SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all,

So my newly pregnant WW (who was in a cyber/emotional A) and I are in the early phases of R, my story is in the Just Found Out section.

We are approaching week 4, and on my end I'm just moving from the rollercoaster/discovery phase to just beginning to build our relationship again (my WW is still very much rollercoastering on her end)

A week from tomorrow she's going to take a trip to see her family and go on a mother daughter trip for 4 days followed by 3 days visiting with her family. We are doing things like daily zoom check-ins and she said she would text me often

However I have disorganized attachment issues (newly discovered) and my fear is really high. Even though I've looked through her phone several times and haven't discovered anything suspicious since D-Day, my natural paranoia is still anxious thinking about her away.

Any tips from the community on what else we can do to help us not get set back during this impactful time in R?

[This message edited by Tav3n at 6:16 AM, Sunday, June 11th]

Your emotions and fears are normal. It really is up to your WW to take every step possible to make you feel secure. Checking in regularly with video calls, etc. On your end, recognize that we cannot control others. Work on mindfulness and taking care of you. Try not to obsess and if your WW is not communicating what you need that is important information moving forward. Get out and be active while she is traveling. Good luck.

She should cancel the trip.

She shouldn't be going on vacation. She should be home,helping her BH process his trauma,and working on herself, so she becomes a safe partner.

If she is committed to attempting reconciliation, she needs to reschedule her trip.

And it is OKAY to tell her so.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:42 PM, Sunday, June 11th]

Hey hellfire, I hear you and if this was a friend I would ask that. But she has family trauma she's working through and making her parents pissed at her for cancelling will hurt our R more than her staying will help.

Appreciate the advice fareast. I'm definitely going to go that approach but I need to emphasize before she leaves that I won't be ok while she's gone.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 6:25 PM, Sunday, June 11th]

She is an adult. She needs to be prioritizing her marriage right now,and if that makes her parents mad at her,then that's their problem.

Make no mistake. She is choosing who to prioritize by going.

She has family trauma with you. That should be the urgent matter.

Whilst I hear the above emphasis on triage, I also hear you on her need to attend to family trauma and do not in any case subscribe to ‘should’ type of prescription. It sounds like you are already working together well as a team and even though it’s early days, it’s good to keep sane and not completely focused on ‘the situation’. It’s also good to de-pathologise each situation and work with the specifics of each individual as a person and not as a ‘disorder’, I.e. not be entrapped by a disorder or an attachment style, this latter is anyway going to vary depending on context, and you are not just an attachment style in any case. But recognising your attachment style/s is important nevertheless and in terms of working with it/ them, using this time apart to build the elasticity of your levels of resilience and self acceptance seems, as you are doing, a positive self developmental way of approaching what could feel like a difficult period apart but which could be also a very creative and self affirming process of building self trust, which is fundamental for a BS, in my view anyway . Being busy and distracted, full of curiosity and interest in new and old activities you do whilst she’s away seems a healthy and self caring way of preparing for and managing the highs and lows of emotion that will inevitably come; I encourage you not to fear the rollercoaster, you can choose to make it an exhilarating ride, it will not kill you,if you factor in good self care. Personally, the time apart for me, as work took me overseas very soon after D-day, was important in re-stating my individuality and independence, but WH and I also kept up an intense and meaningful correspondence by email whilst apart, which was searching and restorative in equal measure. It could be that you both for example also agree a reading programme that you both follow on agreed relevant subject matter and use email and facetime/ zoom or whatever to continue the dialogue.

[This message edited by Edie at 12:24 AM, Monday, June 12th]

Really great mentality Edie. And I have a therapist who is trying to teach me exactly that, we aren't our emotions. It's just super hard to not let emotions take over when we are all going through something as traumatic as infidelity.

Definitely this could be an opportunity to build myself and the elasticity of our marriage. But she went away for a weekend earlier this month and it didn't go well at all. So my gut instinct is telling me this isnt going to be much better (more likely worse)

If she’s going to cheat, she will cheat – be it with you in the next room or 500 miles away with her mom. Things like regular calls, sms and location-trackers won’t really do much, because she could be online with OM in the room next to her family – if she was thus inclined.
But… she could also be online with OM while you walk the dog at home.

