Yesterday, my H messaged me on his way home from work and said that he was "stopping by" the veterans organization that he runs. Okay, cool. I'm thinking he'll be home in a couple of hours.
I called him about 6:30 and asked him to bring me something yummy for dinner. He said he was planning on having two drinks and then heading home, and he was already almost finished with the first one. He'll call me when he leaves and we can discuss what's for dinner.
At 7:40, he sent me a text: "Delayed. Talking with Tony." No worries. I figure I'll see him about 8:30.
At 9, I start sending funny gifs about starving to death. Nothin'. They were sent in Messenger, so I can tell he hadn't looked at them.
I called him at 9:20 and he said that he had gotten sidetracked and hadn't thought about his agreement to bring me dinner at all. I'm hurt and pissed and I tell him so. I had a bowl of cereal and watched Big Brother.
At 10:30, I could see on the iPhone map that he was still at the post and I called him. "Look, I'm getting madder by the minute and I don't want to, so I called you." He appreciated that and stepped outside so we could talk.
He says that he got engrossed in a conversation with an older lady whose husband just died last week and forgot all about me, and intimated that I was being insensitive and selfish by expecting him to put me first (aka think about me at all) when he's having this deep heartfelt conversation with someone. I said, "Nope. Uh uh. Look, all you had to do from the git go is say 'I'm going to the post to hang out. I don't know how late I'll be so I can't bring you dinner. I'll let you know when I'm headed home.' Don't fucking lead me on with verbiage like 'stopping by' and 'delayed.' And if you do get sidetracked, all you have to do is take 30 seconds to shoot me a text to let me know that plans have changed." 30 friggin' seconds is not a lot to ask, but the problem is even getting to the point where he remembers that he made a commitment to me. He doesn't remember at all - until I call and am upset with him. And then he feels guilty and gets defensive.
He tried to say that the "Delayed" message should have registered with me to get my own dinner. Uh, no. You said "DELAYED" not "Can't bring dinner." Clear communication, man. CLEAR. COMMUNICATION.
The he started hollering about being a good man, and all the good work he does at the post, and how he deserves for me to cut him some slack and I said, "NOPE. STOP. THAT'S NOT THE TOPIC RIGHT NOW. We're talking about your actions not matching your words today."
Time management has been an ongoing problem since day one. One time when we were very early in our relationship, he was home on leave and borrowed my car when I was at work. I stood outside waiting for him when I got off and was HOT when he finally showed up half an hour late and said, "I'm sorry. I got lost." He meant he lost track of time, but I heard "I'm trying to play it off like I'm late because I got lost in the town I grew up in." I essentially told him not to ever pull that shit in MY CAR ever again or I will cut you. We were in a brand new relationship where he was scorching hot to trot to be with me after chasing me for three years, and he still forgot about me.
Anyway, I think he truly has ADHD, a one-track mind, and time blindness, so I'm not sure how reasonable it is to expect him to remember me when he's engrossed in something else. And I don't know what the solution is. Is it yet another thing that has to rest on my shoulders so as not to be a constant sore spot? Because look, bitch, I have ADHD too and I don't let your ass down like that.
What I need to ascertain is whether or not he'd forget SOMEONE ELSE if they had asked him to bring dinner or whatever, because right now I'm thinking he wouldn't, but that could just be my butthurt talking. I think that another person would be in the back of his mind the whole time he was engrossed in conversation. He's good about keeping commitments to other people. So there's something in him that maybe views me as an extension of him? Or something?
Input appreciated.
Pertinent info: Infidelity is not a current concern. We're in the best shape we've ever been in, with deep, meaningful connection and growth. I'm trying to remind myself that perfection is not attainable, and there will be incidents like this because we're human.
[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 10:56 PM, Friday, November 3rd]