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I feel like I am getting closer to posting in the reconciliation portion of the forums but I am not quite ready to do that yet but I feel my H and I are on the path to fighting this thing together.

Laying in bed last night after our counseling session I told him I had no idea that I could be the happiest but yet the saddest I have ever been in my entire life. He validated my feelings telling me he feels the same exact way, sadness for what he did but a very hopeful and positive view on our future. I feel like I am finally at turning point, at a cross road and although I think I am going to stand here for a while , I see me choosing reconciliation.

The amount of dedication, sweat , tears, and change my H has put into himself and this marriage is inspirational and our MC pointed out yesterday that we were on a path to eventually (One day way in the future) help other people if we stay on this path of self discovery, self awareness, and self healing.
Towards the end of our session yesterday our MC pointed out I still have quite a lot of self healing to do and I let him know I was going back at the end of the month, my H does too of course but he wasn't the one traumatized... so I know I will have to deal with that. He has to keep digging into his FOO issues.

For the first time in forever, I am happy, will that change tomorrow, I am sure it will by the hour but after seeing his effort, after taking off my rose colored glasses, after really accepting that my H is a flawed human (like all of us) I feel like I can breathe a little bit easier. I know that his issues weren't my fault , as hes told me over and over but it didn't sink in until recently that she really could have been anyone. I struggled with him enjoying what he did in the moment even if he hates it now, he didn't then. I actually posted about it in here and got great advice but I wasn't ready to hear it yet. I needed time to process it and really understand it. I do now. The amount of pain he caused all of us, the amount of love that he threw away, and jeopardizing my health , I know he never will look back and think of that as a "great time". He tells me all the time he was low and he found someone just as low as him if not lower to feel superior, I get it now. I hate it but I get it.

I know it has only been a year and my healing is really only beginning, I am hopeful and I feel like after all of this I came out a better person... not because I was traumatized but because I became vulnerable, more self aware, stronger, and I will never allow shitty behavior towards my children and I ever again from anyone, above all the man that should love and protect us the most. We are going to start going to celebrate recovery at a different church because he will be a year porn free in December and we also would like to connect in person with others struggling with similar addictions/issues, I think it is time we move forward in a positive way but in fear of rugsweeping, we both agreed that we have to continue on the path of healing but not moving too fast that we don't address all issues surrounding the A. It will be a rough journey I am sure. Eventually we have discussed testimonials and all that but that will be YEARS down the road if we end up being able to reconcile.

With that being said, I hate how we got here, I hate what he did, I hate his flaws, I hate our M will never be the same, that M is dead and I am fearful to eventually start a new one but those feelings are slowly fading to the background and I am focusing more on the present and our future , whatever that is. I am letting go of the outcome but deciding to be more present in the here and now and work through those feelings with my IC and through other outlets. I am tired of letting the A have so much power over my thoughts, self worth, and children's lives, I was someone before him and I will be someone after with him or without him, and I want her healthy.

My goal is to do IC for the next 6 months AT LEAST to work on more of my codependency issues and when I feel like I am strong enough to really look at my life and my H and realize I can do and be anyone I want to be then I will move forward with really reconciling. Each day I grow a little bit stronger and a little more emotionally independent.

Thank you all for the support, advice, and love, and even tough love that you have shown me here. I hope to continue growing and helping in return when and where I can because I know how instrumental you all were to me in the early days, and continue being as I try to heal.

Fantastic update, Groot. You are an inspiration.

Thank you ink! You have been invaluable to me here.

That is a great update, and yes it will change back and forth from time to time.

I had no idea that I could be the happiest but yet the saddest I have ever been in my entire life.

Very well said, I know this feeling exactly, at a year I was getting my self esteem back. You also seem to indicate in your healing that you are getting your self esteem back too. Realizing that the AP was nothing compared to you, he didn't appreciate what he had and went digging in the trash for something else.

Between a year and 18 months I leveled her up in the M, I was ready to work on all of it together. Functioning in a M and trying to R after infidelity is like trying to ride two bicycles at the same time. I had to stop bringing up infidelity every time I was stressed. The car has a flat tire "well if her ass hadn't been cheating, maybe we wouldn't have a flat". We had to separate the two but work on them together. That was a real turning point for us.

I don't post a whole lot because are have been dealing with a whole other crisis, but I have been following your progress and wish the best for you.

💚

It seems surreal to think that I’ve spent the last two years of my life getting a PhD in infidelity recovery, from the University of Hard Knocks, North Korean campus. But it has set me on a path to a chance at a good life, and it means more than you know to hear that it is benefiting others, redeems the loss a little at a time.

I am amazed at your patience. You are a year out and talking about taking six months to further heal and only then really making a call about committing to the R process. I remember feeling completely freaked out by the 2 to 5 year timeframe oft quoted here. But it’s real, and I admire that you are accepting that.

It put a huge smile on my face to hear you say you are happy, even if it only last for 5 minutes. This things recedes slowly. More joy is coming. Just keep on the healing path. You got this.

Thank you so much Tanner, I really appreciate that, I hope the other crisis resolves soon, infidelity is a crisis that takes up too much emotional capacity , no room for more!