Does her mom know of the affair? I think it could help your wife a lot if she had someone positive to the marriage to talk to. But then – by your own admittance you drank too much and I’m thinking that as a parent she maybe thinks you are a terrible son-in-law…

Frankly Tev – I would use the time to focus on YOU.
You shared on JFO that she can’t take a poly but before you two knew that she seemed totally honest while doing the suggested "carpark" confrontation. Right now that leaves you in a position where you have to decide if YOU think she’s being honest or not. If yes, then IMHO your focus should be on handling your disorganized attachment issues.

I think – based on your wife being pregnant and the comments about drinking too much and addictive gaming – that your wife needs time for herself. Not for OM – but for herself. I think that the baby needs a more collected and focused mom. I think that if you could tell her something like:
"I hope you enjoy your time with mom and family but understand that I do have trust issues. I appreciate if you call me 2-3x a day, send me photos and so on that helps calm me down. I still probably will want a poly after the baby is here. If you want to be in contact with OM then there isn’t really anything I can do to prevent it. I only ask that you are upfront so we can move on in the best way for the baby – be it together or separately. Remember the only thing keeping this marriage alive is that at the moment we both want it."

Hi Tav,

I'm fWW and in 4th year of... repair? reconciliation? limbo? I have a job that requires me to travel for work and at the point where any job I take will require a certain amount of travel.

What DIDN'T help my H during my business trips was:
-not calling when I said I would
-eating with other male coworkers when I said I wouldn't
-not being consistent with texting and communicating during the day

What does help him:
-being consistent
-keeping my word
-being considerate of his needs for security

What helps us with all this is negotiating expectations ahead of time. I provide a relatively accurate schedule (best I can, often plant visits are unpredictable), what's happening at meal times (NO one on one meals with opposite sex coworkers, NO after dinner socialization) and when I will be in my room/leaving for the morning. An itemized list of what to expect basically. I stick to that, and communicate regularly, and the shit sandwich is reduced from double decker to single decker.

Communicate, communicate and communicate some more. Set concrete expectations and stick to them. Make sure the expectations are clear and reasonable to both parties (ie: location turned on, but expecting her to text every 5min is a bit much).

I am backing Edie’s advise for your own emotional self management.

I am backing MIgander’s advice for reasonable expectations for your wife.

Metaphorically - your marriage is a fresh wound that just had surgery to prevent deadly bleeding (early reconciliation). Your marriage cannot stay convalescing forever or everything else will become weaker.

Nor should the fresh repair be exposed to the world without a protection plan.

Make a support care plan wit action.

If your wife cannot either make the plan with you AND commit to putting it into action immediately upon leaving, even if she will have to disrupt others around her, then the wound/your marriage is not ready. Not because you are not healing it yet, but because she is not.

If she can’t handle that, then she should not go.

If she goes anyway, without an action plan, then you need to make a plan to care for yourself and rebuild yourself while she is gone in healthy ways.

Also, make this plan before hand in case she does not follow through on actions agreed upon.

You will need that back-up plan now and in the future.

You cannot control her, you only can control you.

Remember. Healthy boundaries are something in your control - not to control someone else.

I know all of this is SO everwhelming early on AND when trauma triggers hit.

So I will exemplify a method I use.

Every day I commit to creating balance in my life by assessing how I am doing physically, spiritually, emotionally, socially, and intellectually.

I actually write the letters PSESI daily to rememeber. You could even acronym it into "SPIES". (No idea why I thought of that now! Would have helped 10 years ago! Ha!)

The more stress in my life, the more I make sure to do something healthy, connect with my higher power, find joy and count my blessings, reach out to a friend or family that is good for me to spend time with and learn or create something. I work harder on areas that are falling behind.

No matter what Mr Uxor has done, is doing or might do, I am building myself.

So let’s say your Mrs. Tav3n does not call you at an agreed upon time. It will feel like a gut punch (trust me) and it will spiral downward the longer that time goes (experienced that too).

It will be misery for you without a coping plan for yourself.

You could have a plan for it using the acronym "SPIES".

