SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My special needs daughter participates in a program that gives back to the families and specifically siblings of the special needs children (medical stays, having to grow up early, not living a normal life).
Anyways, last year in the middle of the affair we went to her first event. It was at a zoo and I had a blast, my kids had a blast and my H acted like he didn’t want to really be there or mostly checked out. Complained about the drive , too hot , kids too ornery , etc. this year they did the event again and I told my H how important it was for me that he really is involved and patient with the kids since last year hurt me.

The biggest issue is the zoo is in the city and (3 miles down the street from where he would always have sex with AP). When we hit the city I l felt physically sick and I dry heaved (quietly) a few times. My kids didn’t notice but I was literally shaking , I couldn’t breathe and it was awful. We made it through the trip with my H doing everything I asked him and when I asked him how he felt about being so close to there, he looked sick.

He told me he didn’t want to go because for him it also makes him feel sick and he gets anxiety and it floods him with memories he doesn’t wan but he went for the kids and I , we agreed to keep it happy and I pretended to love every second of it. I freaking hated it. The park was only open to the special
Needs kiddos and families there was so much for them to do and I felt so mentally checked out. Like I was disassociating to an extent because I couldn’t physically handle it.
I feel like I failed once again.

After dropping my oldest off at her aunts for a sleepover I cried the whole way home and I’m so emotionally spent and sad I didn’t even yell at my H. What is there to say , that I haven’t said? I tried to practice all the breathing exercises and finally said eff if, I felt in danger and so unsafe for hours and man my body hates me now.

We came home and my H offered next time to go to a zoo an hour away if I wanted to go again because I don’t think I can go back that way for a long freaking time.
He lit my candle and left me in the room to be alone with my thoughts which he’s learning is my new ritual when I’m spiraling. He sat on the bed for a long while just staring off, he knows he did this and there is nothing he can do to help me through this anymore , he’s terrified of losing us and he should be. I feel I’m too traumatized right now to even think rationally , maybe I should have just skipped this year and not went

He ruined so many things for me and him and his u*** a** AP should have the karma bus run over both of them. (I’m glad I didn’t talk to him tonight) I would spit venom.

I just ordered the body keeps the score in hopes it helps.

I’m not asking anything just venting and I think the hardest part of all of this has been locations and triggers. Some have faded over time , my H can now close doors in the house without me
Crying, I can shower without flooding, I can even hear her name (sometimes) only at work though.

I don’t know. Infidelity should be a crime here in the US and I told my H the same thing and he didn’t even pause , he fully agreed.

I wonder how it feels to watch someone completely fall apart at your feet? To know that you carry that kind of power to destroy someone…

That is a hell he has to carry forever.

There's a park near our house that has an out of the way spot with a creek and crayfish. It became our tradition to go to that park every mother's day and my wife would be like a child again walking the rocks and catching crayfish with the kids. It became near sacred to me. It was our family's. And wife decided during her affair that that'd be a good spot to fuck POSOM. Why not, right? It's off the beaten path, back in her "happy place". Why the fuck not defile it? Like, how the fuck did images of your children and husband acting as a family not haunt you while you were doing your dirt with this ass clown bitch boy? But, it didn't. And what was once sacred to us, to our children, is now a place I do not think I'll ever go back to no matter how much I may heal. Some times, there's just things like that. I think the kids would like to go back, but I'm just not. And I really don't feel guilt about that, just anger at wife and that little bitch boy who stole that from us so he could get his dick wet. I've drawn my boundary. I don't go there. The kids don't have to know exactly why. I know I didn't steal it, that's on her. If you have to draw a hard boundary, groot, just rest easy knowing you didn't do it. There's nothing wrong with you for having a visceral reaction to a place like that. It happens to the best of us. Sending love and good vibes your way.

The power of these triggers is nothing to mess with, particularly as early as you are. I’d get laid out for days. Like Marine said, even if it’s something that disappoints the kids, this is an area that you should be prioritizing your own needs and health.
It sounds like you went down hard . One method besides breathing and time that my IC recommended was a cold water shock. I honestly never tried it, he said that toward the end of the worst of it for me, so I can’t personally speak to its efficacy. But turn the shower on cold, hop in and stay as long as you can stand it.
Body keeps the Score is an interesting book, but I don’t think it’s going to have silver bullets for you. If I recall correctly, I think that is where I first learned about EMDR. I do highly recommend that.

to be alone with my thoughts

As much as you can, as soon as you can, when you go down the path put your attention on the thoughts themselves. Thinking about the A offers little, thinking about why you are thinking about the A offers potentially deep insights.

Always try to spend at least as much time thinking about the thoughts themselves. In a way, you’ve done that with your post, no?

Work to make it a habit. It will pay off, I promise.

It's hard and it sucks when those triggers hit like that. Be sure you're kind to yourself.

ruined so many things for me and

Unfortunately, a lot of the actions of the WS, during the course of the affair can seem to be almost focused on this type of thing.

You are very close to D-Day as well.

The hardest thing to learn, is that your WS was likely not really thinking about you at all during the entire thing. It's kind of a compartmentalization that goes on in the head, where they block out the fact that they are married, have responsibilities, mortgages, and all the possible damage that this is going to cost.

I found this really hard to believe. How could you not be thinking about those things???

1345Marine had a similar experience to mine. My spouse had her AP pick her up, took him to the place where we had our first date, a heavily forested but very busy public park on the edge of a large town, in the middle of the day they parked, made out within a stones throw of where we had met that evening to take a hike, 9 years before. They started in the car, then got out and had sex up against a tree.

Not the wisest decision making under any circumstance.

But on top of that, we had a family tradition of taking our children to the park every year on the anniversary of our first date, and going on the same hike, and we always parked at the same place where she and I met. Again, a stones throw from where they did this.

You would have to think that something like this has something to do with the BS, something directed. "I did this because".

How could it not be right?

But the problem is that the WS is often not thinking about the BS, bills, children, or consequences, at all except BETWEEN the sexual events and a lot of that thought is negative, blame transferring, etc.

When the buildup to the sexual events and the sexual events occur, they aren't thinking about you at all. That thinking occurs afterward, after the come down from the high.

I think the best way to put it as "they didn't do this to spite you, they did it despite you".

Everybody's experience is different, but you have to actually look at this and understand that you were less than meaningless during these events. We also had four children, the oldest was seven, the youngest was just a year old. The question your WS has to answer now, divorce or not, is are they going to treat you, the children, family, and responsibilities, and everything else that they should not have betrayed, moving forward.

Standingthere...In rhe final.line of your tag " Reconciled, but!"..Such a powerful , accurate summation of where many BS find themselves over time. I was thinking, only yesterday, how both WW and I have been so deeply scarred by her affair with the cruel.loss of innocence and trust the biggest losses.. Sometimes I feel emotionally stripped of all defence against triggers, especially, as in this thread, where certain.places we used to hold as special, almost sacred spots, are now the cause of a queasy, unsettled feeling. Unbeknownst to.me we moved, at we'd insistence to a town and neighbourhood very close, like one street over, from where her AP lived, all the better to continue into a second iteration of her liaison with doctor POS. I can't even see that town on a map now without becoming very morose, sad and depressed. I am glad for those who have managed to.move on.past this point, but nothing has really diminished the pain. I am not going to.leave WW and at two years out from revelation of what she had done, I can only trust.these moments of unwelcome memories will ultimately decrease and become. Mundane, banal and powerless to hurt.