SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Having such a tough time the past little while. After finding out my XF and his AP just had a romantic trip to the mountains only two months after we broke up (we broke up 2 weeks after DDay). He used the classic tactics of blaming me for his cheating because he wasn’t attracted to me, along with him gaslighting me while I had been suspecting the affair a long time ago. When he left he framed it as I emotionally exhausted him and he needed to find what makes him happy in life by going to therapy. As no surprise, that all went out the window and he is now with his AP who left her husband for him.

I feel so much. Im so upset that he turned this on me making it sound like I emotionally neglected him when he never brought any concerns up to me ever in the relationship (despite me asking infinite times if he would tell me if he ever had a problem with me). To justifying leaving by saying that he needed to find what makes him happy in life which was a bunch of bs to be with her. I feel intense anger towards both of them for abandoning their long term partners for each other right before the holidays, while they’re out travelling and adventuring together is disgusting. It feels like we’ve been disposed of like human garbage.

I’m also angry that my XF was so complacent in our relationship and never planned anything like their getaway. Any trip we ever took it was me planning, doing all of the driving, mostly paying, and ALWAYS feeling taken for granted because he couldn’t genuinely thank me for putting the trips together. I really feel like the chump since he’s out living his life with her right now while I’m left with the trauma and crying almost every day. I recently put up the engagement ring for sale online after a two jewellers told me it has absolutely no re-sale value. Naturally this ignited several people asking me what happened and having to re-live everything all over again. I gave so much to him to get absolutely nothing but pain and trauma in the end.

Was their little jaunt posted on FB for all their admirers to oooh and ahhh about? I'm thinking she just stepped in to the role you had of trip planner and he hasn't suddenly changed. I hear you how painful it is to contrast what he gave you with what "they" are up to, but it is mostly illusion.

How long were you with him?

I can relate to so much of what you're going through. During the period of TTing, the STBXH started saying that he had been unhappy for a while, which was literally the first I heard of it! Like you, I had often asked if anything was wrong and he said no.

This is a common tactic used among cheaters, some around here refer to it as a page in the cheater's handbook. They will retroactively create pretend problems in the relationship so they can justify their poor behavior. No one wants to see themselves as a villain, so they will either make things up or make existing things seems much worse than they are to explain why they are not a monster. It's disgusting.

My STBXH moved in with the AP a little while after I kicked him out. The AP also left her H. I am so envious they get to live together and have the life I used to have, enjoyed, and still want. It feels unfair and awful because it is unfair and awful!

I feel so much. Im so upset that he turned this on me making it sound like I emotionally neglected him when he never brought any concerns up to me ever in the relationship (despite me asking infinite times if he would tell me if he ever had a problem with me).

He didn't bring up any concerns with the relationship because he didn't have any. He just has the attention span of a gnat and no understanding of a long-term commitment requires, so he's just moving on to the next shiny thing.

I’m also angry that my XF was so complacent in our relationship and never planned anything like their getaway. Any trip we ever took it was me planning, doing all of the driving, mostly paying, and ALWAYS feeling taken for granted because he couldn’t genuinely thank me for putting the trips together. I really feel like the chump since he’s out living his life with her right now while I’m left with the trauma and crying almost every day.

I completely agree with Superesse's take on this. What makes you think that he planned and paid for this getaway? I'm willing to bet that his only contribution to this trip was saying "Good idea, hon!" and then showing up for it.

I know you're reeling right now but trust me... the losses you're coping with, both emotional and financial, are nothing compared to what you would've gone through if you married this man. From everything you've described in this post and your last, your ex is complete garbage and OW did you a huge favor by taking this piece of shit off your hands.

Sorry you find yourself here and in this situation. Kindly, how do you know all this about their relationship? If it is because you are still in touch with him via social media, you need to stop that immediately. No new contact = no new hurts. It appears that you have had a brush here with what we call pain shopping. For your own sake, you’ve gotta stop that now.

A better focus for you would be to find that one destination vacation that you wanted to take but he didn’t want. Maybe it was a domestic trip like going to see the Grand Canyon or an elaborate foreign trip to somewhere like Paris, Rome, or other destinations. In a relationship we all compromise on stuff and what I encourage you to do is think about that place or places you’ve always wanted to go, but you didn’t because of him, then start planning that trip and go. Make it a great trip. You are reclaiming your agency over your life. I realize that may not sound like the most helpful advice, but you need to start doing things for you and only you. Because in the midst of your relationship with him, you set yourself aside for the betterment of the relationship and now that you are no longer in that relationship, it’s time to move on. If you can’t go on the trip now, maybe you can start figuring out a way to make it happen down the road. The intent of my advice is to get you to move forward without former partner in every sense of the word. The best revenge is a life well lived without them, so get to work on that revenge sister!