SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I finally reached out to an attorney to proceed filing for the divorce. My exh said he was going to but haven’t communicated with him since I called him out on all his lies, he blocked me instead. Been married 18 years together for 20, with two wonderful teenagers. Been separated since feb. this year. I am devastated, I thought I was living a wonderful life a great husband and beautiful kids. Come to find out it was all a facade. Found out after he left before looking me in the eyes saying there’s no other girl involved, the truth came out. My exh had been having an affair with a girl from work for a couple of months, they still together. then found out prior to that his been paying escorts for sex, I don’t know for how long but for what I know it’s been 5 years. I’m trying to figure out what part I played in the marriage, why was I so stupid not having any intuition that something was wrong. He blamed me saying he was depressed because I didn’t show him any affection and that he had to beg for sex. I asked why he never talked about it, I didn’t think anything of it because he was suffering with ED so I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Since the separation Im realizing we both have communication problems , and I’m realizing I have avoidance issues. His right maybe i pushed him to seek out comfort outside the marriage, it hurts so bad to know I caused it and now it’s over. I’m trying desperately to feel any sense of normalcy but I can’t stop thinking about it day and night. I hurt, I’m trying to fix myself getting therapy but I still yearn for what I thought I had.

Welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. There are some pinned posts at the top of the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that you may find helpful. There is also the Healing Library, which is chock full of information and includes a list of the acronyms we use.

First, you didn't cause him to cheat. He made that decision all on his own. He could have done a bunch of different things, including communicating with you that he wanted to D before having an A (affair).

It's said that it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, so you are just getting started on your healing journey. What you are feeling is normal and thinking about it day/night is normal in the beginning. What you will want to work on in therapy is developing mechanisms to help you get through this phase so you aren't thinking about it all the time. But, it is normal during this time.

There's also a thread where you can post what you'd like to say to your STBXWH (soon to be ex-wayward husband) so that you stay NC (no contact). Use it when you want to vent to him.

Sorry you had to find us.

First off: no, you did not cause him to cheat. He’s blameshifting, a tactic of the cheaters’ handbook. Funny how they only tell us their issues after the fact of having fucked us over. Ridiculous.

Second: this will hurt. It’s ok to mourn and grieve. Reality as you knew it has been upended. What you knew was an illusion. Let yourself feel but don’t let it consume you. Breathe. Keep hydrated. Keep nourished, whatever you can stomach.

Third: the illusion of your husband. He just showed you who he really is, and as hard as it is, you must believe him. This is a guy who, instead of actually coming to you and telling you straight his concerns, he decides to fuck around with escorts and run into another woman’s arms to escape the shitiness of his actions. You both may have issues with communication and avoidance, but he was the one who ultimately decided to break the relationship by cheating. He’s got those issues dialed up to 11.

If you can, be sure to find individual therapy for yourself and your children. Practice self care. This will be a journey, and I’m sorry that you had to join us.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 6:31 PM, Tuesday, June 20th]

Thank you, I appreciate this forum. I try to tell my family about the cheating with coworker but ashamed to tell them about the escorts. the first thing my mom said was "maybe you’re not doing your wifely duty" and my sister said he was a jerk move on life’s too short, I just wanted someone to hug me and tell me it’s gonna be ok. I’m afraid I don’t want to fall into a victim mentality, so I stopped talking about it. My kids thought they would take turn to sleep in my bed to comfort me and I think their way of comforting them too. I’m grateful for my boys they keep me going.

I’m leaning more toward listening to your sister, but moving on is a lot easier said than done. Don’t worry about your mom, sounds like she’s internalized a victim blaming mentality.

I’m sending you virtual hugs, and you will reach a point where you’ll feel ok again. It will take time, but you will.

You’re raising those boys to be fine young men. Their father could learn a thing or two from them.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 8:29 PM, Tuesday, June 20th]

I'm so sorry you had to find us, but I've gotten a lot of comfort from this forum.

I'm in a similar situation where my STBXH left and has no desire to R. I don't, either, but I think there is a particular kind of pain in having your spouse cheat, leave, and not want to try and repair the relationship. There are advantages to this, too. We don't have to spend years in false R waiting for the other shoe to drop. We also get to begin healing and moving forward much more quickly.

I understand your feeling dumb over not seeing the signs, I feel the same way. I don't know how I missed it so completely. The thing is, cheaters are expert liars and are excellent at compartmentalizing. They take advantage of us because we are honest and so we assume others are, too. You are NOT stupid for trusting your husband, that is what is supposed to be the case - we are supposed to be able to trust our spouses!

This forum is bittersweet, I wished we didn’t have to be in this situation, I wish I can move on so easily like my ex now living with the woman.
It’s just so painful, I’m so empty but I try to be there for my boys. They went to lunch Father’s Day, and I wanted to scream he doesn’t deserve the day with you guys. I know I was being selfish, for 17 years we celebrated Father’s Day together as a family, I need to get use to celebrating holidays without him. I just need to move on, I keep holding on to the past. We were a team! We would play basketball, me and him against our boys! Why are all the good memories now bring sadness.
I know eventually we move on, but darn it, it hurts right now! I’m so sorry for all the broken hearts here, I keep thinking if we can turn back time would we choose this path again? I love my boys, so yes.
I have Freddy mercury "I want to be free blasting on repeat"

Why are all the good memories now bring sadness.

Because those memories are with someone who is no longer with you. Grieve who he was, but not the coward he is now. He is now someone who had no problem walking off into a new relationship and leaving a mess for you to clean up while blocking off contact in the process.

To him, out of sight = out of mind = what he did wasn’t that bad. But no amount of ignoring it will change who he’s shown himself to be. He might have changed the partner, but he still brings the same issues.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 3:42 AM, Thursday, June 22nd]