I am not sure I am in the right place for this question I think that I want to hear from people that have reconciled or are attempting at it.
I feel like I have so many right now so sorry in advance!
I think in my heart eventually I will want to reconcile if my H keeps up his counseling and continues to grow as a safe person and changes his morals and values (he is working on it). Right now I am trying to focus on myself and start therapy in a few days but I find myself still stuck in the question phase (its been 4months since D day so I know it is early) At first my H defended his A and his AP to and extent, the normal BS you hear : She knew me better, she and I connected more He has over time started to see what it was and he hates what he did to us and our family.
Now I find myself almost pain shopping, I ask questions about their sexual stuff even though he has already admitted that he enjoyed sex with her then but absolutely hates it now and he realizes how gross and blah blah it was and how she wasn't this beautiful girl he thought she was. He said he saw himself how he wanted to through her eyes, which I hear is pretty common. Last night I kept asking what she had that I didn't have or what she did that I did not do and he started to get really upset and cry that I was "breaking him down" that he had nothing else to tell me and I was searching for things to internationally hurt me. He told me nothing was better with her but he admitted she wasn't awful in bed but she wasn't amazing and that he may have enjoyed it then but doesn't now, that the only reason he did then is because he knew she was below him and he felt better and it raised his self esteem. He told me he thinks that I keep asking questions to try to get him to change his answers into something I want to hear that will hurt me so I can put the nail in the coffin and leave him. I think he may be right? Why do I keep wanting to get him to tell me she was amazing and rocked his world, I mean she tried reallllllllllll hard to steal him so maybe she did but even if she did WHY WOULD I WANT TO KNOW? He said that every time I ask sexual questions he has to think about it by recalling the memories he is trying to forget and it makes him sick and he doesn't want them anymore. He said all the memories are tied to pain.
I know that there is no comparison in MY brain, I know what i have to offer and what she did, I don't feel below her in any way BUT I worry about his thoughts, what he may think now, how can I compete with a fantasy? I let my guard down and was a flawed mom during his A and she gave it her all, he only saw her on her good days at her best.
I put myself on a pedestal, I really thought our sex life was amazing and that no one could come close to making him happy sexually but me, that was a stupid thought clearly. He told me I need to stop worrying about what he thinks about because it isn't about her and if it is, they aren't good memories but once again, I will never know.
I guess my questions are.
1. I hate when he cries when I ask him questions, he says it is because saying anything that hurts me makes him feel like crap and he has hurt me enough, but I still find that to be shame? Or is it normal and considered empathy? He answers my questions over and over but eventually he breaks maybe it is stress , idk. I usually am relentless because I am stubborn (working on that)
2. as a BS did you pain shop like this or as a WS did your BS pain shop? Why do I keep trying to hurt myself more, I don't think this is normal that I can not let it go, if I will ever reconcile I feel like i eventually have to stop hurting myself.
3. Does this feeling of feeling less than the AP ever go away after reconciliation or will I always feel a twinge of it?
I did end up blocking her on Social media because I got tired of staring at her and wondering what he saw in her and I have deleted all of the texts and messages H and I had during the time of the A because I kept re reading his lies and I cried when I deleted them, it was a bittersweet moment and I don't know why. I should have been happy but I was sad I couldn't keep reading them over and over even though it hurt. I still have a photo on my phone (locked away) of them two together although I don't look at it anymore, I can't delete it. I feel so stupid for that.
Sorry for the long explanation, sometimes I ramble.
[This message edited by Groot1988 at 2:15 PM, Tuesday, February 13th]