Eg. "If I find myself waiting for that call. I will own and acknowledge the misery I feel. Then I will do a chosen "SPIES" action for that moment".

S- Maybe you call or visit a positive friend or family member.

P-Maybe you go for a walk or eat a healthy meal, or catch a power nap.

I-Maybe you can read or YouTube something you want to learn, or start it, or research a class you can take, or do a project you have started or continue learning something you need to know. Creative or analytical - what does your brain need?

E-Maybe you journal, count blessings, reach out to a place of support ( eg here) or an established support person on this issue, or make an extra appointment with a counselor.

S- Maybe you pray to your higher power or go to the most peaceful place you know and reflect on it’s beauty.

I had to and have to have these go to’s.

As for a healthy boundary with your wife. Again - you can’t control her, only you.

It would look like this:

"If you don’t call at the planned time, then I will assess how I feel and do a chosen self support action. I will not be able to answer the phone if it is later than planned because my own self care will then be the priority."

" If you have a valid excuse like someone died or someone threw your phone in a lake, obviously I will immediately forgive you and we will attend the funeral or buy a new phone….but if it was to please other people’s expectations or losing track of time, then you will have demonstrated you do not yet forsake all others for me and you will have to plan further repairs for our reconcilliation, or I will just be in work on my self-care mode. I will be rebuilding me if we are not rebuilding us."

Saying that second part pre-emptively is up to you. It may give you peace, or since this is the first time apart, you may just want something like that in your arsenal IF something goes sideways now or in the future.

Not all advice here will match your life perfectly.

So my summary takeaway is HAVE A PLAN THAT IS HEALTHY, SELF BUILDING AND ACTION ORIENTED AND ENFORCEABLE IN RESPONSE TO ANY DISRUPTING BEHAVIOR FROM YOUR WIFE.

I hope this helps.

[This message edited by Uxoragain at 3:14 PM, Monday, June 12th]

I don't know if my perspective will help, but here goes. A married volunteer associate I work closely with began making unmistakable overtures. Understand, I've been married for 25 (infidelity free) years and have always been a little slow (according to my wife) in seeing a woman's interest in me. So, the fact that I was recognizing "sexual-attraction tension" from this woman when in her presence, was something I acknowledged and addressed.

At first, I dismissed it, but it grew over a few weeks and one day, came to a head. Anyway, I informed my wife for transparency’s sake even though we have ZERO history with extramarital or infidelity issues. My goal was to instill in my wife a feeling of 100% confidence and safeness within our marriage.

An additional reason was this woman was 10 years younger than us and very, very attractive and I wanted my wife to never, ever feel uncertain about my devotion to her even without infidelity history.

I'm NOT the standard bearer of married men. I'm just a regular guy who was concerned enough about the potential vulnerability of my wife even with no history that would lead her to feel unsafe.

Using my experience as a comparative, and your wife having a recent history of infidelity, it seems as if she has not achieved the level of remorse needed to protect your emotional state nor has, she prioritized your safeness. It’s also possible, she doesn’t care which is a different issue.

Perhaps I misunderstood the original post, but it does not seem to me as though this woman is going on a fun vacation or something frivolous.

I understand that some people used traditional wedding vows including the line "forsaking all others", but some people do still feel a semblance of loyalty to FOO during a difficult time. I don’t think her needing to attend to an issue of imminent seriousness outside of her marriage automatically means she isn’t remorseful for having had an affair.

But, as with everything else in life, YMMV.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 11:56 PM, Monday, June 12th]

Oh wow, I should have checked in on this thread sooner.

I agree that it will be important to keep our phone calls. Last time she was gone we did talk every day and texted multiple times a day. But I am more worried about her leaving when everything is still so fresh.

Perhaps I misunderstood the original post, but it does not seem to me as though this woman is going on a fun vacation or something frivolous.

I understand that some people used traditional wedding vows including the line "forsaking all others", but some people do still feel a semblance of loyalty to FOO during a difficult time. I don’t think her needing to attend to an issue of imminent seriousness outside of her marriage automatically means she isn’t remorseful for having had an affair.

But, as with everything else in life, YMMV.

