SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi - first of all I would like to say how had I am to have found this community in light of my WH’s affair. It has been a source comfort, good advice and a place to feel safe to discuss without fear of judgement.

I would like to discuss a few things that just roll around in my head and would love peoples opinions. I do apologise in advance for the ramble lol.

I have read on many posts how after an affair your spouse is not longer the person you knew them to be or loved and that the marriage is also not what you believed it to be.

Now I get this, I really do BUT is this the same for every affair?

Like does one affair really change the person you originally fell in love with and married or did they change over the course of time and at the moment of the affair are the worst version of themselves? And why can’t they with work redeem themselves and be better? And does an affair honestly end the marriage you loved or can you get over the event and be as happy as it once was albeit with a new piece of history.

I sometimes think that affairs can be situational.I also think that good people can make bad choices. And I wonder if all people are capable of affairs.

But is this just me trying to explain away what has happened? Maybe make it easier to accept? I’m not sure. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Hi Webbit,
Welcome to SI, I’m sorry you find yourself here, but am glad you found us.

You’ve asked multiple questions.

Like does one affair really change the person you originally fell in love with and married or did they change over the course of time and at the moment of the affair are the worst version of themselves? And why can’t they with work redeem themselves and be better?

I don’t think there is one answer to this question that can be uniformly applied. Some people truly believe their spouse was faultless pre-A and the A has them questioning if they ever knew the person at all. Others may have a sense of who their spouse was prior, but maybe didn’t appreciate the depth of the dysfunction. Regardless, most of us are pretty surprised that the person we pledged our fidelity to, was capable of this level of deceit.

I think that for most Waywards, the A does reveal some truth about who they actually are as a person. While a lot of Waywards act entirely out of character when they are in the A, I wouldn’t say that it was the A that caused it, in many cases, it was something that was present, at least in part beforehand that the A revealed.

There are people who will disagree with me, but I think most people are redeemable. That is not to say that most will do the work to make them worthy of that redemption, just that it is possible. Even if they do that work, it does not mean that they are owed a second chance.

And does an affair honestly end the marriage you loved or can you get over the event and be as happy as it once was albeit with a new piece of history.

Again, I think the answer to this is going to depend on who you ask. I am happily reconciled with my spouse, so take my response with that in mind. I think when a lot of people ask this question they are hoping for things to go back to the good old days, the moments before you learned of the A and your life changed entirely. So you can continue on the trajectory you thought you were on before all of this. That isn’t possible. You will never go back to that, and that marriage is dead. With time and work and honesty and vulnerability (and the all-in commitment of both parties) you can decide to build a new marriage, that I assure you can be perfectly wonderful and rewarding. Yes, this will always be a part of your history, but it won’t always hurt the way it does now. I personally, wouldn’t think of the A much these days if it wasn’t for posting here, nut there is no way to the new marriage without going through it all and breaking it all down before you can rebuild. There are no shortcuts on this, rugsweeping doesn’t work, and the only way past it is through it. Many people will say that it’s not something you ever "get over", more that it’s something you learn to live with.

I sometimes think that affairs can be situational.I also think that good people can make bad choices. And I wonder if all people are capable of affairs

I agree that affairs can be extremely situational. My husband’s certainly was, and although I don’t think it would have occurred had it not been for some very specific circumstances, I do think he had some personal vulnerabilities that always would have been there and always would have been a risk factor for some sort of affair at some point, maybe another time, in any event.

Having been here as long as I have, I do believe that there are some people who would never ever have cheated no matter what the circumstances. I do think that for a lot of people, myself included, no matter how much we believed that it was wrong, we could have found ourselves in a slippery slope scenario given the right set of circumstances. I believe that having been through this, and done the work, and seen the devastation , and tightened my boundaries, and been through all the therapy and self discovery I have, I think both myself and my spouse are way less likely to cheat than we were before any of this.

