SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, the one thing that I've been trying to figure out is... after 20 odd years of marriage and 20 years of being a mom, I've now got to find "Me." I lost me a long time ago. I've been so busy meeting everyone else's needs and caring for my husband and kids that I lost who I am.

I know I need to take care of me. Find what me likes and doesn't like. Find friends and do things. Prioritize myself.

But ... how? How do I start?

I'm so run over with emotions and the mess that is my life and parenting challenges.

I looked at the 180 list and it's so freaking overwhelming.

This has been my identity for so long. I just don't know who I am anymore.

What helped you?

Download an app called Meetup, set up a profile, enter your interests, and it will find groups of people in your area that have similar interests.

This is what I did and I found an awesome group that does fun things. One activity they do on Tuesdays is sand volleyball.

It's awkward at first meeting strangers by yourself but after a few games I started learning names and people started learning mine.

The best part: It's just for me, my wife is not involved or invited. I told her you have your social circle and now I realize not having my own was unhealthy so I need my own that is independent of you.

She was (is?) not 100% comfortable with this and honestly I don't care. I was content with my life revolving around her and once the affair imploded everything I realized how unhealthy and unsafe that was.

My first day with the group one of the guys asked "So what brings you to the group?"

"An affair. " I told him my story and he stood there nodding and then said "All I wanted from my wife was an apology and I would have taken her back but she refused."

I had to relearn how to mingle and interact with people by myself. Playing volleyball is a great way to have that social interaction and have fun! I did feel guilty at first but then reminded myself that she felt ZERO guilt while she was having fun sexting with her coworker.

After I started getting together with this group the wife and I were having a conversation and I asked "So if one of the members is having a get together at their house would you have a problem with me going." She said "I would not be comfortable with that" and minutes later said "That’s irrational. You haven't done anything to make me think you are not committed to our relationship."

I don't believe her. A couple of years ago at the end of the school year she went out after work with coworkers. Later I received a text saying "We are going to someone's house"

When she got home we had a pretty good dust up. She didn't see the problem, said it was just coworkers. Then she let slip that one guy stopped to pick up his wife. "And you never thought of calling me to ask if I wanted to join you?"

"It wasn't my house and I didn't know if I could "

"You didn't even try because you didn't want me there."

I believe this is why my wife changed her answer about having a problem with me going to a Tuesday group members house for a get together.

Start with Meetup, go have fun!

[This message edited by WB1340 at 1:03 PM, Tuesday, October 22nd]

LostSquid, I know how you feel. I'm trying to find the person I could have been before my 26 year marriage to an emotionally stunted WS.

I think self-love is a state of mind. Cooking, being outside, messing with my houseplants, these give me a sense of calmness and peace, so I have to try to get out of the rut and do those kind of things. If I don't, I drink too much and spend too much time in my head, with my self pity.

My mom used to say that humans do better mentally and are happier when they have tasks to accomplish. Maybe start with a simple list of things that sound interesting or fun to do?

Right now, I have to force myself to do things that I know are good for me. Good luck. You deserve happiness, you will get there.

I started with doing things for myself, and things I never took time for like getting pedis and Manis, paying for getting my hair done vs going to great clips.
Then I decided I was going to learn things I always wanted to do but never took the time or $$$ for.
I learned how to ride a street bike, got my scuba certification, went from being a decent cook to chef level skills. Taught myself how to crochet and made Christmas gifts for everyone. Got chickens. Went on many trips (some on my own, some through work, some with H, and some with the whole fam).

I suggest figuring out what you are interested in learning and doing and make it happen. Some can be alone some in groups, some cheap some not.

Hi Lostsquid. There is no doubt this type of thing causes us to evaluate ourselves and our foundations. It can be a very good thing. One thing I did want to mention however is that if you are pursuing recovery, be careful to not think what is commonly said that you have to heal alone is the necessarily the right way.

Jake Porter has excellent videos and webinars on what he calls "couples centered recovery". He say couples who heal separately come away with a separate "story" of what happened in their life. However, the goal of Couples Centered Recovery is that you will come out and heal with goal of a "common story"....and this will help foster connection, rather than harm it.

Something to consider. Lord bless you.

I started where Tushnurse started - doing things for myself. I committed to a full body massage once a week. I joined an actual yoga studio versus doing free youtube videos. I'm a big reader. I downloaded any book I thought I might like and indulged in hours of peaceful reading whenever I felt like it. I prioritized my peace and pleasure over almost everything (except if my daughter needed me). Loving myself in that way, pampering and caring for myself helped me heal.

From there, I went deep into therapy. I found a trauma specialist who does a lot of work on self actualization. I told her I didn't want to talk about my marriage per se, but about me, where am I am, who am I? How do I build the life I want? She was a true gem and the therapy was a game changer.

I too took up new hobbies and some old ones. I tried new things (hip hop class at my age? Yes, please. I'm horrible but it was fun). I've met new friends, reinforced relationships with old ones and generally have a rich network of hobbies and people that give my life purpose and meaning.

Find your purpose. It is not your marriage. I assume your kids are older so it's not about mothering them. What do you enjoy doing? What did you ever dream of doing? What interests you even a little? Go try those things.

Find your purpose. It is not your marriage.

This ^^^ So much this!

When I left my xWS I had to find me again as I had no idea who I even was. I started surrounding myself with loving friends, doing things and going places I have never been, taking care of myself and honoring "me" time which was self-care in the form of beauty, therapy, taking a nap, taking a break, whatever it was that would bring my mind and body peace. I started doing meditations and yoga, going for walks, spending time with my kids and my cats, and taking long baths.

I had a great therapist to get me through! I no longer go as I no longer need it.