Her trip has nothing to do with her remorse. Its literally because she hasn't had quality time with her mom in 4 years and if she cancels it would cause her parents to be upset with her.

Our compromise is that she is going to be 1 on 1 with her mom for 4 days next week, then I am coming down Friday-Sunday to spend time with my WW and the rest of her family.

My therapist actually gave me some good advice. He told me "Instead of saying 'My wife is going away for 4 days, and I am going to be nervous.' I should have the mentality of 'My wife is going away for 4 days, I wonder how I am going to handle it?'". It made me feel a lot better when I shifted my perspective.

Her trip has nothing to do with her remorse.

I didn’t think it did. My statement was more of a general reply to others who have implied or said that if she takes any physical or emotional time away from the marriage at this point, she’s not remorseful.

@Tav3n

[[ He told me "Instead of saying 'My wife is going away for 4 days, and I am going to be nervous.' I should have the mentality of 'My wife is going away for 4 days, I wonder how I am going to handle it?'". It made me feel a lot better when I shifted my perspective.]]

THIS is excellent!

Your therapist empowered you to make a plan of action.

That is what I meant about a healthy boundary. Healthy boundaries are not about controlling someone else, but about what is enforceable with what we are planning to do and will do "in the event of".

That is not harm, controlling or damage to your WW. That is what keeps you stable and emotionally regulated no matter what the outcome is in varying experiences in your marriage healing. It lets you celebrate the ups and survive the downs.

What is good about your plan is this:

Yes, your spouse may have a good reason to be gone. They may have a good intent to be in contact with you.

But if it goes off track for either good or not-so-good reasons, you have a starter plan you are ALREADY doing in order to cope with the anxiety.

So. You have a plan for anxiety no matter the reason you are apart now or in the future.

You can also have a plan for if rebuilding the marriage hits bumps with her travel or not. Just keep asking "How will I handle if…".

To address @Darknessfalls points.

Certainly the words "ANY physical or emotional time" or that if "forsaking all others" means extremes and exaggerated expectations that a WW NEVER leaves sight or the access of the betrayed, well then I would concur. That is unrealistic and destined to fail.

Life does not nor will it ever all any couple to be completely melded physically and emotionally at all times.

So…YES..There will be both necessary and frivolous times that will cause separation.

Mr Uxor and I have faced those.

With an agreed upon plan and deep discussions of priorities, needs and wants.

We also still seek professional support if we can’t sort those out or triggers begin to cause emotional reactiveness. BOTH of us do that work.

That is reconciliation in ongoing long term action.

(Note. Theologically, the origin of "forsaking all others" is not just about infidelity. It means that you committed before a higher power and witnesses spouse is now the priority in your life compared to all others. That does NOT mean neglect, abuse or harm of others outside of the marital union. That DOES mean that a spouse needs to weigh out who will receive their time, energy, attention and resources.

When the spouse has a need, and the outside entities have a want…the spouse is attended to first unless impossible.

That leads to understanding "needs and wants". That is whole new discussion though.)

So, @Darkness, I support that the extreme of the WW being cut off from ALL things such as extended family, to certainly be off track; but the prioritized need of healing the broken relationship with the BS can’t be neglected for the wants and needs of others. It has to be managed and planned with transparency and consistency.

That is also how trust is rebuilt.

I think maybe that is where the heart of the comments you questioned above are from.

How to "rebuild trust" is the task.

P.S. Can anyone tell me how to make those super cool box quotes. Lol. I have tried a few things and it ain’t lookin’ purdee.

[This message edited by Uxoragain at 8:44 PM, Saturday, June 17th]

@Uxoragain,

Yes. Again, my comments were mostly referring to what others had previously said.

P.S. Can anyone tell me how to make those super cool box quotes. Lol. I have tried a few things and it ain’t lookin’ purdee.

Copy/paste the text to be quoted. Highlight it in the post box and then click the quote button. That'll automatically add the quote /quote tags around the text.

Copy/paste the text to be quoted. Highlight it in the post box and then click the quote button. That'll automatically add the quote /quote tags around the text.

Thank you! (Sorry for the temporary hijacking of this thread!)