SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Im 27 and my gf is 26. We have been dating for almost 4 years. We have the most intense love for eachother. However our relationship has been nothing but trauma....

A couple months after we started dating i got injured badly which left me with immense pain and chronic mobility problems. I broke my back. This new reality left me bedridden for 2 years and in immense pain. This was incredibly hard on my gf, because she felt underappreciated during that time and felt like we were not a typical relationship. She built up resentment, and i did afterwards as well, thinking that she wasnt able to understand how i was feeling. Now i know we both just couldn't handle that situation on our own....

About just under 2 years ago, i had a major spine surgery overseas, paid out of pocket to try and correct my spine.( i was on a waitlist in my country for another 2 years). And i began my physical recovery journey. During this time our relationship was improving and we were madly in love with eachother.

In the fall of the year i had my surgery my gf went to school to finish her masters program. It was 2 hours away from where i lived. The last time we had sex before she left i had finished inside her and she ended up becoming pregnant. Her birthcontrol ended like a week before she left and the plan b pill failed. We were both shocked by the news, i told her that i would support whatever decision that she ultimately decided on. But she figured that she didnt want to deop out of school and i wasnt able enough to take care of a kid. So we decided on aborting the baby. It was very hard on her. We would call eachother and i would be on the phone with her for hours, because she said she felt lonely and she was struggling. She didnt want to tell her family and asked me not to tell mine, because she was afraid of how they would react. About 2 weeks after that her brother announced that him and his gf were having a baby. This broke my gf, she was devastated.

Over that year we would call everyday and she would come back every 3 weeks on avg. During the summer my physical state started to really inprove, i could drive and i could go to work and go on dates again with my gf... however i was a little disappointed at how my gf was reacting to me improving. She was more agitated or upset or sometimes lashing out at me. I attributed it to her being stressed with knowing she was to go to school again and i would just be there for her.

Fast forward to her second year of school. We planned a cabin getaway for end of nov awhile ago. While we were at the cabin, i was praising her and telling her how proud i am of her and how far weve come in our relationship, and i appreciate everything shes done for me and us and stuff like that... well i guess she felt too guilty and finally admitted that right after the abortion and she found out about her brothers baby, she was drunk and a work event and some guy came onto her and she slept with her that night and then did it again the next weekend at a work event. She claims she never texted him before or after and there were no emotions, that she was purely broken during that time and wasnt in her right mind.....

I was absolutely devasted to hear this, it just didnt seem real and didnt sound like her. She said the me that she didnt tell me earlier and when it happened because i was borderline suicidal during that time and before because of my back problems. It just makes me feel like she was a stranger this last year, after reflecting certain behaviors that i was confused about all make sense now.

In hind sight i shouldve pushed her to tell her mom, but i just didnt know how affected she deeply was by the abortion.

Im so hurt she pleased some man, im so hurt she went to that level. I told her that our relationship is over and that i need space. And she was crying the whole time and didnt want to lose "the love of her life" and she will do anything to gain my trust again. I just dont trust her anymore. I dont want to be out of the relationship, but i feel ny hand is forced. I love her so much.....

Anonymous1, sorry you find yourself here, and sorry to hear about the heath problems you’ve been suffering with.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been here for a long time, but the odds of your GF becoming pregnant after one time, while on birth control and taking plan B doesn’t add up.

I would suspect she got pregnant from another man and she played it off as yours. Could be totally off base but I’ve see this quite a bit on this and other forums.

No kids and a relatively easy separation, I would cut my losses and move on from her. Being emotional about the abortion and using "drunk" (albeit she went back for a second time) and your mental and physical health as reasons why she didn’t tell you make me think even more that she got pregnant from another guy and this was her way of passing it off.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you have a reason to join us. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as some marked with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library has a lot of great information, too.

If you're having problems with sleeping or depression, see your doctor for some meds. Also, you may wish to be tested for STDs/STIs as some can be dormant before becoming active.

Frankly, your WFG (wayward girlfriend) has failed the dating/marriage trial test. Because you're not married, have no kids or shared assets, you may wish to remove yourself from the relationship.

i was a little disappointed at how my gf was reacting to me improving.

This makes me wonder if she was cheating during this time and was concerned that you might show up and catch her out.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful guiding you through your healing process.

I’m going to take a slightly more compassionate stance towards your girlfriend.
Please be clear that I am NOT justifying or excusing her decision to cheat, nor am I going to go against the grain of the advice already offered that your best option might be to end this relationship. Maybe the goal of this post is to make that transition easier for you by enabling you to leave with less hate and anger.

During your years as a couple you two have gone through a lot of trauma. If I look at what she’s gone though then it’s the period of your injury, the recovery, the surgery, the long-distance relationship, the unexpected pregnancy and the whole abortion process. That’s quite a lot. In fact you seem to clearly recognize this in your first paragraph...

However our relationship has been nothing but trauma....

Often adversity can allow us to show our best side, but it can also bring out the bad...

You can read my story in my profile so I wont rehash it here... But I can share that I really loved my GF and had a really tough time with my emotions, so leaving her was tough. But for ME and AT THAT TIME it was the correct thing to do. I actually think that might also apply for you. Maybe the main difference was that my fiancé had cheated repeatedly with random men. Not that it makes my pain more, but maybe the decision to leave slightly easier and clearer.

