SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first post in New Beginnings - a bit odd since I’ve been divorced since late 2021. DD was early 2018 so I’ll soon be 5 years out. Tried R for 3 years before pulling the plug and separating.

But this post is about a guy I met OLD. Once my divorce was final I felt I could give dating a try. I met this guy fairly quickly on an app and we started messaging.

After about a month of messaging on the app we met up for coffee. And things progressed from there.

I’ll admit, I had some reservations, but he seemed like a ‘good guy’. And I loved the companionship. We’d message multiple times a day, every day.

Fast forward around 10 months and we have a heated debate about racism. But I like debate, and all seems fine.

A few weeks later he brings up racism again. His view is that he would prefer that his children marry someone of the same race. I personally don’t care about the race of my children’s future partners. We start debating again. But this time it ends poorly. We end up leaving the restaurant in silence. He doesn’t message me the next day. I message him to apologise for the date ending so badly. He replies, and a couple of messages later says that I escalated the situation beyond what it was about. I apologise for that.

And since then he has not replied. And I just cannot stop waiting for a message. I’m sad and lonely and miss the companionship. Even though my head says that I can’t be with someone when our views on something like this clash, nor can I be with someone who ignores me when we have a disagreement.

Any words of wisdom?

His view is that he would prefer that his children marry someone of the same race.

Racist

I personally don’t care about the race of my children’s future partners.

Not-racist

Don't really know if there's anything else to say about that. I know it's hard to do without the daily contact and conversation, but it's probably a good thing. My in-laws also felt people should marry within their own race, but considered themselves progressive and liberal.

Now my oldest limits her time with grandma because, as she's getting older, grandma says all sorts of things that are just - nope!

Nope him and next him.
That's a lot of red flags all in a row...
1. Has racist-leaning views.
2. Can't have a respectful adult disagreement without acting like a toddler. And the silent treatment is borderline abusive.
3. This is a pretty major thing to have differing viewpoints (to this extent) on.

Just IMHO, you don't have one diddly-darn thing to apologize for.

My advice is to not settle and to not waste more time on a relationship with someone you're not truly compatible with.
Sorry Perdita - I know that's probably not what you want to hear. But I know for me, this would be a slippery slope - that I would disregard red flags or tell myself they aren't a big deal in order to keep the status quo. Did that in my relationship with xwh for 9 years and never ever interested in doing it again.

Perdita1

I’m sad and lonely and miss the companionship. Even though my head says that I can’t be with someone when our views on something like this clash, nor can I be with someone who ignores me when we have a disagreement.

I think you owe yourself a pat on the back. You didn’t compromise your principles to keep the peace. Instead, it sounds like you tried to enlighten someone who is close-minded, and it didn’t work. While he may have been the one to go no-contact, that’s a gift to you, since as you recognize; you can’t be with a man who can neither tolerate other skin colors nor other opinions.

I would suggest separating the ‘loneliness’ from the feeling of ‘loss.’ You didn’t lose this guy. You gained some experience. You know that you can see red flags, and you can encourage yourself to act on them sooner if there is a next time.

The loneliness, on the other hand, is real and valid and needs to be honored. It’s ok to be disappointed and sad. You took a chance, made yourself vulnerable and it didn’t work out. It’s natural to grieve hopes that didn’t materialize. Do some self care, seek connection with healthy people, stay busy, and know it will pass.

There’s a difference between grieving the lost hopes and what may feel like grieving the loss of an incompatible man you really didn’t want to be with. So use that knowledge to stay strong and grow from the experience.

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 6:27 AM, Wednesday, February 8th]

Duplicate post

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 2:43 PM, Tuesday, February 7th]

What Black Raven said!!

Perdita1,

I don't have much more to offer in advice than has already been given but I do want you to know that I completely feel you right now. My first and only significant dating experience post-divorce recently ended and very poorly, I might add. Point being, we were voracious texters! Not getting messages from him throughout the day has been one of the most difficult parts of our breakup. The first few weeks after, I was ready to get rid of my cell phone all together! Just looking at the stupid phone looking at me with no messages was soul crushing.

I did come up with this analogy that was somewhat helpful. So you know when people quit smoking and they really miss the routine of lighting up every time they get in the car or have a drink, or whatever? They decided smoking was not good for them so they don't want to do that anymore but they struggle without having that cigarette in their hand or the feel of the draw of smoke in their mouth. Or whatever.

These guys are like cigarettes! We know they are not good for us but we just really miss the habits and routines we established with them. Try to focus on the negativity of him and the fact that he was not good for you. Also, you don't miss him, per se, but the communication. You should certainly NOT do this, but you *could* go find any guy on OLD and start texting, talking, etc. and fill that void. Remind yourself of that fact when you start to miss this particular guy; the messaging aspect wasn't special/unique to him.

Also, I'm sorry this happened to you and you're feeling sadness and loneliness. Hugs to you and wishes that your heart heals quickly!

Thank you for all the replies - they really helped me feel less lost and confused. I am so so appreciative that you all took time out of your day to respond to me.

I managed to speak about this with my therapist and as well as all the things you guys mentioned we also wondered if I was partly in shock at confronting racist views head on. I mean, most people, if they say something a bit out there and the audience doesn’t react well, know to pull back. But this guy kept on and on trying to convince me.

Just as an update - he did finally contact me again…after three days! Three days of complete silence. If I didn’t have this thread to read and re-read, and my therapy appointment, I could have spiralled.

Good for you for staying strong and not spiraling!

Great job on not getting sucked back in. The biggest mistakes I made where when I didn't listen to my gut because I was lonely.

Another thing you can do is try being not lonely by texting your friends a few times a day. Human contact relieves loneliness. We have to get out of the habit of thinking only a man fills that void. Now there are certain voids only a man can fill in my mind, but texting isn't one of them.