregnant, while still supporting us while I stayed home with the kids. He was, and is, the most incredible father. Truly, he loves his children and they love him. I could go on and on about how wonderful he is to our kids. but…

Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back, there were signs. Big ones, that I feel like I ignored and blindly trusted because the version of the man I know could never do anything like that. More on that later.

Dday 1: May 31st

I found a tinder login notification on my husbands apple watch. Intuition is a funny thing isn’t it? Age of course denied it at first, and then apologized profusely saying it was a one time thing- the usual lies they give. He eventually admitted to logging in a few times on dating apps over the years but nothing came of it. We started MC shortly after.

Dday 2: Sept. 9th

He didn’t, and still doesn’t know that you have to permanently delete text messages. In his deleted messages I found an exchange between him and a man that was paying him for sex. Shock doesn’t begin to cover it. He claimed it was for the family, but eventually admitted that he had a ONS with anonymous man from grindr a year prior. That was the extent, he claimed. We began IC in addition to MC.

Dday 3: Jan. 12th

I downloaded all the data from his apps to see what I could find that had been deleted. I gave him the chance to come clean before I dug through it, and out it all came. Grindr, Tinder, Snapchat, Onlyfans. An addiction that has spanned 12 years.

I am married to a sex addict. He says that it’s not the same person who does these things that is married to me- or at least that’s how he viewed it in the past. An alter ego, a second identity, i don’t know. Common with sex addicts I am discovering in my research. Reconciling the addict with the man I love has left me in a place where I don’t know my reality.

Since the beginning I’ve given no promises of staying, only that I gave myself a timeline to make a decision and make sure I give myself enough time to process everything.

Other than the lying and minimizing after each new discovery, I have no complaints about how diligently he has worked on himself and our marriage. The sex addiction diagnosis (from our therapist on the 16th) truly came as a shock to him as well as myself. I’m truly at a loss for what the right road is.

It would be so cut and dry if he were this awful, abusive partner or if our sweet babies didn’t live in such a happy home. Even still, we don’t argue. We don’t yell at each other. We don’t say hurtful things no matter how high the emotions are. Our girls see a mother and a father in love. I know they can tell a difference in me, and can see that I am more easily frustrated and triggered at my WH. But the thought of breaking up my family, the thought of sharing time with them, is awful.

I know I want to see my WH through 12 steps, because if I leave him now I worry he will fall into a darkness he won’t be able to get up from- our therapist agrees. For our kids, I can do that. And I love him, god I love him so much STILL. And i know he loves me. I know the reason he wants to reconcile is because he knows he will lose the love of his life. He doesn’t want a fractured relationship with his kids, but he knows he would still have them. It’s me he doesn’t want to lose…

I know I’m leaving so much out. I KNOW how I sound. Trust me, I’ve spent hours in therapy trying to parse through if I’m just in denial or coping through imagining how wonderful he is to me and the kids. But my IC, who is also our MC agrees that he is sincere and loves me so much. She said she sees his remorse, and encourages me that she thinks if we keep trying she truly thinks we can reconcile.

Being the spouse of a sex addict is uncharted waters for me. I don’t know what it means for myself, or for him. I need a community I think. Does anyone else have any experience with this?

What helped you get through it? Any book recommendations?

For the record, I’m not focusing on him and his journey anymore. If he really wants to recover from this addiction then he will do the work, but I’m suffering PTSD symptoms. I’m on meds- a lot of them and they help. But I don’t know where to go from here. I’m continuing IC and MC.

Thanks for reading, and I’m so sorry any of us are here. This is the worst pain I’ve ever experienced and that’s saying something honestly.

EDIT: To my knowledge, there has been no infidelity of any kind since I found out about the physical infidelity in September. My gut tells me he hasn’t, and there’s no proof he has. I’m not sure if Dday is the right acronym or if it’s technically a trickle truth situation.

[This message edited by momofthree94 at 3:16 PM, Monday, January 20th]

Hi. I’m so very sorry that you are in a situation that brings you here. But you have come to a good place.

I don’t personally have any experience in the area that you are experiencing. I just wanted to let you know that there are people here that will be by and will be very very helpful to you.

I also wanted to let you know that weekends and holidays are traditionally quite slow. So please don’t be frustrated/disappointed if there aren’t many replies today. They will be along eventually and hopefully they can give you some insight.

