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It’s been a while since I was here. We moved across country during the pandemic. We have been doing great - it’s 6 years since DDay

I don’t that there is a reason, I’m just suddenly finding myself feeling off
I even one day without thinking unblocked AP and looked at her social media.
Then promptly forgot I did. So need to block.

Reasons maybe?
1. 7 months ago I had a pretty severe accident, week in hospital, surgery - ended up in a wheelchair for 6 months, now I’m in outpatient PT learning to walk again. It’s been incredibly stressful. Had a second surgery, a wound that wouldn’t heal, medical care in our area is a constant battle - NWB till a few weeks ago. Now I may need another surgery on my knee.

WS has his FMLA, took care of me 24 hours a day, built a ramp. Sat up and held me while I screamed in pain - some days for 6 hours straight. Nightmares.

Maybe it’s my doubt that someone so selfish for all those years could be this selfless? Or am I being gaslit? Being "The Good Guy" has always been his identity, and wow so many DR Appts where he gets to be the great husband.

We have talked about it. He seems hurt but accepting that I feel this way.

2. Next month he is going back to "the place". The hotel his PA took place.

He is still in therapy, zoom ones, once a week. I have no idea if he is truthful or is using the sessions to feel good. He did that for a while at the start then I called it out and he ended up with a better therapist thankfully. I don’t know this guy. We moved and lost the therapist I trusted. The new IC is a whole mother story. She had me in group and didn’t tell me one of the group members was a wayward spouse.

I just keep thinking, am I just letting depression and my pain drag me down, or is there a reason I feel like this?

And I don’t have anyone to talk to about it.

I’m sorry to hear about your accident, thankfully your H has been there for you. It’s understandable that having to rely on him so much requires a lot of trust. This is where your faith in him is tested.

The question to ask yourself is, what feels off? Is it your gut, or is it from within you?

That’s the question.

I’m feeling my brain saying "it’s not a good idea to trust"

My gut is confused.

Just not sure. I have voiced my concerns to him and all I can do is wait and see I guess

My guess is that the upcoming trip to the hotel is a big trigger, right when you're feeling your most depressed and vulnerable.

Does the therapist that you trusted do online counseling?

She is in another state. She says licensing doesn't allow that.

We do email now and again though.

This is actually helping. When I read what you said about the hotel I could hear her in my head. Grounded me as bit. My brain has been all over the place.

I know what she would say, trust your self, be aware of your triggers.

Always know it’s your choice. Your choice to stay, your choice to leave. If he crosses boundaries you have a plan in place.

Yessss! You've got this.

I do!

Thank you!

Now if I can just walk like a normal person!

I'm so sorry to hear about your accident.

I just keep thinking, am I just letting depression and my pain drag me down, or is there a reason I feel like this?

And I don’t have anyone to talk to about it.

I wonder if part of the reason you're feeling the way you are is that you've had a period of personal tumult and crisis and you're feeling vulnerable, exposed, stressed, depressed, and reliant on your WS in a way you probably haven't been since the time period following the A. Even though the two things aren't connected, I can imagine why the feelings you're having might take you back. The farther I get from d-day the more obscure and less obvious, I find my triggers getting.

Have you discussed your feelings with you WS?

I have, he of course says that there isn’t anything, but of course, that’s what he would say right! Which of course makes it more complicated

He says he understands why I can’t take his word. He apologizes frequently for me being in this situation of worry.

That is true as well, the further we are away triggers are less obvious.

Also- when DDay happened I went into a period of not eating, cutting. I felt like I’d lost control of my life.

In the hospital after my accident I stopped eating. It took a few weeks for me to straighten that out. I lost a good 30 lbs. I literally lost all control of my life and body.

Most of my Occupational Therapy, physical therapy initially after the accident was designed to give me some autonomy which helped. For 8 weeks I was confined to the living room as we had to fight for proper equipment to help me get about.

I had to pull out all my old trauma therapy tools to help me deal with it all.

The urge to self harm was overwhelming at times as the pain was so so bad.

My heart goes out to you, Smj - not just for being betrayed, not just for your accident, but mainly for your desire to harm yourself. You're precious. Your life is precious. You do not deserve the pain you've been lving with. You deserve to treat yourself well, not badly. I hope yo realize that very, very soon.

(((Smjsome1))) - hugs, if you'll accept them from a stranger

After the shock wore off and we were in R, I would torment myself with what if’s. Our lizard brains are made to warn us and keep us safe. I rehearsed these "what if" scenarios in my head.

Commercial pilots go through scenario based training. They train and prepare for emergencies, so the response becomes second nature. When a warning light comes on, they go through a checklist to discover is it real or just a bad reading?

Since Dday, I have rehearsed these checklists in my head repeatedly. If a warning goes off I will look to determine if it’s a false warning.

Any sketchy behavior
Guarding the phone
Being verbally disrespectful
Running odd errands

Any of these things appear then I will drill deeper into them, calm and cool like the pilot in an emergency.

Tanner, that is such a great idea. Thanks so much for sharing this.

Tanner

Such a great idea! I didn’t realize I was doing that unconsciously over and over. Now I can recognize it and you are right! I need to
Slow myself down

Sisoon
I now know when I’m thinking ".I need to cut" that something is out of control and to step back. Trauma therapy has given me the tools to do that

Cutting is a way to dopamine flood out pain. Not a great idea at all. In the ER and after I was home the pain was so bad, my leg would cramp starting at my upper thigh and slowly roll down my leg to my ankle. I couldn’t bend my joints to relieve the cramps. They’d last for 1/2 to 5-6 hours, just cramping over and over. All I could do was scream, and I wanted to cut so bad. Instead I created an album on my phone of funny, happy videos, I’d play them and just giggle scream

It was so sad! It took me finally just going into the drs office and making a scene to get help for it.