I have re-connected with old friends that were fractured by my M. That was really healing.

Taking a trip or vacation with friends or by yourself to a destination you've always wanted to go to even if it's only an hour away.

Finding "me" is a journey one that I am still on and I am loving it. This wouldn't be possible if I was still with my xWS.

My journey was a lot like tushnurse describes. Kind of looking at my interests, dabbling in them, and seeing which things I wanted to go deeper on.

I tried new things and figured out what made me lose track of time.

However, the biggest part I think is making mental space. We have ourselves trained as wives and mothers to fill our space with thinking about others, worrying, etc. I spent a lot of time working on mindfulness so that I could make my mental space a lot better place to be in.

The power of now by Eckhardt Tolle was a big read for me that changed how I look at the present moment. When we are truly in the moment that’s where joy can be found. When we are in the past, often sadder feelings emerge. When we are worried for the future, anxiety is taking over. So I would practice staying present as much as possible because it frees up mental space to expand what we really would rather focus on.

I learned to make room for myself. The gal that would feel like she was responsible for everyone and everything learned very slowly how to say no to things I don’t want to do. I learned I don’t have to hold things together for everyone and gave those responsibilities back to all of them. I worked on my boundaries - where I begin and end. I reminded myself frequently that I too only get one life and I was going to spend the rest of it more how I wanted.

That’s not to say I don’t still do nice things for my husband or grown kids (or members of their families). I just fill up my cup and it runs over onto them. It’s a very worthy journey that has no map but if you stay mindful of it, I promise you will find a way.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:17 PM, Wednesday, October 23rd]

There aren't really any silver linings to experiencing the trauma of infidelity, but I can say, I was glad it forced me to step back and examine or re-examine every aspect of life.

After I processed the shock and awe elements of my life not being what I signed up for -- it was maybe 5-6 months after discovery before I even had my feet on the ground.

Once I did, I searched my brain for some happy 'me' moments, anything good, fun memory, good music, an accomplishment at work, etc., I started to piece together what I liked about myself. I started to find my value in the world. And it did help that I was good father and reminded me I'm a good person, doing the best with what information I had at the time.

Before you were everything to everyone else, you turn back time and find little bits and pieces of what you like about you.

Or, if you don't have a lot of elements to lean back, then jump to what your daydreams are made of. What is it that you haven't been able to do, or sacrificed time or money that you put off. Start spoiling you now. Today. You deserve it.

Even if it starts with an extra nap or someone in the family who can watch the kids for an hour or a day, or...maybe even a weekend! Dream big. Hang on to the few good moments as you find them, string them together best you can.

Most of all, be patient with you, be kind to you.

Healing takes a lot of work and time.

To echo Oldwounds - one of the exercises I did in therapy was to think back to childhood and remember how I played. Weird sounding but when we are young we are more our true selves. What interested us? How did we play? What did we play? It's funny that the things that give me great pleasure now are the things I played at as a child.

Adjacent to that are things we dreamed about as a child. There is gold in our childhood self / memories.

For me it involved therapy, remembering what I used to enjoy, saying yes to pretty much everything so I would try new things, traveling, reaching out to friends and acquaintances that I wanted to become friends, and doing things my WS hated but I loved (pedicures, hairspray, perfume). And got 2 cats bc he would only allow us to have one and I was sure 2 was better for them. I also thought about the attributes of me that I liked but quieted to accommodated my WS "to get along". I hated rocking the boat- but I realize it was very unbalanced.

It took time.it took work. But I am a better version of me now. Really.

Good luck- it’s a very worthy to go on for yourself.

Good thread. I've been trying to do this for years and, whilst I feel I've made some progress, I feel as if I slip back: how can I make real progress when I'm still with the person who betrayed me?

Sorry - this is a bit of self-pity, related to the fact that I've just had a conversation with my WW and we seem to have hit a bit of a brick wall.

Learning to say "No". It stops so many things if you just say no. If someone subtly puts you down tell them you did not give them permission to talk to you in that tone of voice. If you can’t do that leave the room, stop texting, or reading texts, hang up. You can control what you will put up with. I have found that giving myself permission to say what needs to be said set me free. I’m still married but No One has my permission to try to hurt me with words, or tone of voice. If they do they are looking at an empty space.

Thanks everyone. This has been a really helpful set of things to start thinking about. :)

I'm doing lots of self-searching for what made me happy over my life and have been making lists. This is what I'm going to talk to my therapist about at the next appointment.

I started super small. I would try to do one little thing per day that gave me joy. Sometimes it was just sitting on my front porch on a rocking chair, looking at the big tree in my neighbor’s yard.

I picked up the Anne of Green Gables books, which I loved as a kid but hadn’t read in decades.

I started crocheting a super complex afghan (that I’m still working on, lol).

I would pick some flowers and put them in a vase.

I would read the poems or the short story in a New Yorker magazine.

Eventually, I bought a paddle board. That’s been my biggest thing for me. I go paddle boarding on the river near my house, and on all its little tributaries. Sometimes I just paddle to a secluded spot and lay down on the board in the sun or shade. It’s amazing. Butterflies land on me all the time.

That’s all I’ve got. Try a lot of small things and see what sticks.

So I would practice staying present as much as possible because it frees up mental space to expand what we really would rather focus on.

One of the things I heard him say that has stuck with me is, Make friends with the present, since that"s the only place you actually ever are. The rest is mind stuff.

The other is that the present is the space in which things are happening, not the things themselves. The silence behind the words.

It’s the space, not the things. The things change, the space is constant. Make friends with it. Explore it. At least become aware of it every now and then. Make it a habit.