SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Almost 3 years post Dday and my eyes are wide open. I see it now, all the clues and behavior changes I missed because I was blinded by trust. For 15 years when I left for work at least once a week my wife could look me in the eyes, kiss me goodbye and tell me she loved me and then a half hour later she would be headed to her lover's house. I felt like a complete fool for quite some time that this was happening right under my nose for so long. Affair recovery with processing all the information and trying to make sense of it all takes awhile. My life has never been disrupted like this and I would not wish this on anyone. I also believe that recovering from infidelity is like life, a roller coaster ride with ups and downs. And when I'm down, I tend to rant and let it out. I do miss the thoughts and feelings that our marriage was special in my eyes and with most people around us. I miss the innocence and being exclusive to my wife's heart and mind. This has made me a stronger and wiser person in many ways but at the same time I feel unsure of anything anymore. We are still married and trying to have a better marriage this time around and learn from our past mistakes. My wife's life and situation has changed considerably since Dday physically and emotionally. She is no longer exposed to many of the things that led to the bad choices she has made in the past. Getting free from her job was a major step. For 20 years we have been like two ships passing in the night working different shifts to make things work and be there for our kids. We put all of our energy into our jobs and our kids and life and we neglected to maintain and protect our marriage. This is a common story, I'm sure. Since my wife has retired and is home all of the time it's like a whole new marriage. I have spent more time alone with her talking than I have in the last 10 years. Granted there is a lot to talk about whether it be good or bad. I still have my up's and down's and have to get a rant out here and there and I am very grateful to have this forum to release it.

I get that. I can’t believe in retrospect how readily I believed the gaslighting. I also hear the calm and safety that comes with her not being exposed to what led to the cheating. I also feel my spouse is in a much more temptation free situation (not to the extent your wife is) but to a great extent. I think creates kind of a weird feeling like "I trust you in the situation we are in now… but what if you were still out there getting tempted? Would you still be the good guy that I see?" Anyway, despite that I prefer that the situation is lower risk. It is better for my cortisol levels.

L313,

This may seem harsh, but it is what it is.

Your WW is in a 'no lose' situation for her, as she knows you will be there for her regardless. She knows she will be able to retire with a safety net (hint, it is you).

When someone has nothing to lose and everything to gain, they will not need to do anything, as the end-game is already locked in. They know they are in control and can steer the ship however and wherever they want. You are merely a disgruntled crew in the boiler room on their ship. You will be working hard to keep the ship (M) working, but you don't know where it is headed.

You can rant and rage all you want, demand that she tell you everything, demand that she assures you that it will not happen again, to answer all your questions truthfully and willingly, but at the end of the day, she can choose not to, as she knows she will suffer no consequences (apart from being kept apart from her 'one true love'). She knows she is still in control because she lets you think you have control.

So, for your own sake, you may need to consider other options, or you will have a prematurely short lifespan due to all the stress/anxiety of the unanswered questions. You will not be doing yourself any favours if you will not consider any other options.

Think about it, she had another life that you were not part of for 15 YEARS.

RR

Your WW is in a 'no lose' situation for her, as she knows you will be there for her regardless. She knows she will be able to retire with a safety net (hint, it is you).

@RR
How did you glean that grip OP’s post?

For me it would be impossible to build anything new knowing that she still holds him in her heart, possibly (probably?) in higher esteem than she holds you.

You have to follow your own path. Mine would not be the same. I would have to tell her I'm moving on without her until she has done the work to get him out of her heart mind and soul. How she proves that is not easy. But right now from what I've read of your threads, she has not come close to achieving that.

It takes years of work. For me, I couldn't stick around while that happens. And I definitely couldn't build something new on such an unstable foundation.

She needs to see him as a piece of sh*t that enabled her to emotionally injure the man she vowed to love honor cherish and protect. She has not been successful in doing any of those things.

I wish you well finding happiness on the path you are walking.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:34 PM, Tuesday, December 3rd]

@Gunnut

Not too sure if you are being sarcastic or not, so I will assume you are not being sarcastic.

If you read through Lost1313's previous posts, he has made it abundantly clear that he will not leave the M. As such, his WW does not have to worry about not having a roof over her head, and she will not need to divulge anything further. She can keep her precious secrets with her without having to face split/reduced finances.

Lost

I too went through your older posts and read – amongst other things – my previous contribution to your thread.

If you have told your wife – or allowed her to think – that no matter what, no matter what she does or does not do, then you will remain married... well... why should she change anything?
Why should she tell you more, be more accountable, put more effort into reconciliation... It’s not like she has much to gain, and in fact she might even think that any contribution she makes now could threaten the status quo.
Knowing you won’t leave no matter what then why should she tell you some added truths and possibly change your stance.

In some ways marriage is like an egg. A remarkably strong structure, but will break if mishandled.

I think the catalyst for any recovery for you might be when you can tell your wife something along to:
"Wife. I love you and I really want to be married to you. I want that so much that I’m willing to do immese work to make that happen. However... There is no going about that you had an affair and that we need to deal with that. I need closure and I need to feel 100% assured I’m not some backup plan. I’m offering you a chance to go along the journey of reconciling our marriage with me, but be very clear that if we don’t then this resentment I carry will inevitably lead me to see that of two evils being without you beats remaining in infidelity."