In my opinion, affairs are very similar to addictions. The destructive behavior of both are so similar it’s hard not to draw that conclusion. Hell, even on this forum, I believe there is a post from a WW called "Maria’s withdrawal guide" going into great detail about the withdrawal of being around AP. I know for a fact my WW went through extremely similar stages of withdrawal, to include shakes. I’ve also delt with family who are addicts and the experience is frighteningly the same.

The issue is change and admitting they have a problem, which takes self awareness and emotional pain. People who are prone to affairs don’t typically have that ability. In my opinion an affair is the ultimate sign that a person has no self awareness and is only thinking about themselves.

Affairs, like any addiction show what the WP is capable of doing in order to make themselves feel better, no matter the consequences. It shows a weakness of character, and a deep rooted selfishness.

That being said, it can be whatever you choose it to be for your own marriage. I personally don’t subscribe to having hope that WP will change or to believe that things will be better. Not to be a downer, but often many BPs get so full of hope that they lose sight of reality and don’t see that WP is not actually taking action to change. An affair shows that your partner will discard everything both of you established for your relationship and that they are willing to sacrifice the BP. Fixing that takes serious work, pain, and self awareness. It’s easier to pretend and not actually do it, and humans are notorious for taking the east path.

I have read on many posts how after an affair your spouse is not longer the person you knew them to be or loved and that the marriage is also not what you believed it to be.

While I was well aware that, pre-affair, my H wasn't perfect, I didn't think that he was the type of person--even in a crisis situation--who could make choices that were so destructive and lacked such empathy.

So, it wasn't that he was no longer the person I loved. He wasn't who I thought he was. He was someone who could be supremely selfish in a crisis; he was someone who repeatedly and for a long period of time could be disloyal. Beyond that, after being discovered and confronted, he was someone who would protect himself by lying to my face for months during trickle truth.

So, yes, looking back on the time during the affair made me feel that the marriage I was experiencing was not real. I thought we were pretty solid...but he was being regularly disloyal and carrying on a secret life.

But he was also capable of things I couldn't imagine he was capable of, so he was (and probably had been) someone I didn't fully know or understand.

Can he change and become much more communicative, transparent, and honest? Can he become less avoidant? Can he be consistently empathetic?
Can he be more resilient, more honest with himself and reflective, so that--even in a difficult situation--he won't choose the selfish and destructive choice?

Well, now we've just defined what "doing the work" looks like.

Life is life. A "situation" might come up again, and I want to be married to someone who won't cheat on me and who has integrity and emotional resilience in any situation.

Like does one affair really change the person you originally fell in love with and married or did they change over the course of time and at the moment of the affair are the worst version of themselves?

You are what you do. If you are doing bad things, you are a bad person.

I think affairs reveal people’s character, not just to other people but often to themselves. The ones you have hope for are the ones that face that truth. Almost all at least go through the "I’m a good person who made a mistake" phase.

And why can’t they with work redeem themselves and be better?

it is absolutely a possibility. There is a sort of famous saying in leadership, exercising good judgment, comes from experience and experience comes from exercising bad judgment.

And does an affair honestly end the marriage you loved or can you get over the event and be as happy as it once was albeit with a new piece of history.

. Every marriage I’ve ever seen, including mine has been a living thing, continually evolving over time for a million reasons. The idea of returning it to its previous state…. It most likely wouldn’t be in that state now, even if the affair hadn’t happened.

To reverse the saying, bliss comes from ignorance, and now the ignorance is gone. It doesn’t mean you can’t have something much deeper, something that is based on a more fuller understanding of human nature and the challenges it poses.

I don’t doubt that it’s possible to come out with something better than before. But to do that both parties have to grow. Not just heal, but grow. With that growth and the partnership can likely reach a state of peace and truth, something that can be sustained through all the stuff that life throws at you that gets in the way of your happiness. Happiness is pretty much fleeting after all. Look for the thing that can be permanent.

Ideally, both parties will grow after the affair, even if it ends in divorce. They’ll take a lesson learned and be stronger in their next marriage. Or the third fourth or fifth.

Great post HouseofPlane.