Again, so sorry that you found yourself needing to be here.

I'm so sorry that you have reason to be here, but I'm glad you found us.

I know I want to see my WH through 12 steps, because if I leave him now I worry he will fall into a darkness he won’t be able to get up from- our therapist agrees.

But my IC, who is also our MC agrees that he is sincere and loves me so much. She said she sees his remorse, and encourages me that she thinks if we keep trying she truly thinks we can reconcile.

That's a huge red flag from a therapist. If what you're saying is accurate, she's encouraging you to be codependent. I think you'd do well to get a separate IC whose sole focus is your mental health and recovery. There's a conflict of interest in having your IC be your MC as well, especially since your H is an addict. Also, keep in mind that even though she's a professional, she's still just a human and is no more insightful or clairvoyant about his intentions or ability to overcome his addiction than you are.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 4:16 PM, Monday, January 20th]

Welcome to SI and so sorry to read your background. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some posts pinned to the top that we encourage new members to read, as well as some with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library has a lot of great resources, too.

It would be so cut and dry if he were this awful, abusive partner

By his actions, he has put your health and possibly your life in danger. If he's meeting with men to have sex, there's a possibility that he can contract AIDS/HIV...and then pass the disease along to you. By having sex with different partners, he runs the risk of contracting an STD/STI...and pass it along to you. Many of these can turn into cancer. We've had members die from the cancer that they contracted due to their partner's activities. You may want to search Dr. Omar Minwalla and is infidelity abuse.

There's a book called The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. It isn't based on infidelity per se, but on trauma as a whole - including PTSD. He advocates for certain exercises to help process the trauma through the body. Pilates, yoga, etc.

Hey momofthree,

So sorry you had to find us. You will get support here - even if your hear things you don’t want to hear, please know that it is all from experience and trying to help YOU get out of infidelity. We understand the pain and repercussions of infidelity.

As was said earlier, please read in the healing library and all the posts in this forum that have the bullseyes.

PLEASE make sure your MC is a CSAT therapist - her recommendation that you stay with him is very alarming to me. Not all therapists are equal, or even competent, and a CSAT is a specialist. Make sure you are getting IC with a trauma- trained therapist. This IS a trauma to your system.

PLEASE see your doctor and get tested for all STD/STI. Be honest with you doctor - you need the full panel. And make sure to get repeat testing as many nasty things can linger in the system and cause irreparable harm, even death. Do not have unprotected sex with him. Make sure he gets tested too and SHOWS you the results. But still, protected sex. He is not safe.

Please understand that it was not "some other person" who did all that— it was husband. The very same guy. He may have used some Olympic level mental gymnastics to justify his actions, but he did this. To you. And your kids.

I know you call him a great dad. But think about this. If he have given you any number of diseases, you could have given them to your kids. They could be collateral damage to his activities. And diseases that hurt or kill you means he endangered their mother. All the time and money and attention and energy he spent having dangerous sex with randos is time, money, attention, and energy he was not spending on his family. So he did the superficial stuff, but has failed spectacularly with some of the critical stuff. (By the way, I had cervical cancer from HPV and lost my ability to have kids, so I know this is a real problem.)

See a lawyer. See three actually. Get a full picture of what D (divorce) might look like. You don’t have to file- you may not be ready to make that kind of decision yet. But you need to understand what D would look like so you are operating from a position of knowledge not fear and uncertainty. You do not need to tell him you are doing this. This is to educate you.

Recovering from SA is extraordinarily challenging. It will be 100% his responsibility to tackle that while helping you from the trauma he inflicted. You need to focus on you and the kids. Don’t think that not divorcing him is the only way to support him. You can D to protect you and your kids and if he ever does the work (which will take YEARS), then you can look at getting back together. But this might protect your kids and your sanity while you see if he can truly fix the major deficits in his character.

And remember that your kids need at least one healthy parent. It needs to be you. So focus only on you and the kids. Take care of yourself- this stuff is so HARD. Keep posting. And know that you will get through this. You can do it.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 7:40 PM, Monday, January 20th]

Go to the I can relate Forum and you'll find a thread for married to Sex Addict. Currently it's not very active but if you post there a few of us will jump in with our stories. And you can read past posts that I'm sure you can relate to. There is controversy about whether sex addiction is real or not (I say very real, married to one) so might get better support there.