However... I would suggest that if you are in any contact with her that you strongly recommend, she seeks professional help – like IC – to deal with the traumas she’s been through. You can make it clear that it won’t change your mind for now or about your relationship, but that for HER it will make moving forward and becoming whole a lot easier.

Please – I am not offering you some false hope. I agree that she basically failed the "Girlfriend-Test". I think it would be a big mistake for you to pause your life while she fixes her issues. But what I fear is that while our answers might be correct in the perfect world then since you haven’t been back... you don’t like what we are saying. If you aren’t going to pull the trigger on this relationship then AT LEAST make any chance of reconciling conditional on her seeking IC while the two of you press pause for the next 4-6 months.

And I’ll take a different tack: not married, no kids, sorry but in such cases you’re simply begging for future trouble if you take back a cheating GF. Knowing now what she’s absolutely capable of, if you just met her today, would you want to enter into a serious LTR? No, you absolutely wouldn’t. Don’t do it.

She failed the GF test. Sorry this happened to you.

I agree with most of what you guys have been saying. She failed the gf test. Im just confused and trying to understand. It has only been 8 days since i found out and i have been no contact. I did break up with her. I plan on reaching out to her in the next 3 weeks or so and asking some questions on like why and if anybody else knew about it. Etc. Also to suggest that she goes to therapy and heals herself and learns to love herself from all her past trauma. I have also reached out to a therapist myself just to discuss what ive been through the last 4 years or so.

But yeah... it's just tough i can't see my life without her and i love her so much. I feel like she's forcing my hand and making me leave the relationship even though i don't want to at all....

My plan is to just work on myself and try to take it day by day and hope/ pray that she does the same for her own sake.

If i still love her and cant stop thinking about her in a year, when shes finished her masters program and she's not 6 hours away, maybe I'll reach out and see if she's been actively healing herself.... just sounds pathetic to write down. I'm just really hurt and planned my whole future around us, i was going to propose very soon....

I did break up with her.

Excellent work. Right move!

I plan on reaching out to her in the next 3 weeks or so and asking some questions on like why and if anybody else knew about it. Etc.

Keep your expectations super low, if you need to talk to her again. I’d absolutely recommend against it. It will likely open up more hurts for you. I’d share your desire to know if anyone else knew, only if they were supposed "friends", who’d I’d immediately and permanently cut out of my life. I HIGHLY doubt she would share any such people, but you could dangle the possibility of R if she tells you the truth (and even if she fully shares, then you’ll know there’s no way you could R - "sorry!").

Also to suggest that she goes to therapy and heals herself and learns to love herself from all her past trauma. I have also reached out to a therapist myself just to discuss what ive been through the last 4 years or so.

It’s kind of you to care for her like this, but please don’t think it’s ANY of your responsibility. Be prepared for the possibility of anger at your helpful suggestion.

But yeah... it's just tough i can't see my life without her and i love her so much. I feel like she's forcing my hand and making me leave the relationship even though i don't want to at all....

I’m so sorry bro, but you simply can’t fix this. She dropped a nuke on this relationship. It’s a fool’s errand to try to grow new crops on ground saturated by deadly continuous radiation.

My plan is to just work on myself and try to take it day by day and hope/ pray that she does the same for her own sake.

This is your best bet. I promise you: you WILL get over her and you will no longer feel the way you do now. How fast you get there depends on two things:

1. How much you can maintain no contact
2. How soon you can convince yourself you never loved the real her. You only loved the mirage she presented. Now that you know the real her, you won’t tolerate someone who abused you in a horrific way.

If i still love her and cant stop thinking about her in a year, when shes finished her masters program and she's not 6 hours away, maybe I'll reach out and see if she's been actively healing herself.... just sounds pathetic to write down. I'm just really hurt and planned my whole future around us, i was going to propose very soon....

Great plan! Keep NC for a year, and promise yourself you will reach out in 1 year if you still want to. I know you almost certainly won’t want to by then, but it’s rightfully comforting to know you’ve agreed with yourself you can contact her in 1 year if still desired.

Keep up the great work!

asking some questions on like why

Anything she says isn't going to make sense to you because her thought process is disordered. What she says isn't going to make sense to you. I was in your shoes and the excrement that came out of my XWH's mouth was sheer stupidity. No, he didn't think about (insert anything or everything here.) All he thought about was himself and what he wanted. Please don't think that any great revelations will come from asking her why. Basically it boiled down to she wanted to and had the opportunity.

And I get it...at 8 days, I wasn't able to function. At 6 months, perfect strangers would stop me in the grocery store or in a restaurant and ask if I was ok. It's ok to not be ok. Self-love is not selfish, and you need to take care of you right now.

You're going to hurt and this is so incredibly painful. Just hang in there and work on healing. You can make it through this.

There is no value in keeping her as an option. Rip off the bandaid man. You will find someone else, someone that has never cheated on you. It might hurt a little now, but in the long run, you're much better off finding someone new. You wont have this history between the two of you. Let her go her way, and find someone better.