I have been stopping myself lately from throwing the A in his face every chance I get, I say them in my head and sometimes the comebacks are sooooooooo good it hurts to not say them but I have gotten better.

Our special needs daughter just had to have a few teeth extracted due to her grinding and her sensory issues to brushing her teeth. He took her to her surgery and he was so upset that she had to have them pulled and blamed himself for not taking better care of her teeth, to be honest we both could have did better but it is extremely hard with her sensory issues, it is like force brushing and she hates it. I know deep down him and I both could have done better , he should have been home more and I should have made it a priority (it takes 2 people to brush her teeth), it takes two involved parents.

I really wanted to just say " Well if you weren't too busy having sex in the woods and were home more often to help your children then maybe this wouldn't have happened". But I didn't, I think mostly because he already took ownership of it and also because it was just a mean thing to say and I know I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me but it was a low blow to a man that is already facing the fallout from his own actions '

The me 6 months ago would have made him cry.

We had to separate the two but work on them together. That was a real turning point for us.

With all that being said ^ I hope we are on the right path behind you.

I hope the other crisis resolves soon

I have shared this before but we have a Son with autism, he is severe and non verbal. He is like having a 15 year old toddler. Last year April 2023, he had regressed so slowly over time. We finally had a DR listen to us and sent us to ER to run tests. It turns out he we in catatonia, his mind and body was shutting down. They stablized him but his seizures and behavior would act up. It was a lot of trial and error with meds. He spent the next 4.5 months in the Children's hospital, my W stay with him the whole time and slept at the Ronald McDonald house at night. He was then transferred to a Houston hospital for another 4.5 months, my W went with him and stayed at the Holiday Inn for the entire time. She was not home for 9 months and I spent every minute working or travelling to visit. This past January we had to place him in a long term care facility and my W is home now.

We are a great team in his care, she is an absolute bad ass of an advocate for him (Warrior Mom). I am so thankful for the work we did because we didn't know the storm that was approaching. I should have been worried about her 4 hours away in a hotel, but I trusted her, we both had a mission. We are dealing with the guilt and the feeling we could have done more or done things better, but we did the best we could. Also, I totally get the brushing the teeth, its very difficult.

Sorry for the T/J but with special needs kids you have to work as a team.

T/J completely fine! I do remember reading that.

I am so happy you two could pull together and be there for him when he needed you! Our daughter is eight years old and she’s completely non-verbal as well, tiny little 30 lb cutie packed with tons of punch. She is what we call small but mighty. She has a rare syndrome that is usually associated with seizures / g tubes/ wheel chairs but we got so unbelievably blessed that she is walking, self feeding (with her hands) spaghetti night is so much fun
She really is doing so well , we are thankful every day.

I know that the seizures may come later and I told my H she needs us. Could you imagine as a special needs parent trying to co parent let alone have another person around your child that you don’t approve of? Those are the things my H and I talk about now. How incredibly selfish and unthinking he was …

You’re right about working as a team. I remember her early hospital stays and all of her medical appts now which aren’t insane but still a lot and we are already tapped, I can imagine how you all feel. I’m glad she did the work!

The anger is receding, but the fact you weren’t afraid to hold it told your husband he better get his shit together. It’s not easy to be authentic and you did it. I do think it’s appropriate for you to hold things back like your dentist example. Not for him but also because it will take a while to train your brain to say "you are no longer in immediate danger" and that means being mindful of your self talk and filtering to a certain degree.

Knowing the difference between being vulnerable and mean is wise. You can be vulnerable and express your feelings in a healthy way and still not speak out of spite. It won’t be a perfect path, so be patient with yourself but so glad to hear you have gotten to feel some happiness again.

I may have said this before to you but I believe we heal not to feel pain, but to let a wider range of feelings in again. The happiness is direct evidence the hard work you have put in is in fact working. I imagine you still have grief to proceed but the fact more things are showing up is an excellent sign.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:39 PM, Friday, October 18th]

I have been stopping myself lately from throwing the A in his face every chance I get, I say them in my head and sometimes the comebacks are sooooooooo good it hurts to not say them but I have gotten better.

That's me.

I'm very happy for you. You've done great work since your d-day.

You are already helping people by sharing your experience. Advice has some value, but documenting what you have done to heal is priceless.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:40 PM, Friday, October 18th]

Sisoon, I feel like the little girl from the movie the ring when the therapist says

"I know you don't really want to hurt people"

and her response is

"But I do."

That is me.
Just to bring some light to my shitty situation.

Sometimes hurting him makes me feel better because I am so hurt but I have gotten a million times better and I find myself biting my tongue and erasing hurtful texts more than I like to admit.

First, you are already helping people deal with infidelity by sharing your experience. That's worth keeping in mind.

Super true, thank you for that reminder.

First, you are already helping people deal with infidelity by sharing your experience.

When I joined SI there was a BW that joined right about the same time, our healing ran parallel. She was pissed!!! She started so many rant threads and had questions, she wanted blood! She was so helpful because on days that I felt something or had a question she had already posted it. Like this lady is reading my mind. Her contribution here was invaluable, she helped so many people and then rode off into the sunset. Never hesitate to post your experience.